EVERYBODY!
SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
What is it with me neglecting to tell you how smashed I'd be if I were playing a drinking game as opposed to blogging?
32 shots. Well under the other two posts, but still remarkably wasted. Go figure.
Showing posts with label Eurovision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eurovision. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hier Kommt Die Semifinal
I’m sitting in a computer room at school, ready to get my Eurocamp on. Here’s hoping I’m not disappointed.
Following on from my recurring theme of the last two posts, I will continue along with Blackie's Eurovision drinking game (for full details, look at the Semifinal 2 post). How euro-trashed will I be??
I’m not sure I’m a fan of Anke’s dress. It’s not enough to warrant a shot, but still. Judith’s is quite nice, but I can’t fathom why Stefan isn’t wearing a tie.
And now Anke has punched Stefan. She does it again in the final... generally when he’s just a bit too much of a tool.
Stefan: voting is so easy even a woman could explain in.
Audience: did he just go there??
Poland
The land of Po. Cute postcard. Painfully so.
Shot for the Gaga/ABBA inspired costumes. The singer looks rather like Santana from Glee. Sings just about as well as her too. Nice use of strobing, but underwhelming use of wind machining. The plumes of smoke help somewhat. A nice Europop song.
8/10
One shot – costumes.
Norway
I didn’t know they had Kenyans in Norway. I’m not being racist, I’m just saying. Apparently the song is partially in Swahili. As you would, when performing at Eurovision. But as those of you who read my comments regarding France’s entry last year will know, I’m quite a fan of afropop. This is no exception. There is however a shot for the gold onesie with butt ruffles.
8.9/10
One shot.
Sam: finally some mid-tempo afro-fusion-pop. Did notice that one of the backup dancers was wearing a tie, I hope it was a full Windsor knot.
Albania
Apparently the singer has crazy fake nails. I'll allocate a pre-emptive shot. Good fog to start with. Another shot for the rest of the outfit. I only wonder if there'll be any wind machining later to capitalise on the floofy bits. Albania traditionally is strong when it comes to the use of wind, but this year is apparently an exception. This lack is compensated for with abundant fire. I'm also a fan of the studded hair. I'm horrified to realise that this is the third song and I'm yet to hear a keychange.
8.5/10
Two shots.
Armenia
This song's called 'Boom Boom'. TITLE SHOT. Interesting set design, shot for the giant boxing glove chair. Shot for the backup dancers in their dressing gowns. I am cracking up at this song, but not in a good way. I'll be giving shots just for the sheer trashiness. The male dancers are also showing a decently Eurovisual amount of chest.
7.25/10
Three shots.
Still no keychange.
Turkey
Shot for the '70s rocker inspired costumes. This should be good. Nice use of fire and fog. Shot for the contortionist chick in the spherical cage. That shit's weird. Not enough strobing if you ask me. Points for the contortionist chick turning into a bird at the end.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Interview Interlude: Portugal are apparently wearing original costumes from '74. And the Albanian lead singer is tiny. I find that without a raging rock band behind her, Georgia's lead singer is even worse. It's a pity, because she brings down the entire performance.
Serbia
I didn't like this one in the final, let's see if I like it more this time... I don't. I do however quite like Nina's dress tonight.
5.5/10
One shot - finally a keychange.
Russia
I'm struck by how much Alexej looks like Ben McKenzie, but in a hotter, European way. I'm also a fan of the fact that he's working the crowd. The backup dancers are also quite cute, despite the fact that their costumes warrant 30 mLs of spirits. The lyrics are a bit odd too: "Put my mind in a dirty zone". Really? Clearly that made more sense in Russian. And call me an elitist, but I liked the rehearsed and regimented bow at the end. 9.5/10
Two shots - keychange, and what a great one it was.
Switzerland
I liked this postcard on the final, but not the song. Will I change my mind? I like the Ukelele, but not her singing. It's all so painfully twee.
5/10
A shot to ease the pain.
Georgia
Shot for the costumes. Her hair is bigger tonight than in the final. And already, she's working the wind machine in true Georgian style. I still don't understand the purpose of the rap though. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT IT IN THERE? The strobing is also a touch underwhelming. Pity.
7.5/10 - I'd give more if she could sing better.
One shot.
A couple of Lordi jokes later, here's Finland.
Sam: If you liked Lordi... turn off your TV now.
Finland
Again, I love the postcard. Yay for classical music.
The song's called 'Da Da Dam'. TITLE SHOT!! This singer is painfully adorable. He's just so cutely huggable. This is a ballad that I actually like. The only issue is that it's not poppy enough for Eurovision. That having been said, I'm still tempted to pull out a lighter and do a Cold Chisel. So adorable.
8.75/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Malta
I like the postcard. Probs because I <3 opera.
Well. The backup dancers are very Eurovision with their sleeveless shirts. The lead singer is similarly tanned into oblivion in a very Eurovisual manner. The whole song is however a bit too... irritatingly camp. Decently rousing keychange, but otherwise...
6/10
One shot.
San Marino
Another ballad. From the first chord, I know that despite all the fog flowing over the stag, I'm going to hate this song because it's crap. She's not a very good singer, it's an atrocious song.
<5/10
Shot to erase the memory.
Croatia
According to the hosts [as in Sam and Julia, not Anke, Judith and Stefan], this is one for the drinking games. It's definitely bad enough. I'm not understanding the purpose of the creepy DJ. He's kind of overkill. I'm rather impressed by the quickchange artistry. Pity it's a crap song. A good, rousing keychange, but still. So many points for the changing.
7/10
Two shots - the quickchanging totally distracted from the song.
Iceland
I'm loving the Barbershop aesthetics. And again, I appreciate the fact that they're not wanking it up on a grand piano. They're just honky-tonking along on an upright. I also liked the harmonies at the end.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Hungary
Sam: No, that's not Michael Bolton.
This is a delightfully boppy song, she's actually quite good. I still feel that the costumes are almost libatively ABBA. And a touch scanty. But I still very much like the LED lit backup dancers. That's Eurovision. I feel that this song could have really benefited from some wind machining, but it just wasn't there. Pity.
8.5/10
Two shots - costume and keychange.
Portugal
The costumes are visibly '74, although why they have a guy dressed up as Fidel Castro is well beyond me. I almost feel as if this song is from some Playschool-esque programme. It feels a touch... infantile. The only thing keeping them above 5/10 is the Castro lookalike. He jives me much jollies.
6/10
Two shots - costume and national dress (vintage clothing from the '70s qualifies in my mind).
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. Not ever a good fusion idea. Here goes nothing... I don't like her voice. Maybe it's just me, but she's a bit pitchy. Shot for the ridiculous dress train. There's good fog, but no wind. Her hair (and dress) could really capitalise on it, but it just isn't there. And I still don't understand the sign language in a SONG CONTEST. So bland.
6/10
One shot.
Azerbaijan
I'm going to allocate five shots for how nauseating this was, and then fast forward through it. <5/10
Five shots.
That was painful.
Sam: it's all a bit to Graduate for me.
And now for Greece.
Julia: The Greeks combine classical music, folk music and rap.
Sam: Finally.
Greece
Now this will be Eurovisual. I'm ready for partially shirtless men. What's this? They're wearing shirts. At least they're breakdancing as compensation. The rap guy soinds like he should be singing backup in Cannibal Corpse, but the classical guy is a cutie. There's a shot for the LUDICROUSLY Greek background image. The Greek dancing interlude is also cracking me up no end. And now the backup dancers are divested of their jackets and dancing among pillars of fire. Cool.
9/10
One shot.
Interview Interlude: in which the singers talk rapidly at the SBS cameras in their native languages. I swoon.
So according to me, the qualifying nations are as follows, in order of performance:
Poland
Norway
Albania
Turkey
Russia
Georgia
Finland
Iceland
Hungary
Greece
I'm not going to comment on the Drumline entertainment. They didn't even march in step. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.
I must say that Jon Ola Sand has a far less entertaining name than last year's lord god king of Eurovision, Svante.
So... the nations which Europe has chosen for qualification are as follows:
Serbia - 0 for 1
Lithuania - 0 for 2
Greece - 1 for 2
Azerbaijan - 1 for 3
Georgia - 2 for 3
Switzerland - 2 for 4
Hungary - 3 for 4
Finland - 4 for 4
Russia - 5 for 4
Iceland - 6 for 4
Same accuracy as the other semi.
I'd just like to have a quick final private rant regarding this year's Eurovision.
WHERE WERE THE WIND MACHINES? THIS IS EUROVISION. I EXPECT GALE FORCE WINDS IN EVERY NUMBER. I AM SO UNIMPRESSED WITH THE CALIBRE OF THIS YEAR'S WIND MACHINING.
So unimpressed.
Following on from my recurring theme of the last two posts, I will continue along with Blackie's Eurovision drinking game (for full details, look at the Semifinal 2 post). How euro-trashed will I be??
I’m not sure I’m a fan of Anke’s dress. It’s not enough to warrant a shot, but still. Judith’s is quite nice, but I can’t fathom why Stefan isn’t wearing a tie.
And now Anke has punched Stefan. She does it again in the final... generally when he’s just a bit too much of a tool.
Stefan: voting is so easy even a woman could explain in.
Audience: did he just go there??
Poland
The land of Po. Cute postcard. Painfully so.
Shot for the Gaga/ABBA inspired costumes. The singer looks rather like Santana from Glee. Sings just about as well as her too. Nice use of strobing, but underwhelming use of wind machining. The plumes of smoke help somewhat. A nice Europop song.
8/10
One shot – costumes.
Norway
I didn’t know they had Kenyans in Norway. I’m not being racist, I’m just saying. Apparently the song is partially in Swahili. As you would, when performing at Eurovision. But as those of you who read my comments regarding France’s entry last year will know, I’m quite a fan of afropop. This is no exception. There is however a shot for the gold onesie with butt ruffles.
8.9/10
One shot.
Sam: finally some mid-tempo afro-fusion-pop. Did notice that one of the backup dancers was wearing a tie, I hope it was a full Windsor knot.
Albania
Apparently the singer has crazy fake nails. I'll allocate a pre-emptive shot. Good fog to start with. Another shot for the rest of the outfit. I only wonder if there'll be any wind machining later to capitalise on the floofy bits. Albania traditionally is strong when it comes to the use of wind, but this year is apparently an exception. This lack is compensated for with abundant fire. I'm also a fan of the studded hair. I'm horrified to realise that this is the third song and I'm yet to hear a keychange.
8.5/10
Two shots.
Armenia
This song's called 'Boom Boom'. TITLE SHOT. Interesting set design, shot for the giant boxing glove chair. Shot for the backup dancers in their dressing gowns. I am cracking up at this song, but not in a good way. I'll be giving shots just for the sheer trashiness. The male dancers are also showing a decently Eurovisual amount of chest.
7.25/10
Three shots.
Still no keychange.
