The Eurovision Final!!!

Today whilst at UNSW, I happened to see a Google news heading telling me who won. But I’ll save that for the end of the post. I would have found out from channel ten otherwise, anyway.

Eurovision kicked off with Alexander Rybak sawing through yet another violin bow. Good on him. I usually don’t really like violin music, but he plays with so much vim that I forgive him his instrument choice.

Azerbaijan kicked off the show. Their singer was marvellous at walking down flights of stairs. Her backup dancer was barefoot, which made the fact that he was wearing a shirt forgivable. 7/10

Spain, the first of the bankrolling nations. Generally Spain’s entry is weird. Really incredibly strange. This year was no change to that. The singer looked like Bob Dylan on speed, the backup dancers were abstract to the point of postmodernism, not to mention creepy like sad clowns. Although they did have the Eurovision equivalent of a streaker – someone who jumped onto the stage and had to be dragged off by security. The fact that they just went with it really speaks in Spain’s favour. Otherwise, it was still really weird and I didn’t like it. But that’s just me. >5/10

Norway – last year’s winner. The song started off slowly, which demonstrated that the singer is clearly an opera boy – can’t sign at anything below 100%. He is aesthetically pleasing though. The backup singers were clumped too closely together. Also, in my opinion, the song was chordally reminiscent of a Paul Jarman song. But that could just be because I’m a choir nerd. The guy from Norway improved after the key change. The pyrotechnics were tasteful, but I think they could have been bigger. 7.5/10

Moldova had an electric violin as part of their act. The violinist was on a spinning turnstile, which must have been a bit nauseating for him. There was some hardcore thrusting from the sax and two backup dancers. The singer looked like a cross between Gwen Stefani, P!nk, Madonna and Lady Gaga. I liked it though, because it was eurotrashy to the nth degree. I am a fan. 8.5/10

Cyprus again. Jon Lilygreen is going on the Hottie Wall in the year 12 study at st. G. This is because he is a welsh babe who can sing. I must however ask why the drummer bothered to sing if he wasn’t miked. I like the fact that instead of getting a guitar with built-in pickups, he just duct taped a mike to the inside of his guitar. He made it a design feature. Kudos to him.8.75/10

Bosnia and Herzegovina had a fog machine, but that’s where the good stuff ended. The singer looked like that guy from Coldplay spliced with that guy from Savage Garden. Not a fan of the stance used by all whilst they were singing. Costuming wasn’t marvellously eurotrash, no-one worked the wind machine. It was (for lack of better adjectives) very American. >5/10

Backstage: the man from Spain is less creepy when not in costume, and is playing Sky in Spain’s production of Mamma Mia. Armenia’s backup singers are rather good. Alexander Rybak has shaken Barak Obama’s hand. He is also a fan of Lena from Germany’s song ‘Satellites’. Alexander Rybak is such a babe.

Belgium. ‘Me and My Guitar’. He’s alright looking, and it’s a sweet enough song, but it’s a power ballad. It just doesn’t get me doing a little happy dance on my hospital bed with a laptop propped on one knee. And his falsetto sucks numerous male appendages. Including his own. He was however the first act to work the audience. It wasn’t much, but he was the first to do it. I would rate it higher, but his falsetto killed it for me. 6.5/10

Serbia’s lead singer is totally androgynous. He looks markedly like something Lady Gaga would dress up as, perhaps crossed with (I shudder to type it) Justin Beiber . The male backup dancers were a bit underwhelming. So was the song. And his singing. Maybe it’s the kind of thing the Balkans go for, but it didn’t float my boat. The costuming for the female backup singers was ridiculously strange. 6.5/10

FYI: due to Spain’s interruption, they will get to perform again at the end.
Also, the Aussie viewers got a hello from the hosts. I love it when we get recognised.