Turkey
Shot for the '70s rocker inspired costumes. This should be good. Nice use of fire and fog. Shot for the contortionist chick in the spherical cage. That shit's weird. Not enough strobing if you ask me. Points for the contortionist chick turning into a bird at the end.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Interview Interlude: Portugal are apparently wearing original costumes from '74. And the Albanian lead singer is tiny. I find that without a raging rock band behind her, Georgia's lead singer is even worse. It's a pity, because she brings down the entire performance.
Serbia
I didn't like this one in the final, let's see if I like it more this time... I don't. I do however quite like Nina's dress tonight.
5.5/10
One shot - finally a keychange.
Russia
I'm struck by how much Alexej looks like Ben McKenzie, but in a hotter, European way. I'm also a fan of the fact that he's working the crowd. The backup dancers are also quite cute, despite the fact that their costumes warrant 30 mLs of spirits. The lyrics are a bit odd too: "Put my mind in a dirty zone". Really? Clearly that made more sense in Russian. And call me an elitist, but I liked the rehearsed and regimented bow at the end. 9.5/10
Two shots - keychange, and what a great one it was.
Switzerland
I liked this postcard on the final, but not the song. Will I change my mind? I like the Ukelele, but not her singing. It's all so painfully twee.
5/10
A shot to ease the pain.
Georgia
Shot for the costumes. Her hair is bigger tonight than in the final. And already, she's working the wind machine in true Georgian style. I still don't understand the purpose of the rap though. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT IT IN THERE? The strobing is also a touch underwhelming. Pity.
7.5/10 - I'd give more if she could sing better.
One shot.
A couple of Lordi jokes later, here's Finland.
Sam: If you liked Lordi... turn off your TV now.
Finland
Again, I love the postcard. Yay for classical music.
The song's called 'Da Da Dam'. TITLE SHOT!! This singer is painfully adorable. He's just so cutely huggable. This is a ballad that I actually like. The only issue is that it's not poppy enough for Eurovision. That having been said, I'm still tempted to pull out a lighter and do a Cold Chisel. So adorable.
8.75/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Malta
I like the postcard. Probs because I <3 opera.
Well. The backup dancers are very Eurovision with their sleeveless shirts. The lead singer is similarly tanned into oblivion in a very Eurovisual manner. The whole song is however a bit too... irritatingly camp. Decently rousing keychange, but otherwise...
6/10
One shot.
San Marino
Another ballad. From the first chord, I know that despite all the fog flowing over the stag, I'm going to hate this song because it's crap. She's not a very good singer, it's an atrocious song.
<5/10
Shot to erase the memory.
Croatia
According to the hosts [as in Sam and Julia, not Anke, Judith and Stefan], this is one for the drinking games. It's definitely bad enough. I'm not understanding the purpose of the creepy DJ. He's kind of overkill. I'm rather impressed by the quickchange artistry. Pity it's a crap song. A good, rousing keychange, but still. So many points for the changing.
7/10
Two shots - the quickchanging totally distracted from the song.
Iceland
I'm loving the Barbershop aesthetics. And again, I appreciate the fact that they're not wanking it up on a grand piano. They're just honky-tonking along on an upright. I also liked the harmonies at the end.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Hungary
Sam: No, that's not Michael Bolton.
This is a delightfully boppy song, she's actually quite good. I still feel that the costumes are almost libatively ABBA. And a touch scanty. But I still very much like the LED lit backup dancers. That's Eurovision. I feel that this song could have really benefited from some wind machining, but it just wasn't there. Pity.
8.5/10
Two shots - costume and keychange.
Portugal
The costumes are visibly '74, although why they have a guy dressed up as Fidel Castro is well beyond me. I almost feel as if this song is from some Playschool-esque programme. It feels a touch... infantile. The only thing keeping them above 5/10 is the Castro lookalike. He jives me much jollies.
6/10
Two shots - costume and national dress (vintage clothing from the '70s qualifies in my mind).
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. Not ever a good fusion idea. Here goes nothing... I don't like her voice. Maybe it's just me, but she's a bit pitchy. Shot for the ridiculous dress train. There's good fog, but no wind. Her hair (and dress) could really capitalise on it, but it just isn't there. And I still don't understand the sign language in a SONG CONTEST. So bland.
6/10
One shot.
Azerbaijan
I'm going to allocate five shots for how nauseating this was, and then fast forward through it. <5/10
Five shots.
That was painful.
Sam: it's all a bit to Graduate for me.
And now for Greece.
Julia: The Greeks combine classical music, folk music and rap.
Sam: Finally.
Greece
Now this will be Eurovisual. I'm ready for partially shirtless men. What's this? They're wearing shirts. At least they're breakdancing as compensation. The rap guy soinds like he should be singing backup in Cannibal Corpse, but the classical guy is a cutie. There's a shot for the LUDICROUSLY Greek background image. The Greek dancing interlude is also cracking me up no end. And now the backup dancers are divested of their jackets and dancing among pillars of fire. Cool.
9/10
One shot.
Interview Interlude: in which the singers talk rapidly at the SBS cameras in their native languages. I swoon.
So according to me, the qualifying nations are as follows, in order of performance:
Poland
Norway
Albania
Turkey
Russia
Georgia
Finland
Iceland
Hungary
Greece
I'm not going to comment on the Drumline entertainment. They didn't even march in step. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.
I must say that Jon Ola Sand has a far less entertaining name than last year's lord god king of Eurovision, Svante.
So... the nations which Europe has chosen for qualification are as follows:
Serbia - 0 for 1
Lithuania - 0 for 2
Greece - 1 for 2
Azerbaijan - 1 for 3
Georgia - 2 for 3
Switzerland - 2 for 4
Hungary - 3 for 4
Finland - 4 for 4
Russia - 5 for 4
Iceland - 6 for 4
Same accuracy as the other semi.
I'd just like to have a quick final private rant regarding this year's Eurovision.
WHERE WERE THE WIND MACHINES? THIS IS EUROVISION. I EXPECT GALE FORCE WINDS IN EVERY NUMBER. I AM SO UNIMPRESSED WITH THE CALIBRE OF THIS YEAR'S WIND MACHINING.
So unimpressed.
Monday, May 16, 2011
DER EUROVISION FINAL!!!!
Here's the final, following the same drinking game as the last post, with a quick addition: when a nation gives it's top 3 points allocations to countries within it's region, you drink a geopolitics shot. Enjoy, my drunken dearies.
Now would also be a good time to point out that my scoring system is logarithmic rather than linear. It'll come in handy later.
This is the first time I’ve seen the starting credits. They’re cool. And apparently they somehow got 36 000 people into the stadium. I am impressed. As usual, us aussies get a shout out from the hosts. As usual, I’m feeling the love.
And now, since Lena is once again germany’s entry, the hosts are going to give us their rendition of Satellite. That is some weird shiznit right there. That having been said, it’s a cute arrangememnt. And the double bass player is a bit of a hottie. And I’m a fan of the whole big band thing. As well as the 43 Lena lookalikes. And now, Lena is apparently standing on a double bass whilst singing. Respect.
I must say that the video showing the football stadium to euro-temple was pretty darn cool. And now onto the videos.
Finland
I’m in awe of this postcard. The guy took his double bass ON THE BUS.
The song’s called ‘Da da dam’. Shot. He’s a cutie though. And it’s quite an adorable song. I think I just love his accent a little. Oh to be back in Finland. The problem is that it’s a bit too meaningful, and not quite Europop enough. I love it, but will Europe?
8.75/10
One shot.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
He's still old. And the song is still kind of weird. I'm still not sold, but I'm liking it slightly more than before. It's kind of cute in a sadly postcommunist way. I'm also thinking I might have hallucinated one of last night's keychanges.
7/10
One shot - keychange.
Denmark
Another unnecessary shot yesterday - it's the band which has a stupid name. I actually really like this song. They're so adorably Scandiwegian. Respect for the random giant balloon, but once again, it's a shot for the backless shirt on the lead singer.
9/10
Two shots - keychange.
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. This should be interesting. A lovely dress, but not quite enough to merit a shot. good use of fog, bad use of a wind machine, in that there wasn't any. Her hair and dress are just crying out for it. I'm not quite understanding the point of the sign language. Clearly it's for all the deaf people who are watching a SONG CONTEST. The keychange was a bit... forced.
7/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Hungary
She's an old one. Shot for the ABBA inspired costumes. Decent seizure inducement, underwhelming male dancers. It's an alright song overall, and I'm muchly a fan of the use of spotlights. I'm surprised there wasn't a keychange, but the LED clothing more than makes up for it.
8.5/10
One shot.
Interview interlude - wow. Russia is a BABE.
Ireland
John and Edward (Jedward from hereonin) have a brother named Kevin. According to Sam, he's the Fredo of the family. Awkies for him.
Instant double shot for the hair and the outfits. Respect for going with it when one of them dropped his mike stand. Very profesh. Once again, loving the bit when they marched. Very cute.
8.25/10
Three shots - keychange.
Sam: This is what happens when eighteen year old boys drink red cordial.
Sweden
I still love the viking postcard.
Well. They've notched it up since the semi. There are more specfx. I'm still not a fan of the whole glove thing, although the semi-shirtless male dancers are more than Eurovision enough to compensate. I just feel that the lights didn't strobe enough.
8.25/10
Two shots - keychange, that bloody glove.
Estonia
Adorable as this song is, I can't like it because it just isn't trashy enough. I like it as a song, but not as an example of europop.
7.5/10 - I marked it down because it wasn't trashy. Otherwise, 9/10
Still no shots.
Greece
I'm watching Greece, and yet I can see no chest hair. I can't even see any chest. WHAT IS THIS? The rapper sounds as if he should be in some heavy metal version of Linkin Park. Despite the lack of open shirts, I'm liking the song. Probably for the metallic undertones. It's very dark by Greek standards, but there's great use of pyrotechnics. I will however need to allocate a shot to the ridiculous backdrop.
8.25/10
One shot.
Russia
Cool postcard.
Apparently the singer just won dancing with the stars on ice... and on land. Kudos to him. And he's a bit of a HOTTIE. There's a shot for what the breakdancers are wearing. I like it though, partially because he's the first act to actually work the crowd. And I'm impressed by the writing on the jackets. The song could have used a keychange.
8.75/10
One shot.
France
I'm looking forward to this. He's a babe who sings opera. I've been looking forward to this ever since I saw the little clip of him in the Big Five montage. So far I love the music, and his voice... and him in general. The hair's a touch odd, but otherwise this is some great shit. There's good use of fog, and have I mentioned that he's amazingly beautiful? And there's pyrotechnics.
10/10 - it'll never win, and I don't care if it wasn't even clichét enough to warrant a shot. I'm in love.
Italy
This is Italy's first performance in 14 years. That's a while. And now I can see why. There's a creepy dude playing a clear perspex piano. And it's slow jazz, which I also hate. And the trumpet player has a bun. And he's a dude. DISLIKE. I haven't actively hated a song this much since last year.
<5/10
One shot - we need to erase the memory of just how bad that was.
Interview interlude - France's entry is the youngest tenor in the world. AND HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
Switzerland
Cute postcard. I liked the fact that they had 'Feel your heart beat' in all four main languages.
It's a pity, because that was the last thing I liked about Switzerland.
<5/10
No shots.
UK
Shot for the giant LCD portraits. Shot for the shiny outfits. Points for harmonising. Points lost for the solos. Points for the amount of chest showing - Britain has really put some eurotrash into it this time. I can't help but feel however that the only reason the black guy is there is because he's muscly and thus adds some street cred.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Moldova
They've supported Korn and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. It shows.
I can't help but realise that the guitar players aren't wearing hats tonight. That won't stop me from giving two shots immediately for outfit. This song is like a technicolour seizure, replete with some random chick on a unicycle. I still, for some ridiculous reason, still find that I like it.
7.5/10
Three shots - that monocle really creeps me out.
Germany
This postcard is a behind-the-scenes thing looking at the hosts. Muy adorable.
Lena's backup dancers look like something you'd ezpect in a Katy Perry clip. It's weird. Lena still sounds like Missy Higgins, but if anything, she is now too seasoned a performer. She's stopped being adorable. And the harem pants were a mistake. One shot for the outfit, one for the unitard-clad dancers. None for changing key.
6/10
Two shots.
Romania
I like the postcard of the graffiti artists.
This song seems cool. The pianist is nicely insane, and there's some good subtle sparkling. The women are unfortunately not wearing enough clothing. This is then offset by the fact that they're trumpeting. Shot for the tartan on the back of the men's vests. Decent light show, good fire to finish.
7.25/10
Two shots - keychange.
Austria
I am unmoved in my opinion. She's pleasantly sparkly, but otherwise... The fog and the sparkles are all that's keeping her above 5/10.
6/10
A shot to erase the memory of how boring that was.
Azerbaijan
Immediate shot for the quasi-grecian costumes. Their outfits may be white, but the song is incredibly beige. I approve of the fireworks shower, but this is overwhelmingly unimpressive. And the guy weirds me out.
5/10
One shot.
Slovenia
Another immediate shot for outfit. Honestly, what was she thinking? I'm also not liking the power balladry - this is another white girl trying to be Beyonce, whom I already dislike. Rousing keychange, and passable wind machining towards the end.
7/10
Two shots.
Iceland
Cutely barbershop. I like the fact that they aren't wanking it up on a grand piano. I also like the story of the band's formation. Nothing like Eurovision to give you the warm fuzzies. Points for the backdrop.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Spain
I'm ready for another shocker. Will I be pleasantly surprised? Probably not. They're wearing white/lurid pink. SHOT! All I can say is that this song is like Spanish daytime TV in song form. If not for the handheld pyrotechnics, this would be a total loss.
5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Ukraine
I am struck bu how much the singer reminds me of Teylor Swift. I still can't get over the weirdness of the costumes, but they're cool nonetheless. And the sand art... wow. I also love the use of wind and fog.
8.5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Serbia
They're very sixties. Libatively so. I, unlike Sam and Julia, am not feeling the love. I like the fact that the backdrop is nauseatingly bright and swirly, but that's it.
5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Georgia
This lot look adorably dark. They sound adorably dark too. The costumes warrant a shot, but the wind machining is on par with Georgia's usual good capitalisation thereof. My only criticisms are: they're trying to hard, the girl kind of sucks, and there's a random guy rapping. The only people who get away with that kind of thing are Linkin Park. I do however like all the crazy strobing and the fireworks at the end.
8.5/10
Two shots - keychange.
So, at the end of another final, the placings according to me are as follows:
1 - France
2 - Denmark
3 - Finland, Russia
4 - Georgia, Hungary, Ukraine
5 - Greece, Ireland, Sweden, The UK
6 - Iceland
7 - Estonia, Moldova
8 - Romania
9 - Bosnia & Herzegovina, Lithuania, Slovenia
10 - Austria, Germany
11 - Azerbaijan, Serbia, Spain
12 - Italy, Switzerland
Now we drink a shot for the new dress Anke is wearing. Apparently Anke is a professional comedienne. I'm loving all the Berlin wall jokes.
And now onto the dangerous territory of politics shots. Prepare your glasses, this could get ugly.
Russia: Greece 8; Ukraine 10; Azerbaijan 12.
We drink a shot because the UK are still on a duck.
Bulgaria: Ukraine 8; Greece 10; UK 12.
The Netherlands: Bosnia & Herzegovina 8; Sweden 10; Denmark 12.
Italy: [we drink a shot for what the presenter is wearing] Moldova 8; UK 10; Romania 12.
What is this? The UK are actually leading???
Cyprus: Azerbaijan 8; Sweden 10; Greece 12.
Well, that was foreseen. I don't see why people are bothering to boo, but still. We all knew that was going to happen. Either way, we drink a shot!
Ukraine: Russia 8; Azerbaijan 10; Georgia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Finland: Iceland 8; Ireland 10, Hungary 12.
Finland, Switzerland and Spain are all still sitting on a duck. That's a pity with regard to Finland.
Norway: [ooh, look! It's that chick who hosted last year.] Iceland 8; Sweden 10; Finland 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Armenia: Russia 8; Georgia 10; Ukraine 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
FYR Macedonia: Serbia 8; Slovenia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Switzerland is still on a duck. Sucks to be them.
Iceland: Azerbaijan 8; Finland 10; Denmark 12.
Slovenia [which half the time the hosts refer to as Slovakia]: Ireland 8; Sweden 10; Ukraine 12.
I'm yet to drink an Ireland shot. This is odd.
UK: Moldova 8; Switzerland 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!! It seems I spoke too soon.
Denmark: Germany 8; Sweden 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!!
Austria: Azerbaijan 8; Germany 10 [duhh]; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
Poland: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Lithuania 12.
Spain, on 7, is the only country still on single digits. Of course they WERE crap...
Sweden [the presenter's wearing an Eric Saade shirt. POLITICS SHOT!!]: Bosnia & Herzegovina 8; Denmark 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!!
San Marino [presenter singing? ANAESTHETIC SHOT!!]: Greece 8; Azerbaijan 10; Italy 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (San Marino being only a principality, giving the 12 to Italy counts as geopoliticking.)
At this point, there's only one point between Sweden and Azerbaijan. In previous years, the winner was clearly visible by this stage in the proceedings. Go figure.
Germany: Ireland 8; Greece 10; Austria 12 [duhh].
Azerbaijan [Shot for what the presenter's wearing]: Greece 8; Georgia 10; Ukraine 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Slovenia [More presenter singing. Unnecessary. At least he's better than the guy from San Marino]: Denmark 8; Serbia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
I liked his octopus reference. Lols abound.
Turkey: Georgia 8; Bosnia & Herzegovina 10; Azerbaijan 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Spain is STILL on single digits. There are STILL only two points between Azerbaijan and Sweden.
Switzerland: Germany 8; Iceland 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
Greece [who will they vote for now that Cyprus is out of the running?]: Georgia 8; Italy 10; France 12. HUZZAH!!
Georgia: Azerbaijan 8; Ukraine 10; Lithuania 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
France [They aren't using English. Snap. Good thing I like hot guys who speak French. POLITICS SHOT!!]: Italy 8; Sweden 10; Spain 12. Really? Really??
Serbia: Hungary 8; Slovenia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Croatia: Serbia 8; Azerbaijan 10; Slovenia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Belarus: Germany 8; Ukraine 10; Georgia 12.
Romania: Greece 8; Azerbaijan 10; Moldova 12.
Albania: Azerbaijan 8; Greece 10; Italy 12.
Malta: Ireland 8; Italy 10 [duhh]; Azerbaijan 12.
Portugal: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Spain 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (With Spain being the only neighbour Portugal has, this warrants alcoholic recognition)
Azerbaijan is starting to really break away.
Hungary: Greece 8; Sweden 10; Iceland 12.
Lithuania: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Georgia 12.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Azerbaijan 8; Serbia 10; Slovenia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Ireland [loving the prosthetic Jedward hair]: Moldova 8; Lithuania 10; Denmark 12.
SHOT FOR THE UK GETTING NOTHING FROM THEIR ONLY REAL EUROVISUAL NEIGHBOUR!!
Spain: Romania 8; France 10; Italy 12.
Israel: Russia 8; Denmark 10; Sweden 12.
Estonia: Azerbaijan 8; Denmark 10; Sweden 12.
I can't help but realise that Sam and Julia aren't feeling the love for Azerbaijan either. They weren't that good.
Moldova: Ukraine 8; Azerbaijan 10; Romania 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Azerbaijan have now won to a mathematical certainty. But it's not by the 150+ points margins of the last few winners.
Belgium: Greece 8; Romania 10; France 12. Hurrah. He's such a cutie.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (Belgium really doesn't have that many neighbours)
Latvia: Germany 8; Ireland 10; Italy 12.
Well that's Eurovision. Azerbaijan won, which shits me, but at least with the 62 shots I theoretically drank, I was way too wasted [pronounced: dead as a result of alcohol poisoning] to care. Stay tuned for Semifinal 1.
Now would also be a good time to point out that my scoring system is logarithmic rather than linear. It'll come in handy later.
This is the first time I’ve seen the starting credits. They’re cool. And apparently they somehow got 36 000 people into the stadium. I am impressed. As usual, us aussies get a shout out from the hosts. As usual, I’m feeling the love.
And now, since Lena is once again germany’s entry, the hosts are going to give us their rendition of Satellite. That is some weird shiznit right there. That having been said, it’s a cute arrangememnt. And the double bass player is a bit of a hottie. And I’m a fan of the whole big band thing. As well as the 43 Lena lookalikes. And now, Lena is apparently standing on a double bass whilst singing. Respect.
I must say that the video showing the football stadium to euro-temple was pretty darn cool. And now onto the videos.
Finland
I’m in awe of this postcard. The guy took his double bass ON THE BUS.
The song’s called ‘Da da dam’. Shot. He’s a cutie though. And it’s quite an adorable song. I think I just love his accent a little. Oh to be back in Finland. The problem is that it’s a bit too meaningful, and not quite Europop enough. I love it, but will Europe?
8.75/10
One shot.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
He's still old. And the song is still kind of weird. I'm still not sold, but I'm liking it slightly more than before. It's kind of cute in a sadly postcommunist way. I'm also thinking I might have hallucinated one of last night's keychanges.
7/10
One shot - keychange.
Denmark
Another unnecessary shot yesterday - it's the band which has a stupid name. I actually really like this song. They're so adorably Scandiwegian. Respect for the random giant balloon, but once again, it's a shot for the backless shirt on the lead singer.
9/10
Two shots - keychange.