‘Butterflies’ from Belarus involved my second favourite costume reveal. My favourite was, of course, Lithuania, but this one wasn’t far off. The song was a power ballad, which didn’t dispose me toward them, but they’re all adept singers as long as they’re not having solos, in which they tended to suck. I was a fan of the fact that the women were wearing fully sequinned gowns. And then full sized butterfly wings popped out of the women’s gowns just in time for a key change. Marvy costumes, shitty solos. 7.5/10

Niamh Kavanaugh won Eurovision in 1993. The whistle player is her cousin, and also named Niamh Kavanaugh. She’s definitely improved from her semifinal performance. She must be feeling better. There’s something about her that just reminds me of Bette Midler. He audience went wild for the whistle player. Niamh’s [the singer’s] dress made her look like some kind of ocean spirit, although she made that look work for her. And although her use of the wind machine was understated, it was well placed.8/10

And now for my favourite song from semifinal 1: OPA! From the Greeks. Back were the open white shirts, tight white pants, manly dancing, manly tattooing, manly grunting at key points in the song: it was as manly and tasteful as ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’ is going to be. Namely incredibly and minimally respectively. I was also a massive fan of the guy with the stringed instrument, and the drums which shot fireworks from within them. The only problem was that the lead singer was about as attractive as the guys from ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’. 9.2/10

Then came Britain – a bankroller, so they were guaranteed a spot in the finals. An absolute babe – faintly reminiscent of Gaspard Ulleil in Hannibal Rising (apart from the singing. From what little we hear of Gaspard singing ‘Das Mantelein’, he was infinitely better), but…well… I shouldn’t be foreshadowing, but there’s a reason GB came last. Fun fact – the girl who represented Britain last year (and who also sucked) is now a Sugababe. But Josh was even flat on the last note. <5/10

Backstage: the Greeks have great arm muscles. Josh doesn’t look as good in profile as he does front on. Still a babe. He should go on the Hottie Wall.

Georgia is back from a year boycotting due to political shit-kicking with Russia. I’m still not a fan of the choreography, although the costuming is very Eurovision. She didn’t wind machine her hair enough, and she was sharp on the high notes. And it was a power ballad. And regardless of my dislike of the choreography, the backup dancers were fantastic. The only thing that saved it was the great pillars of fire at the end. 6.5/10

Turkey – the only country of my top three from Semi 2 to get into the finals. The drummer reminds me of the drummer from Rammstein. The drum part reminds me of Rammstein. The singer is the only man so far to work the wind machine. I remain a massive fan. This is like a musical cross between Linkin Park and Rammstein, with a touch of Marilyn Manson in the costuming. Brilliant flag dancing at the end. Still a massive fan. 9.25/10

Albania also began with an electric violin, but the violinist wasn’t as much of a babe as the one from Moldova. The signer looked a hell of a lot like Gwen Stefani crossed with Drew Barrymore. And the violinist was creepy to the max. The costuming of the lead singer was very Madonna. The song lyrics reminded me of ‘I Will Be Watching You’ by The Police. Namely, they were weird and stalkerish. 6.25/10

Iceland had a Björk, but not the one who wears dresses shaped like dead swans. This Björk has a good strong voice, and a dress which looks like it’s made for spinning around in circles like a lunatic. It’s a pity she isn’t, because for whatever reason I just don’t love the song. 6.75/10

And then came the Ukraine. Those of you who read my rundown of the last semifinal will know that I didn’t think this was eurotrashy enough, especially when compared with last year’s entry. She can sing, and she can use a wind machine as if she was born in the windstream of one, but she wrote the song herself, and it’s not the most marvellous song I’ve ever experienced. I did however like the electric guitar part. Probably because it really reminds me of Metallica. 6.75/10

And then came France. This song reminds me of Art vs. Science’s ‘Parlez-vous Français?’. It’s France’s theme music for the world cup. I love the dancing, the costuming, and the song itself. It’s making me dance along as I sit and type on my hospital bed like the blog nerd that I am. The French know what the audience want: catchy scat lyrics, and plenty of booty shakin’. There were minor pyrotechnic explosions in the background throughout the song. I only give this more points than Turkey because it’s more catchy, and after all that’s what Eurovision’s about: catchiness, not good metal. 9.5/10

Romania again had the conjoined electric pianos, but they were counteracted by the fact that the female lead singer looked like white Michael Jackson. The music was good, the song was shit. The costuming was tacky in a bad way, not in the good Eurovisual way. The lead female still had a fantastic opera voice, but it didn’t fit with the rest of the song. But the pyrotechnics at the end were good. 7/10

Russia’s band became famous on YouTube. Unfortunately, they look as if the fall of communism was somehow cruel to them: they just look a bit pathetic (both in the pathos inducing sense and the more commonly used sense). The acoustic guitarist looked a hell of a lot like Johnny Depp. The harmonies were marvellous. The words were incoherent. They were all really hairy. This lead singer had good falsetto. And he could work a wind machine and still seem slightly manly. 7.75/10

And now for Armenia. Again, her chest resides where her sphenoid bone ought to be. Apparently she’s the tallest performer tonight. She’s a good singer, the backup dancer is good, the backup instrumentalists were also good. The lyrics are however completely ridiculous. I do like the tune though. It’s nicely catchy. Set design was impressive, especially the tree emerging from the stone in the background. The best executed key change so far in my opinion, although as soon as the modulation had finished, the quality of the song rapidly decreased. 8/10

And then Satellites, from Lena. She sounds a hell of a lot like Missy Higgins, but it works for her. She looked a bit emo in the costume she happened to be wearing, but again, it worked for her. The song made me dance on the bed, it’s nicely catchy. I really like this song. A lot. I actually liked this equally to Turkey’s entry, but she was more Eurovisual. 9.3/10

Portugal’s entry was in Portugese. And it was a power ballad. And although their singer was in a lovely gown, she wasn’t great at singing. She’s also failed to remember that apart from Serbia in (I think it was) 2007, no-one has ever won with a song that isn’t in English. And even if I didn’t know who the winner is, I wouldn’t think they’d be the second nation to win with a non-anglophonic song. 5/10

Another power ballad from Israel. I didn’t like this song when it was on on Saturday, and I didn’t like it tonight. >5/10

Now for Denmark, which not only sounded like The Police, but had a lead male who looked like he was part of The Police. Frankly, I’d rather be playing ‘Little Lion Man’ on the Ukulele. And thus I am. 6/10

Spain performed again. I didn’t like it any more or less than the first time. Thus my opinion is unchanged.

Norwegian Josh Thomas pulled off his jacket to reveal something lime green and velvet with giant sequins on it. What the expletive?

So: my rankings for the night.
1. France
2. Germany
3. Turkey
4. Greece
5. Cyprus
6. Moldova
7. Armenia; Ireland
8. Russia
9. Belarus; Norway
10. Azerbaijan; Romania
11. Iceland; Ukraine
12. Belgium; Georgia; Serbia
13. Albania
14. Denmark
15. Portugal
16. Bosnia and Herzegovina; Great Britain; Israel; Spain

Whilst votes were being tallied, audiences across Europe danced. As the rappers made their way through the audience, we got to see a security guy manhandle screaming fans out of the way in Oslo. I lolled.

We got to watch footage of audiences around Europe dancing. It was actually quite cool. Streets full of people dancing in unison. Notable nations were Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Ireland, Lithuania. Kudos to them.

And then us peeps at home were taught the dance. I danced along. It was fun.

A few moments later we saw the hosts again…but they were wearing different clothing. That was quick. And now Norwegian Josh Thomas is wearing a pair of butterfly wings. He is my hero.

And on to the revelation of the results. And lo, Svante appeared on high to the soundtrack of something reminiscent of Vangelis. Svante is the supreme lord god king supervisor of Eurovision.