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. This should be interesting. A lovely dress, but not quite enough to merit a shot. good use of fog, bad use of a wind machine, in that there wasn't any. Her hair and dress are just crying out for it. I'm not quite understanding the point of the sign language. Clearly it's for all the deaf people who are watching a SONG CONTEST. The keychange was a bit... forced.
7/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Hungary
She's an old one. Shot for the ABBA inspired costumes. Decent seizure inducement, underwhelming male dancers. It's an alright song overall, and I'm muchly a fan of the use of spotlights. I'm surprised there wasn't a keychange, but the LED clothing more than makes up for it.
8.5/10
One shot.
Interview interlude - wow. Russia is a BABE.
Ireland
John and Edward (Jedward from hereonin) have a brother named Kevin. According to Sam, he's the Fredo of the family. Awkies for him.
Instant double shot for the hair and the outfits. Respect for going with it when one of them dropped his mike stand. Very profesh. Once again, loving the bit when they marched. Very cute.
8.25/10
Three shots - keychange.
Sam: This is what happens when eighteen year old boys drink red cordial.
Sweden
I still love the viking postcard.
Well. They've notched it up since the semi. There are more specfx. I'm still not a fan of the whole glove thing, although the semi-shirtless male dancers are more than Eurovision enough to compensate. I just feel that the lights didn't strobe enough.
8.25/10
Two shots - keychange, that bloody glove.
Estonia
Adorable as this song is, I can't like it because it just isn't trashy enough. I like it as a song, but not as an example of europop.
7.5/10 - I marked it down because it wasn't trashy. Otherwise, 9/10
Still no shots.
Greece
I'm watching Greece, and yet I can see no chest hair. I can't even see any chest. WHAT IS THIS? The rapper sounds as if he should be in some heavy metal version of Linkin Park. Despite the lack of open shirts, I'm liking the song. Probably for the metallic undertones. It's very dark by Greek standards, but there's great use of pyrotechnics. I will however need to allocate a shot to the ridiculous backdrop.
8.25/10
One shot.
Russia
Cool postcard.
Apparently the singer just won dancing with the stars on ice... and on land. Kudos to him. And he's a bit of a HOTTIE. There's a shot for what the breakdancers are wearing. I like it though, partially because he's the first act to actually work the crowd. And I'm impressed by the writing on the jackets. The song could have used a keychange.
8.75/10
One shot.
France
I'm looking forward to this. He's a babe who sings opera. I've been looking forward to this ever since I saw the little clip of him in the Big Five montage. So far I love the music, and his voice... and him in general. The hair's a touch odd, but otherwise this is some great shit. There's good use of fog, and have I mentioned that he's amazingly beautiful? And there's pyrotechnics.
10/10 - it'll never win, and I don't care if it wasn't even clichét enough to warrant a shot. I'm in love.
Italy
This is Italy's first performance in 14 years. That's a while. And now I can see why. There's a creepy dude playing a clear perspex piano. And it's slow jazz, which I also hate. And the trumpet player has a bun. And he's a dude. DISLIKE. I haven't actively hated a song this much since last year.
<5/10
One shot - we need to erase the memory of just how bad that was.
Interview interlude - France's entry is the youngest tenor in the world. AND HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
Switzerland
Cute postcard. I liked the fact that they had 'Feel your heart beat' in all four main languages.
It's a pity, because that was the last thing I liked about Switzerland.
<5/10
No shots.
UK
Shot for the giant LCD portraits. Shot for the shiny outfits. Points for harmonising. Points lost for the solos. Points for the amount of chest showing - Britain has really put some eurotrash into it this time. I can't help but feel however that the only reason the black guy is there is because he's muscly and thus adds some street cred.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Moldova
They've supported Korn and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. It shows.
I can't help but realise that the guitar players aren't wearing hats tonight. That won't stop me from giving two shots immediately for outfit. This song is like a technicolour seizure, replete with some random chick on a unicycle. I still, for some ridiculous reason, still find that I like it.
7.5/10
Three shots - that monocle really creeps me out.
Germany
This postcard is a behind-the-scenes thing looking at the hosts. Muy adorable.
Lena's backup dancers look like something you'd ezpect in a Katy Perry clip. It's weird. Lena still sounds like Missy Higgins, but if anything, she is now too seasoned a performer. She's stopped being adorable. And the harem pants were a mistake. One shot for the outfit, one for the unitard-clad dancers. None for changing key.
6/10
Two shots.
Romania
I like the postcard of the graffiti artists.
This song seems cool. The pianist is nicely insane, and there's some good subtle sparkling. The women are unfortunately not wearing enough clothing. This is then offset by the fact that they're trumpeting. Shot for the tartan on the back of the men's vests. Decent light show, good fire to finish.
7.25/10
Two shots - keychange.
Austria
I am unmoved in my opinion. She's pleasantly sparkly, but otherwise... The fog and the sparkles are all that's keeping her above 5/10.
6/10
A shot to erase the memory of how boring that was.
Azerbaijan
Immediate shot for the quasi-grecian costumes. Their outfits may be white, but the song is incredibly beige. I approve of the fireworks shower, but this is overwhelmingly unimpressive. And the guy weirds me out.
5/10
One shot.
Slovenia
Another immediate shot for outfit. Honestly, what was she thinking? I'm also not liking the power balladry - this is another white girl trying to be Beyonce, whom I already dislike. Rousing keychange, and passable wind machining towards the end.
7/10
Two shots.
Iceland
Cutely barbershop. I like the fact that they aren't wanking it up on a grand piano. I also like the story of the band's formation. Nothing like Eurovision to give you the warm fuzzies. Points for the backdrop.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Spain
I'm ready for another shocker. Will I be pleasantly surprised? Probably not. They're wearing white/lurid pink. SHOT! All I can say is that this song is like Spanish daytime TV in song form. If not for the handheld pyrotechnics, this would be a total loss.
5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Ukraine
I am struck bu how much the singer reminds me of Teylor Swift. I still can't get over the weirdness of the costumes, but they're cool nonetheless. And the sand art... wow. I also love the use of wind and fog.
8.5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Serbia
They're very sixties. Libatively so. I, unlike Sam and Julia, am not feeling the love. I like the fact that the backdrop is nauseatingly bright and swirly, but that's it.
5/10
Two shots - keychange.
Georgia
This lot look adorably dark. They sound adorably dark too. The costumes warrant a shot, but the wind machining is on par with Georgia's usual good capitalisation thereof. My only criticisms are: they're trying to hard, the girl kind of sucks, and there's a random guy rapping. The only people who get away with that kind of thing are Linkin Park. I do however like all the crazy strobing and the fireworks at the end.
8.5/10
Two shots - keychange.
So, at the end of another final, the placings according to me are as follows:
1 - France
2 - Denmark
3 - Finland, Russia
4 - Georgia, Hungary, Ukraine
5 - Greece, Ireland, Sweden, The UK
6 - Iceland
7 - Estonia, Moldova
8 - Romania
9 - Bosnia & Herzegovina, Lithuania, Slovenia
10 - Austria, Germany
11 - Azerbaijan, Serbia, Spain
12 - Italy, Switzerland
Now we drink a shot for the new dress Anke is wearing. Apparently Anke is a professional comedienne. I'm loving all the Berlin wall jokes.
And now onto the dangerous territory of politics shots. Prepare your glasses, this could get ugly.
Russia: Greece 8; Ukraine 10; Azerbaijan 12.
We drink a shot because the UK are still on a duck.
Bulgaria: Ukraine 8; Greece 10; UK 12.
The Netherlands: Bosnia & Herzegovina 8; Sweden 10; Denmark 12.
Italy: [we drink a shot for what the presenter is wearing] Moldova 8; UK 10; Romania 12.
What is this? The UK are actually leading???
Cyprus: Azerbaijan 8; Sweden 10; Greece 12.
Well, that was foreseen. I don't see why people are bothering to boo, but still. We all knew that was going to happen. Either way, we drink a shot!
Ukraine: Russia 8; Azerbaijan 10; Georgia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Finland: Iceland 8; Ireland 10, Hungary 12.
Finland, Switzerland and Spain are all still sitting on a duck. That's a pity with regard to Finland.
Norway: [ooh, look! It's that chick who hosted last year.] Iceland 8; Sweden 10; Finland 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Armenia: Russia 8; Georgia 10; Ukraine 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
FYR Macedonia: Serbia 8; Slovenia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Switzerland is still on a duck. Sucks to be them.
Iceland: Azerbaijan 8; Finland 10; Denmark 12.
Slovenia [which half the time the hosts refer to as Slovakia]: Ireland 8; Sweden 10; Ukraine 12.
I'm yet to drink an Ireland shot. This is odd.
UK: Moldova 8; Switzerland 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!! It seems I spoke too soon.
Denmark: Germany 8; Sweden 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!!
Austria: Azerbaijan 8; Germany 10 [duhh]; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
Poland: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Lithuania 12.
Spain, on 7, is the only country still on single digits. Of course they WERE crap...
Sweden [the presenter's wearing an Eric Saade shirt. POLITICS SHOT!!]: Bosnia & Herzegovina 8; Denmark 10; Ireland 12.
LUCK OF THE IRISH!!
San Marino [presenter singing? ANAESTHETIC SHOT!!]: Greece 8; Azerbaijan 10; Italy 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (San Marino being only a principality, giving the 12 to Italy counts as geopoliticking.)
At this point, there's only one point between Sweden and Azerbaijan. In previous years, the winner was clearly visible by this stage in the proceedings. Go figure.
Germany: Ireland 8; Greece 10; Austria 12 [duhh].
Azerbaijan [Shot for what the presenter's wearing]: Greece 8; Georgia 10; Ukraine 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Slovenia [More presenter singing. Unnecessary. At least he's better than the guy from San Marino]: Denmark 8; Serbia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
I liked his octopus reference. Lols abound.
Turkey: Georgia 8; Bosnia & Herzegovina 10; Azerbaijan 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Spain is STILL on single digits. There are STILL only two points between Azerbaijan and Sweden.
Switzerland: Germany 8; Iceland 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
Greece [who will they vote for now that Cyprus is out of the running?]: Georgia 8; Italy 10; France 12. HUZZAH!!
Georgia: Azerbaijan 8; Ukraine 10; Lithuania 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
France [They aren't using English. Snap. Good thing I like hot guys who speak French. POLITICS SHOT!!]: Italy 8; Sweden 10; Spain 12. Really? Really??
Serbia: Hungary 8; Slovenia 10; Bosnia & Herzegovina 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Croatia: Serbia 8; Azerbaijan 10; Slovenia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Belarus: Germany 8; Ukraine 10; Georgia 12.
Romania: Greece 8; Azerbaijan 10; Moldova 12.
Albania: Azerbaijan 8; Greece 10; Italy 12.
Malta: Ireland 8; Italy 10 [duhh]; Azerbaijan 12.
Portugal: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Spain 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (With Spain being the only neighbour Portugal has, this warrants alcoholic recognition)
Azerbaijan is starting to really break away.
Hungary: Greece 8; Sweden 10; Iceland 12.
Lithuania: Azerbaijan 8; Italy 10; Georgia 12.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Azerbaijan 8; Serbia 10; Slovenia 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Ireland [loving the prosthetic Jedward hair]: Moldova 8; Lithuania 10; Denmark 12.
SHOT FOR THE UK GETTING NOTHING FROM THEIR ONLY REAL EUROVISUAL NEIGHBOUR!!
Spain: Romania 8; France 10; Italy 12.
Israel: Russia 8; Denmark 10; Sweden 12.
Estonia: Azerbaijan 8; Denmark 10; Sweden 12.
I can't help but realise that Sam and Julia aren't feeling the love for Azerbaijan either. They weren't that good.
Moldova: Ukraine 8; Azerbaijan 10; Romania 12.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!!
Azerbaijan have now won to a mathematical certainty. But it's not by the 150+ points margins of the last few winners.
Belgium: Greece 8; Romania 10; France 12. Hurrah. He's such a cutie.
GEOPOLITICAL SHOT!! (Belgium really doesn't have that many neighbours)
Latvia: Germany 8; Ireland 10; Italy 12.
Well that's Eurovision. Azerbaijan won, which shits me, but at least with the 62 shots I theoretically drank, I was way too wasted [pronounced: dead as a result of alcohol poisoning] to care. Stay tuned for Semifinal 1.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
SHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTS!!!
EVERYBODY! SHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTS!!
I just realised I neglected to tell you how smashed I would theorietcally be.
51 shots.
I'd have passed out somewhere in the middle of Belgium's entry.
Now that's Eurotrashy.
I just realised I neglected to tell you how smashed I would theorietcally be.
51 shots.
I'd have passed out somewhere in the middle of Belgium's entry.
Now that's Eurotrashy.
Eurovision 2
Those of you who are concentrating will see that I didn't actually post something from the first Eurovision final. This is because I was at a school function that night. But fear not, I'll post it some time this week. Once I actually watch the show.
This year, as a bit of a side note, I'll be referencing a Eurovision drinking game developed by Andrew Blackie of UNSW. It goes as follows.
Whenever the costume overwhelms the song, you take a shot.
Whenever there's ridiculous national dress, you take a shot.
Whenever a song has a stupid title, you take a shot.
Whenever anyone says the word 'baby', you take a shot.
Whenever there's a keychange, you take a shot.
If ever an entry tries to be serious by using an actual instrument, you take a shot.
Whenever a song gets political, you take a shot.
When Cyprus and Greece are overtly buddy-buddy, you take a shot.
When the Irish win, you take a shot.
When the UK come dead last, you take a shot.
I'll also be giving my ratings out of 10. These don't nevessarily reflect quality of song, the majority of the points are for eurotrashiness; use of fire, fig and wind; and most importantly, shock value. Because this is Eurovision, after all.
So here we go: the second semifinal.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
For a show opener, this was boring. I honestly cannot remember anything interesting about it, apart from the fact that they had a string bass on stage. They did have two keychanges though.
7/10
Two shots.
Austria
All I can think is that the lead singer wishes she was Beyonce. This isn't working for me, mainly because I rather dislike Beyonce. I'm also not a fan of power ballads when they aren't sung by 1980s british rockers. I do however approve of how sparkly her dress is. Swarovski crystals. Shiny. The keychange was well executed, but otherwise, the song was just a bit... meh.
7/10
One shot.
The Netherlands
The lead singer is wearing a textured white suit. He's only mildly classier than Elvis.His sideburns are also quite Presley-esque. And watching him, I can't help but think that he and the bassist have a bit of courtly man-love going on. But dear god, the song's bland.
6/10
One shot - costume.
Belgium
I'm thoroughly impressed by the a capella action going on here. I just can't seem to understand why the ladies are wearing one glove each. They aren't Michael Jackson. Or if they are, that's some trippy shit. And why is that guy, who is clearly over 30, wearing skinny jeans? And they said 'baby' at least sixteen times (and I may have missed a few). I mean the song's called 'With love baby', but still.
8.5/10
Seventeen shots - sixteen for saying the word 'baby', one for costume.
SEVENTEEN SHOTS!!!
Slovenia
They have a piano and a slow drummer - it's a downbeat entry. There is very impressive use of a wind machine - at last, someone's actually getting into the Eurovision spirit. The costumes are a bit ridiculous, although well designed for use in conjunction with a wind machine. It's a pity the singers are flat. There are, however, pyrotechnics, so there's some points there. Probably the eurotrashiest song yet.
Quick side note: BOOOOOOOBS. Honestly ladies. Keep them in your dresses.
8.25/10
Two shots - attempting to be serious, costume.
Ukraine
Cute postcard.
I'm very impressed by the sand art. It's like freaky amazing. But what's with the costume? The Ukraine have, as always, really outdone themselves. Feathers and lurid pleather. Unfortunately, not very good use of wind machines, which is odd for the Ukraine. Usually they capitalise well on such things. The use of a fog machine does however compensate somewhat.
8.75/10
One shot - costume.
Moldova
I'm liking the song. Not because it's good, but because it's so trashy that I can't help but love it. It's almost as good as the song 'Super DJ' by Russian pop-techno group 'Disco Accident'. But the costumes? This is the first double shot for costumes. Eek. There is however impressive usage of seizure inducing lights. I also quite like their custom brass instruments. Oh but wait, there's a monocle. That's another shot in itself.
8.75/10 (for the trashy factor)
Three shots - Costume, national dress, monocle.
Sweden
I like the postcard. The marching band in me just loves footage of parades. I also have a bit of a thing for vikings. Just saying...
Well. Male backup dancers. Now that's Eurovision. I'm not sure about the finished product though. I mean the microphone glove on the lead singer? It's just a bit... REALLY INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL (I couldn't think of a more PC way of saying that). He can dance, though. And the lights could cause the odd seizure.
8.25/10
Two shots - one for costume, one for the very well executed keychange.
Cyprus
I hear from the voice over that there's going to be 'traditional instruments'. That's a shot. There's fog. Cool. There's a chick in a ballgown. With crazy hair. There's another shot. Great music, though. Nice harmonies. Oh wait... Why is that chick now screaming and practising hammerthrow? And I'm also put off slightly by the whole leaning from side to side thing in the verses. Combined with the background art also moving from side to side, I feel as if I'm on a pitching ship. Good dance though.
9/10
Two shots - reasons set out above.
Bulgaria
I feel as if they mugged a young David Bowie for these costumes. They're also a bit... white. The costumes that is. They could really benefit from a wind machine. Good use of fire, however.
8/10
Two shots - keychange, costume.
FYP Macedonia
This song is incredibly beige. And that girl in the backup dancers is camera-whoring WAY too much. If ever there was a song which was just SCREAMING for a modulation, it was this one, but the key stays the same throughout. UNIMPRESSED.
6.75/10
One shot - national dress.
Israel
A transsexual. There's a shot. The song's called 'Ding Dong'. There's a shot. Moving on, the singers are a bit aurally mushy (crap diction), and they're all singing a bit too high for their voice types. The hebrew/english fusion is a bit confusing, but that's because I keep translating in my head. Decently rousing keychange, but the lights could have been more strobe-y. And there could have been a wind machine.
7.5/10
Three shots - another for the fact that the dress makes the singer look a bit like a lizard.
Slovenia
Her voice is passable, but the dominatrix costume is a bit... unnecessary. There's a shot in those boots alone. Second use of a wind machine tonight, but under-capitalised.
7.5/10
One shot.
Romania
Very Human Nature. They're adorable, well dressed, and have a good keychange. And they're also really bland and unmemorable. Pity.
7/10
One shot.
Estonia
Cute postcard. Cute costume. Cute song, with nice use of a snare drum. I'm also liking the unison breakdancing. The buildings which form the backdrop actually look like downtown Tallin. It's a good pop song, but not really that Eurovision.
7.75/10
NO SHOTS. THIS IS WHY IT'S NOT THAT EUROVISION. IT'S COMPLETELY UN-CLICHÉD.
Belarus
'I Love Belarus'. Nice song title. Amazing pyrotechnics. Probably the best I've ever seen in Eurovision. Shot for the overtly political message. That's not going to stop me from downloading it and then sticing it on my ipod. Shot for the costumes. Shot for the amazingly well integrated keychange. AND THEN SHOT FOR THE EVEN BETTER ONE RIGHT AFTER IT!!! RESPECT!!
9.25/10
Four shots.
Latvia
Weird use of swivel stools. Passable wind machining, but not enough. And that weird chiffon stuff is just odd. As is the whole red/white/black colour scheme. And the falsetto? Really? Ick.
6.25/10 - it was that unmemorable.
One shot - costume.
Denmark
Shot for the song title. A Friend in London? Honestly. Shot for their hair. They're adorable enough as their quasi-boyband, but the lights aren't seizure inducing enough. Shot for the backless shirt on the lead singer. There really is no excuse.
8.75/10
Three shots.
Ireland
According to the voice overs, these guys are the second favourites to win the contest. We'll see. Shot for the Gaga appropriated costumes. Shot for the hair. Good use of fog machines. I also take back everythign I said before about Sweden. They were NOWHERE NEAR as overwhelmingly gay as this veritable fount of gay is turning out to be. BRAINSPLODE.
9/10
Three shots - there was a decent keychange.
And now, according to the creepy host guy, "fifteen minutes remain for woting"
So, according to my scores, the countries advancing to the final are, in order of appearance:
Belgium
Slovenia
Ukraine
Moldova
Sweden
Cyprus
Bulgaria
Belarus
Denmark
Ireland
Let's see how many I got correct.
But first, back to the hopelessness of that creepy host guy.
"Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Five. Five. Four." etc.
Host lady: Name two things that don't go together.
Creepy host guy: England and penalty shootouts. Germans and humour. Women and Technology.
Crowd: Did he just go there???
But anyway, now for my impressions of the Big Five, having seen a couple of seconds of their clips.
Spain: What on EARTH were they thinking? Yet another fail.
France: What a sex bomb. He's all brooding and operatic. YAY!!
Italy: I'm shaking my head in disappointment. Honestly.
UK: Muscly boy band. Like the Backstreet Boys, but less wimpy looking. This should be informative.
Germany: Weird. That's all I have to say. Weird.
And now the qualification according to Europe.
Estonia - that's 0 for 1 (I'll be using US football rankings here. It's easier.)
Romania - 0 for 2
Moldova - 1 for 2
Ireland - 2 for 2, and we do another shot
Bosnia & Herzegovina - 2 for 3
Denmark - 3 for 3
Austria - 3 for 4
Ukraine - 4 for 4
Slovenia - 5 for 4
Sweden - 6 for 4
That's an improvement on last year - back then I was only 4 for 6.
Quote from Julia (re: Sweden): Men holding each other in man love.
Quote from me (re: Sweden): We thought they were gay, but then we saw Ireland.