The results: the three big points sets.
Romania: 8-Turkey; 10-Moldavia; 12-Denmark.
Ireland: 8-Germany; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Germany: 8-Greece; 10-Turkey; 12-Belgium.
Serbia: 8-Germany; 10-Greece; 12-Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Albania: 8-Turkey; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
Turkey: 8-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 10-Germany; 12-Azerbaijan.
Croatia: 8-Serbia; 10-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 12-Turkey.
At the moment, Belarus is the only nation to still be on no points.
Poland: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Serbia.
Belarus is still sitting on a duck.
Finland:8-France; 10-Israel; 12-Germany.
Germany leads with a nice buffer. France isn’t doing as well as I would have thought.
Slovenia: 8-Serbia; 10-Germany; 12-Denmark.
Belarus still has nothing, and Denmark is really doing well. Clearly Europe liked The Police.
Estonia: 8-Georgia; 10-Russia; 12-Germany.
Russia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Georgia; 12-Armenia.
Belarus is finally off zero, on two points. But I know they won’t lose, so it’s all good.
Portugal: 8-Greece; 10-Romania; 12-Spain.
Germany has a buffer of almost 40 points. Still piddly compared to how well Alexander went last year.
Azerbaijan: 8-Georgia; 10-Ukraine; 12-Turkey.
The UK is currently on 7 points. They’ll only get to 10.
Greece: 8-France; 10-Albania; 12-Cyprus.
Iceland: 8-Greece; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Denmark: 8-Romania; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Belgium has overtaken Turkey. GB is doing surprisingly well (relatively). They’ll slip.
France: 8-Portugal; 10-Serbia; 12-Turkey.
Spain: 8-Armenia; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Belarus is stuck on 2. They’ll get there.
Slovakia: 8-Israel; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Bulgaria: 8-Armenia; 10-Turkey; 12-Azerbaijan.
Belarus is on 3 now. They’re movin’ on up.
Ukraine: 8-Turkey; 10-Russia; 12-Azerbaijan.
Latvia: 8-Russia; 10-Denmark; 12-Germany.
Ireland is on six points. It’s behind the UK at the moment. Belarus still languishing on three.
Malta: 8-Denmark; 10-Belgium; 12-Azerbaijan.
Norway: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Cyprus: 8-Romania; 10-Azerbaijan; 12-Greece.
UK, Ireland and Belarus are the only nations stuck on single figures. It’s moments like this that I miss the British commentator SBS used to use. He always had pithy comments to make about Britain’s pathetic performance.
Lithuania: 8-Spain; 10-Germany; 12-Georgia.
Belarus: 8-Israel; 10-Ukraine; 12-Russia.
Switzerland: 8-Albania; 10-Serbia; 12-Germany.
Ireland got six points and is finally into the realms of double digits. Come on Belarus. You can do it.
Belgium: 8-Iceland; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
UK: 8-Romania; 10-Turkey; 12-Greece.
“And thankyou to those of you who did vote for us.” That says it all.
The Netherlands: 8-Turkey; 10-Israel; 12-Armenia.
Israel: 8-Romania; 10-Russia; 12-Armenia.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Albania.
COME ON BELARUS. SURELY WIKI DIDN’T LIE TO ME!!!
Moldova: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Romania.
Belarus is up to six points. Time is running out. Come on Wiki, don’t fail me now.
Georgia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Armenia; 12-Belarus.
YESSS! GB GOT THEMSELVES TO 10, AND BELARUS GOT THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!
Sweden: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Armenia: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Georgia.
From about halfway, it became mathematically certain that Germany would win. Good for Lena. I liked her song. Not as much as France’s or Turkey’s; but such is life. Eurovision 2011 will be in Berlin. Or Hamburg, if you look at the mass outdoor screenings across Germany.

My, my. Lena mildly pashed Alexander. As Lena talked to the hosts, she had a small army of roadies attaching mikes to her for her winner’s performance.

And there it was. Eurovision 2010.