Another side note, cameraman 4 is so fired. He's been giving us closeups before it's announced. Sucks to be him :)
Stay tuned for the final, as well as semi 1 when I get around to watching it.
Until then...
This year, as a bit of a side note, I'll be referencing a Eurovision drinking game developed by Andrew Blackie of UNSW. It goes as follows.
Whenever the costume overwhelms the song, you take a shot.
Whenever there's ridiculous national dress, you take a shot.
Whenever a song has a stupid title, you take a shot.
Whenever anyone says the word 'baby', you take a shot.
Whenever there's a keychange, you take a shot.
If ever an entry tries to be serious by using an actual instrument, you take a shot.
Whenever a song gets political, you take a shot.
When Cyprus and Greece are overtly buddy-buddy, you take a shot.
When the Irish win, you take a shot.
When the UK come dead last, you take a shot.
I'll also be giving my ratings out of 10. These don't nevessarily reflect quality of song, the majority of the points are for eurotrashiness; use of fire, fig and wind; and most importantly, shock value. Because this is Eurovision, after all.
So here we go: the second semifinal.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
For a show opener, this was boring. I honestly cannot remember anything interesting about it, apart from the fact that they had a string bass on stage. They did have two keychanges though.
7/10
Two shots.
Austria
All I can think is that the lead singer wishes she was Beyonce. This isn't working for me, mainly because I rather dislike Beyonce. I'm also not a fan of power ballads when they aren't sung by 1980s british rockers. I do however approve of how sparkly her dress is. Swarovski crystals. Shiny. The keychange was well executed, but otherwise, the song was just a bit... meh.
7/10
One shot.
The Netherlands
The lead singer is wearing a textured white suit. He's only mildly classier than Elvis.His sideburns are also quite Presley-esque. And watching him, I can't help but think that he and the bassist have a bit of courtly man-love going on. But dear god, the song's bland.
6/10
One shot - costume.
Belgium
I'm thoroughly impressed by the a capella action going on here. I just can't seem to understand why the ladies are wearing one glove each. They aren't Michael Jackson. Or if they are, that's some trippy shit. And why is that guy, who is clearly over 30, wearing skinny jeans? And they said 'baby' at least sixteen times (and I may have missed a few). I mean the song's called 'With love baby', but still.
8.5/10
Seventeen shots - sixteen for saying the word 'baby', one for costume.
SEVENTEEN SHOTS!!!
Slovenia
They have a piano and a slow drummer - it's a downbeat entry. There is very impressive use of a wind machine - at last, someone's actually getting into the Eurovision spirit. The costumes are a bit ridiculous, although well designed for use in conjunction with a wind machine. It's a pity the singers are flat. There are, however, pyrotechnics, so there's some points there. Probably the eurotrashiest song yet.
Quick side note: BOOOOOOOBS. Honestly ladies. Keep them in your dresses.
8.25/10
Two shots - attempting to be serious, costume.
Ukraine
Cute postcard.
I'm very impressed by the sand art. It's like freaky amazing. But what's with the costume? The Ukraine have, as always, really outdone themselves. Feathers and lurid pleather. Unfortunately, not very good use of wind machines, which is odd for the Ukraine. Usually they capitalise well on such things. The use of a fog machine does however compensate somewhat.
8.75/10
One shot - costume.
Moldova
I'm liking the song. Not because it's good, but because it's so trashy that I can't help but love it. It's almost as good as the song 'Super DJ' by Russian pop-techno group 'Disco Accident'. But the costumes? This is the first double shot for costumes. Eek. There is however impressive usage of seizure inducing lights. I also quite like their custom brass instruments. Oh but wait, there's a monocle. That's another shot in itself.
8.75/10 (for the trashy factor)
Three shots - Costume, national dress, monocle.
Sweden
I like the postcard. The marching band in me just loves footage of parades. I also have a bit of a thing for vikings. Just saying...
Well. Male backup dancers. Now that's Eurovision. I'm not sure about the finished product though. I mean the microphone glove on the lead singer? It's just a bit... REALLY INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL (I couldn't think of a more PC way of saying that). He can dance, though. And the lights could cause the odd seizure.
8.25/10
Two shots - one for costume, one for the very well executed keychange.
Cyprus
I hear from the voice over that there's going to be 'traditional instruments'. That's a shot. There's fog. Cool. There's a chick in a ballgown. With crazy hair. There's another shot. Great music, though. Nice harmonies. Oh wait... Why is that chick now screaming and practising hammerthrow? And I'm also put off slightly by the whole leaning from side to side thing in the verses. Combined with the background art also moving from side to side, I feel as if I'm on a pitching ship. Good dance though.
9/10
Two shots - reasons set out above.
Bulgaria
I feel as if they mugged a young David Bowie for these costumes. They're also a bit... white. The costumes that is. They could really benefit from a wind machine. Good use of fire, however.
8/10
Two shots - keychange, costume.
FYP Macedonia
This song is incredibly beige. And that girl in the backup dancers is camera-whoring WAY too much. If ever there was a song which was just SCREAMING for a modulation, it was this one, but the key stays the same throughout. UNIMPRESSED.
6.75/10
One shot - national dress.
Israel
A transsexual. There's a shot. The song's called 'Ding Dong'. There's a shot. Moving on, the singers are a bit aurally mushy (crap diction), and they're all singing a bit too high for their voice types. The hebrew/english fusion is a bit confusing, but that's because I keep translating in my head. Decently rousing keychange, but the lights could have been more strobe-y. And there could have been a wind machine.
7.5/10
Three shots - another for the fact that the dress makes the singer look a bit like a lizard.
Slovenia
Her voice is passable, but the dominatrix costume is a bit... unnecessary. There's a shot in those boots alone. Second use of a wind machine tonight, but under-capitalised.
7.5/10
One shot.
Romania
Very Human Nature. They're adorable, well dressed, and have a good keychange. And they're also really bland and unmemorable. Pity.
7/10
One shot.
Estonia
Cute postcard. Cute costume. Cute song, with nice use of a snare drum. I'm also liking the unison breakdancing. The buildings which form the backdrop actually look like downtown Tallin. It's a good pop song, but not really that Eurovision.
7.75/10
NO SHOTS. THIS IS WHY IT'S NOT THAT EUROVISION. IT'S COMPLETELY UN-CLICHÉD.
Belarus
'I Love Belarus'. Nice song title. Amazing pyrotechnics. Probably the best I've ever seen in Eurovision. Shot for the overtly political message. That's not going to stop me from downloading it and then sticing it on my ipod. Shot for the costumes. Shot for the amazingly well integrated keychange. AND THEN SHOT FOR THE EVEN BETTER ONE RIGHT AFTER IT!!! RESPECT!!
9.25/10
Four shots.
Latvia
Weird use of swivel stools. Passable wind machining, but not enough. And that weird chiffon stuff is just odd. As is the whole red/white/black colour scheme. And the falsetto? Really? Ick.
6.25/10 - it was that unmemorable.
One shot - costume.
Denmark
Shot for the song title. A Friend in London? Honestly. Shot for their hair. They're adorable enough as their quasi-boyband, but the lights aren't seizure inducing enough. Shot for the backless shirt on the lead singer. There really is no excuse.
8.75/10
Three shots.
Ireland
According to the voice overs, these guys are the second favourites to win the contest. We'll see. Shot for the Gaga appropriated costumes. Shot for the hair. Good use of fog machines. I also take back everythign I said before about Sweden. They were NOWHERE NEAR as overwhelmingly gay as this veritable fount of gay is turning out to be. BRAINSPLODE.
9/10
Three shots - there was a decent keychange.
And now, according to the creepy host guy, "fifteen minutes remain for woting"
So, according to my scores, the countries advancing to the final are, in order of appearance:
Belgium
Slovenia
Ukraine
Moldova
Sweden
Cyprus
Bulgaria
Belarus
Denmark
Ireland
Let's see how many I got correct.
But first, back to the hopelessness of that creepy host guy.
"Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Five. Five. Four." etc.
Host lady: Name two things that don't go together.
Creepy host guy: England and penalty shootouts. Germans and humour. Women and Technology.
Crowd: Did he just go there???
But anyway, now for my impressions of the Big Five, having seen a couple of seconds of their clips.
Spain: What on EARTH were they thinking? Yet another fail.
France: What a sex bomb. He's all brooding and operatic. YAY!!
Italy: I'm shaking my head in disappointment. Honestly.
UK: Muscly boy band. Like the Backstreet Boys, but less wimpy looking. This should be informative.
Germany: Weird. That's all I have to say. Weird.
And now the qualification according to Europe.
Estonia - that's 0 for 1 (I'll be using US football rankings here. It's easier.)
Romania - 0 for 2
Moldova - 1 for 2
Ireland - 2 for 2, and we do another shot
Bosnia & Herzegovina - 2 for 3
Denmark - 3 for 3
Austria - 3 for 4
Ukraine - 4 for 4
Slovenia - 5 for 4
Sweden - 6 for 4
That's an improvement on last year - back then I was only 4 for 6.
Quote from Julia (re: Sweden): Men holding each other in man love.
Quote from me (re: Sweden): We thought they were gay, but then we saw Ireland.
Another side note, cameraman 4 is so fired. He's been giving us closeups before it's announced. Sucks to be him :)
Stay tuned for the final, as well as semi 1 when I get around to watching it.
Until then...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Eurovision Final!!!
Today whilst at UNSW, I happened to see a Google news heading telling me who won. But I’ll save that for the end of the post. I would have found out from channel ten otherwise, anyway.
Eurovision kicked off with Alexander Rybak sawing through yet another violin bow. Good on him. I usually don’t really like violin music, but he plays with so much vim that I forgive him his instrument choice.
Azerbaijan kicked off the show. Their singer was marvellous at walking down flights of stairs. Her backup dancer was barefoot, which made the fact that he was wearing a shirt forgivable. 7/10
Spain, the first of the bankrolling nations. Generally Spain’s entry is weird. Really incredibly strange. This year was no change to that. The singer looked like Bob Dylan on speed, the backup dancers were abstract to the point of postmodernism, not to mention creepy like sad clowns. Although they did have the Eurovision equivalent of a streaker – someone who jumped onto the stage and had to be dragged off by security. The fact that they just went with it really speaks in Spain’s favour. Otherwise, it was still really weird and I didn’t like it. But that’s just me. >5/10
Norway – last year’s winner. The song started off slowly, which demonstrated that the singer is clearly an opera boy – can’t sign at anything below 100%. He is aesthetically pleasing though. The backup singers were clumped too closely together. Also, in my opinion, the song was chordally reminiscent of a Paul Jarman song. But that could just be because I’m a choir nerd. The guy from Norway improved after the key change. The pyrotechnics were tasteful, but I think they could have been bigger. 7.5/10
Moldova had an electric violin as part of their act. The violinist was on a spinning turnstile, which must have been a bit nauseating for him. There was some hardcore thrusting from the sax and two backup dancers. The singer looked like a cross between Gwen Stefani, P!nk, Madonna and Lady Gaga. I liked it though, because it was eurotrashy to the nth degree. I am a fan. 8.5/10
Cyprus again. Jon Lilygreen is going on the Hottie Wall in the year 12 study at st. G. This is because he is a welsh babe who can sing. I must however ask why the drummer bothered to sing if he wasn’t miked. I like the fact that instead of getting a guitar with built-in pickups, he just duct taped a mike to the inside of his guitar. He made it a design feature. Kudos to him.8.75/10
Bosnia and Herzegovina had a fog machine, but that’s where the good stuff ended. The singer looked like that guy from Coldplay spliced with that guy from Savage Garden. Not a fan of the stance used by all whilst they were singing. Costuming wasn’t marvellously eurotrash, no-one worked the wind machine. It was (for lack of better adjectives) very American. >5/10
Backstage: the man from Spain is less creepy when not in costume, and is playing Sky in Spain’s production of Mamma Mia. Armenia’s backup singers are rather good. Alexander Rybak has shaken Barak Obama’s hand. He is also a fan of Lena from Germany’s song ‘Satellites’. Alexander Rybak is such a babe.
Belgium. ‘Me and My Guitar’. He’s alright looking, and it’s a sweet enough song, but it’s a power ballad. It just doesn’t get me doing a little happy dance on my hospital bed with a laptop propped on one knee. And his falsetto sucks numerous male appendages. Including his own. He was however the first act to work the audience. It wasn’t much, but he was the first to do it. I would rate it higher, but his falsetto killed it for me. 6.5/10
Serbia’s lead singer is totally androgynous. He looks markedly like something Lady Gaga would dress up as, perhaps crossed with (I shudder to type it) Justin Beiber. The male backup dancers were a bit underwhelming. So was the song. And his singing. Maybe it’s the kind of thing the Balkans go for, but it didn’t float my boat. The costuming for the female backup singers was ridiculously strange. 6.5/10
FYI: due to Spain’s interruption, they will get to perform again at the end.
Also, the Aussie viewers got a hello from the hosts. I love it when we get recognised.
‘Butterflies’ from Belarus involved my second favourite costume reveal. My favourite was, of course, Lithuania, but this one wasn’t far off. The song was a power ballad, which didn’t dispose me toward them, but they’re all adept singers as long as they’re not having solos, in which they tended to suck. I was a fan of the fact that the women were wearing fully sequinned gowns. And then full sized butterfly wings popped out of the women’s gowns just in time for a key change. Marvy costumes, shitty solos. 7.5/10
Niamh Kavanaugh won Eurovision in 1993. The whistle player is her cousin, and also named Niamh Kavanaugh. She’s definitely improved from her semifinal performance. She must be feeling better. There’s something about her that just reminds me of Bette Midler. He audience went wild for the whistle player. Niamh’s [the singer’s] dress made her look like some kind of ocean spirit, although she made that look work for her. And although her use of the wind machine was understated, it was well placed.8/10
And now for my favourite song from semifinal 1: OPA! From the Greeks. Back were the open white shirts, tight white pants, manly dancing, manly tattooing, manly grunting at key points in the song: it was as manly and tasteful as ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’ is going to be. Namely incredibly and minimally respectively. I was also a massive fan of the guy with the stringed instrument, and the drums which shot fireworks from within them. The only problem was that the lead singer was about as attractive as the guys from ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’. 9.2/10
Then came Britain – a bankroller, so they were guaranteed a spot in the finals. An absolute babe – faintly reminiscent of Gaspard Ulleil in Hannibal Rising (apart from the singing. From what little we hear of Gaspard singing ‘Das Mantelein’, he was infinitely better), but…well… I shouldn’t be foreshadowing, but there’s a reason GB came last. Fun fact – the girl who represented Britain last year (and who also sucked) is now a Sugababe. But Josh was even flat on the last note. <5/10
Backstage: the Greeks have great arm muscles. Josh doesn’t look as good in profile as he does front on. Still a babe. He should go on the Hottie Wall.
Georgia is back from a year boycotting due to political shit-kicking with Russia. I’m still not a fan of the choreography, although the costuming is very Eurovision. She didn’t wind machine her hair enough, and she was sharp on the high notes. And it was a power ballad. And regardless of my dislike of the choreography, the backup dancers were fantastic. The only thing that saved it was the great pillars of fire at the end. 6.5/10
Turkey – the only country of my top three from Semi 2 to get into the finals. The drummer reminds me of the drummer from Rammstein. The drum part reminds me of Rammstein. The singer is the only man so far to work the wind machine. I remain a massive fan. This is like a musical cross between Linkin Park and Rammstein, with a touch of Marilyn Manson in the costuming. Brilliant flag dancing at the end. Still a massive fan. 9.25/10
Albania also began with an electric violin, but the violinist wasn’t as much of a babe as the one from Moldova. The signer looked a hell of a lot like Gwen Stefani crossed with Drew Barrymore. And the violinist was creepy to the max. The costuming of the lead singer was very Madonna. The song lyrics reminded me of ‘I Will Be Watching You’ by The Police. Namely, they were weird and stalkerish. 6.25/10
Iceland had a Björk, but not the one who wears dresses shaped like dead swans. This Björk has a good strong voice, and a dress which looks like it’s made for spinning around in circles like a lunatic. It’s a pity she isn’t, because for whatever reason I just don’t love the song. 6.75/10
And then came the Ukraine. Those of you who read my rundown of the last semifinal will know that I didn’t think this was eurotrashy enough, especially when compared with last year’s entry. She can sing, and she can use a wind machine as if she was born in the windstream of one, but she wrote the song herself, and it’s not the most marvellous song I’ve ever experienced. I did however like the electric guitar part. Probably because it really reminds me of Metallica. 6.75/10
And then came France. This song reminds me of Art vs. Science’s ‘Parlez-vous Français?’. It’s France’s theme music for the world cup. I love the dancing, the costuming, and the song itself. It’s making me dance along as I sit and type on my hospital bed like the blog nerd that I am. The French know what the audience want: catchy scat lyrics, and plenty of booty shakin’. There were minor pyrotechnic explosions in the background throughout the song. I only give this more points than Turkey because it’s more catchy, and after all that’s what Eurovision’s about: catchiness, not good metal. 9.5/10
Romania again had the conjoined electric pianos, but they were counteracted by the fact that the female lead singer looked like white Michael Jackson. The music was good, the song was shit. The costuming was tacky in a bad way, not in the good Eurovisual way. The lead female still had a fantastic opera voice, but it didn’t fit with the rest of the song. But the pyrotechnics at the end were good. 7/10
Russia’s band became famous on YouTube. Unfortunately, they look as if the fall of communism was somehow cruel to them: they just look a bit pathetic (both in the pathos inducing sense and the more commonly used sense). The acoustic guitarist looked a hell of a lot like Johnny Depp. The harmonies were marvellous. The words were incoherent. They were all really hairy. This lead singer had good falsetto. And he could work a wind machine and still seem slightly manly. 7.75/10
And now for Armenia. Again, her chest resides where her sphenoid bone ought to be. Apparently she’s the tallest performer tonight. She’s a good singer, the backup dancer is good, the backup instrumentalists were also good. The lyrics are however completely ridiculous. I do like the tune though. It’s nicely catchy. Set design was impressive, especially the tree emerging from the stone in the background. The best executed key change so far in my opinion, although as soon as the modulation had finished, the quality of the song rapidly decreased. 8/10
And then Satellites, from Lena. She sounds a hell of a lot like Missy Higgins, but it works for her. She looked a bit emo in the costume she happened to be wearing, but again, it worked for her. The song made me dance on the bed, it’s nicely catchy. I really like this song. A lot. I actually liked this equally to Turkey’s entry, but she was more Eurovisual. 9.3/10
Portugal’s entry was in Portugese. And it was a power ballad. And although their singer was in a lovely gown, she wasn’t great at singing. She’s also failed to remember that apart from Serbia in (I think it was) 2007, no-one has ever won with a song that isn’t in English. And even if I didn’t know who the winner is, I wouldn’t think they’d be the second nation to win with a non-anglophonic song. 5/10
Another power ballad from Israel. I didn’t like this song when it was on on Saturday, and I didn’t like it tonight. >5/10
Now for Denmark, which not only sounded like The Police, but had a lead male who looked like he was part of The Police. Frankly, I’d rather be playing ‘Little Lion Man’ on the Ukulele. And thus I am. 6/10
Spain performed again. I didn’t like it any more or less than the first time. Thus my opinion is unchanged.
Norwegian Josh Thomas pulled off his jacket to reveal something lime green and velvet with giant sequins on it. What the expletive?
So: my rankings for the night.
1. France
2. Germany
3. Turkey
4. Greece
5. Cyprus
6. Moldova
7. Armenia; Ireland
8. Russia
9. Belarus; Norway
10. Azerbaijan; Romania
11. Iceland; Ukraine
12. Belgium; Georgia; Serbia
13. Albania
14. Denmark
15. Portugal
16. Bosnia and Herzegovina; Great Britain; Israel; Spain
Whilst votes were being tallied, audiences across Europe danced. As the rappers made their way through the audience, we got to see a security guy manhandle screaming fans out of the way in Oslo. I lolled.
We got to watch footage of audiences around Europe dancing. It was actually quite cool. Streets full of people dancing in unison. Notable nations were Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Ireland, Lithuania. Kudos to them.
And then us peeps at home were taught the dance. I danced along. It was fun.
A few moments later we saw the hosts again…but they were wearing different clothing. That was quick. And now Norwegian Josh Thomas is wearing a pair of butterfly wings. He is my hero.
And on to the revelation of the results. And lo, Svante appeared on high to the soundtrack of something reminiscent of Vangelis. Svante is the supreme lord god king supervisor of Eurovision.
The results: the three big points sets.
Romania: 8-Turkey; 10-Moldavia; 12-Denmark.
Ireland: 8-Germany; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Germany: 8-Greece; 10-Turkey; 12-Belgium.
Serbia: 8-Germany; 10-Greece; 12-Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Albania: 8-Turkey; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
Turkey: 8-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 10-Germany; 12-Azerbaijan.
Croatia: 8-Serbia; 10-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 12-Turkey.
At the moment, Belarus is the only nation to still be on no points.
Poland: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Serbia.
Belarus is still sitting on a duck.
Finland:8-France; 10-Israel; 12-Germany.
Germany leads with a nice buffer. France isn’t doing as well as I would have thought.
Slovenia: 8-Serbia; 10-Germany; 12-Denmark.
Belarus still has nothing, and Denmark is really doing well. Clearly Europe liked The Police.
Estonia: 8-Georgia; 10-Russia; 12-Germany.
Russia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Georgia; 12-Armenia.
Belarus is finally off zero, on two points. But I know they won’t lose, so it’s all good.
Portugal: 8-Greece; 10-Romania; 12-Spain.
Germany has a buffer of almost 40 points. Still piddly compared to how well Alexander went last year.
Azerbaijan: 8-Georgia; 10-Ukraine; 12-Turkey.
The UK is currently on 7 points. They’ll only get to 10.
Greece: 8-France; 10-Albania; 12-Cyprus.
Iceland: 8-Greece; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Denmark: 8-Romania; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Belgium has overtaken Turkey. GB is doing surprisingly well (relatively). They’ll slip.
France: 8-Portugal; 10-Serbia; 12-Turkey.
Spain: 8-Armenia; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Belarus is stuck on 2. They’ll get there.
Slovakia: 8-Israel; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Bulgaria: 8-Armenia; 10-Turkey; 12-Azerbaijan.
Belarus is on 3 now. They’re movin’ on up.
Ukraine: 8-Turkey; 10-Russia; 12-Azerbaijan.
Latvia: 8-Russia; 10-Denmark; 12-Germany.
Ireland is on six points. It’s behind the UK at the moment. Belarus still languishing on three.
Malta: 8-Denmark; 10-Belgium; 12-Azerbaijan.
Norway: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Cyprus: 8-Romania; 10-Azerbaijan; 12-Greece.
UK, Ireland and Belarus are the only nations stuck on single figures. It’s moments like this that I miss the British commentator SBS used to use. He always had pithy comments to make about Britain’s pathetic performance.
Lithuania: 8-Spain; 10-Germany; 12-Georgia.
Belarus: 8-Israel; 10-Ukraine; 12-Russia.
Switzerland: 8-Albania; 10-Serbia; 12-Germany.
Ireland got six points and is finally into the realms of double digits. Come on Belarus. You can do it.
Belgium: 8-Iceland; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
UK: 8-Romania; 10-Turkey; 12-Greece.
“And thankyou to those of you who did vote for us.” That says it all.
The Netherlands: 8-Turkey; 10-Israel; 12-Armenia.
Israel: 8-Romania; 10-Russia; 12-Armenia.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Albania.
COME ON BELARUS. SURELY WIKI DIDN’T LIE TO ME!!!
Moldova: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Romania.
Belarus is up to six points. Time is running out. Come on Wiki, don’t fail me now.
Georgia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Armenia; 12-Belarus.
YESSS! GB GOT THEMSELVES TO 10, AND BELARUS GOT THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!
Sweden: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Armenia: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Georgia.
From about halfway, it became mathematically certain that Germany would win. Good for Lena. I liked her song. Not as much as France’s or Turkey’s; but such is life. Eurovision 2011 will be in Berlin. Or Hamburg, if you look at the mass outdoor screenings across Germany.
My, my. Lena mildly pashed Alexander. As Lena talked to the hosts, she had a small army of roadies attaching mikes to her for her winner’s performance.
And there it was. Eurovision 2010.
Eurovision kicked off with Alexander Rybak sawing through yet another violin bow. Good on him. I usually don’t really like violin music, but he plays with so much vim that I forgive him his instrument choice.
Azerbaijan kicked off the show. Their singer was marvellous at walking down flights of stairs. Her backup dancer was barefoot, which made the fact that he was wearing a shirt forgivable. 7/10
Spain, the first of the bankrolling nations. Generally Spain’s entry is weird. Really incredibly strange. This year was no change to that. The singer looked like Bob Dylan on speed, the backup dancers were abstract to the point of postmodernism, not to mention creepy like sad clowns. Although they did have the Eurovision equivalent of a streaker – someone who jumped onto the stage and had to be dragged off by security. The fact that they just went with it really speaks in Spain’s favour. Otherwise, it was still really weird and I didn’t like it. But that’s just me. >5/10
Norway – last year’s winner. The song started off slowly, which demonstrated that the singer is clearly an opera boy – can’t sign at anything below 100%. He is aesthetically pleasing though. The backup singers were clumped too closely together. Also, in my opinion, the song was chordally reminiscent of a Paul Jarman song. But that could just be because I’m a choir nerd. The guy from Norway improved after the key change. The pyrotechnics were tasteful, but I think they could have been bigger. 7.5/10
Moldova had an electric violin as part of their act. The violinist was on a spinning turnstile, which must have been a bit nauseating for him. There was some hardcore thrusting from the sax and two backup dancers. The singer looked like a cross between Gwen Stefani, P!nk, Madonna and Lady Gaga. I liked it though, because it was eurotrashy to the nth degree. I am a fan. 8.5/10
Cyprus again. Jon Lilygreen is going on the Hottie Wall in the year 12 study at st. G. This is because he is a welsh babe who can sing. I must however ask why the drummer bothered to sing if he wasn’t miked. I like the fact that instead of getting a guitar with built-in pickups, he just duct taped a mike to the inside of his guitar. He made it a design feature. Kudos to him.8.75/10
Bosnia and Herzegovina had a fog machine, but that’s where the good stuff ended. The singer looked like that guy from Coldplay spliced with that guy from Savage Garden. Not a fan of the stance used by all whilst they were singing. Costuming wasn’t marvellously eurotrash, no-one worked the wind machine. It was (for lack of better adjectives) very American. >5/10
Backstage: the man from Spain is less creepy when not in costume, and is playing Sky in Spain’s production of Mamma Mia. Armenia’s backup singers are rather good. Alexander Rybak has shaken Barak Obama’s hand. He is also a fan of Lena from Germany’s song ‘Satellites’. Alexander Rybak is such a babe.
Belgium. ‘Me and My Guitar’. He’s alright looking, and it’s a sweet enough song, but it’s a power ballad. It just doesn’t get me doing a little happy dance on my hospital bed with a laptop propped on one knee. And his falsetto sucks numerous male appendages. Including his own. He was however the first act to work the audience. It wasn’t much, but he was the first to do it. I would rate it higher, but his falsetto killed it for me. 6.5/10
Serbia’s lead singer is totally androgynous. He looks markedly like something Lady Gaga would dress up as, perhaps crossed with (I shudder to type it) Justin Beiber
FYI: due to Spain’s interruption, they will get to perform again at the end.
Also, the Aussie viewers got a hello from the hosts. I love it when we get recognised.
‘Butterflies’ from Belarus involved my second favourite costume reveal. My favourite was, of course, Lithuania, but this one wasn’t far off. The song was a power ballad, which didn’t dispose me toward them, but they’re all adept singers as long as they’re not having solos, in which they tended to suck. I was a fan of the fact that the women were wearing fully sequinned gowns. And then full sized butterfly wings popped out of the women’s gowns just in time for a key change. Marvy costumes, shitty solos. 7.5/10
Niamh Kavanaugh won Eurovision in 1993. The whistle player is her cousin, and also named Niamh Kavanaugh. She’s definitely improved from her semifinal performance. She must be feeling better. There’s something about her that just reminds me of Bette Midler. He audience went wild for the whistle player. Niamh’s [the singer’s] dress made her look like some kind of ocean spirit, although she made that look work for her. And although her use of the wind machine was understated, it was well placed.8/10
And now for my favourite song from semifinal 1: OPA! From the Greeks. Back were the open white shirts, tight white pants, manly dancing, manly tattooing, manly grunting at key points in the song: it was as manly and tasteful as ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’ is going to be. Namely incredibly and minimally respectively. I was also a massive fan of the guy with the stringed instrument, and the drums which shot fireworks from within them. The only problem was that the lead singer was about as attractive as the guys from ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’. 9.2/10
Then came Britain – a bankroller, so they were guaranteed a spot in the finals. An absolute babe – faintly reminiscent of Gaspard Ulleil in Hannibal Rising (apart from the singing. From what little we hear of Gaspard singing ‘Das Mantelein’, he was infinitely better), but…well… I shouldn’t be foreshadowing, but there’s a reason GB came last. Fun fact – the girl who represented Britain last year (and who also sucked) is now a Sugababe. But Josh was even flat on the last note. <5/10
Backstage: the Greeks have great arm muscles. Josh doesn’t look as good in profile as he does front on. Still a babe. He should go on the Hottie Wall.
Georgia is back from a year boycotting due to political shit-kicking with Russia. I’m still not a fan of the choreography, although the costuming is very Eurovision. She didn’t wind machine her hair enough, and she was sharp on the high notes. And it was a power ballad. And regardless of my dislike of the choreography, the backup dancers were fantastic. The only thing that saved it was the great pillars of fire at the end. 6.5/10
Turkey – the only country of my top three from Semi 2 to get into the finals. The drummer reminds me of the drummer from Rammstein. The drum part reminds me of Rammstein. The singer is the only man so far to work the wind machine. I remain a massive fan. This is like a musical cross between Linkin Park and Rammstein, with a touch of Marilyn Manson in the costuming. Brilliant flag dancing at the end. Still a massive fan. 9.25/10
Albania also began with an electric violin, but the violinist wasn’t as much of a babe as the one from Moldova. The signer looked a hell of a lot like Gwen Stefani crossed with Drew Barrymore. And the violinist was creepy to the max. The costuming of the lead singer was very Madonna. The song lyrics reminded me of ‘I Will Be Watching You’ by The Police. Namely, they were weird and stalkerish. 6.25/10
Iceland had a Björk, but not the one who wears dresses shaped like dead swans. This Björk has a good strong voice, and a dress which looks like it’s made for spinning around in circles like a lunatic. It’s a pity she isn’t, because for whatever reason I just don’t love the song. 6.75/10
And then came the Ukraine. Those of you who read my rundown of the last semifinal will know that I didn’t think this was eurotrashy enough, especially when compared with last year’s entry. She can sing, and she can use a wind machine as if she was born in the windstream of one, but she wrote the song herself, and it’s not the most marvellous song I’ve ever experienced. I did however like the electric guitar part. Probably because it really reminds me of Metallica. 6.75/10
And then came France. This song reminds me of Art vs. Science’s ‘Parlez-vous Français?’. It’s France’s theme music for the world cup. I love the dancing, the costuming, and the song itself. It’s making me dance along as I sit and type on my hospital bed like the blog nerd that I am. The French know what the audience want: catchy scat lyrics, and plenty of booty shakin’. There were minor pyrotechnic explosions in the background throughout the song. I only give this more points than Turkey because it’s more catchy, and after all that’s what Eurovision’s about: catchiness, not good metal. 9.5/10
Romania again had the conjoined electric pianos, but they were counteracted by the fact that the female lead singer looked like white Michael Jackson. The music was good, the song was shit. The costuming was tacky in a bad way, not in the good Eurovisual way. The lead female still had a fantastic opera voice, but it didn’t fit with the rest of the song. But the pyrotechnics at the end were good. 7/10
Russia’s band became famous on YouTube. Unfortunately, they look as if the fall of communism was somehow cruel to them: they just look a bit pathetic (both in the pathos inducing sense and the more commonly used sense). The acoustic guitarist looked a hell of a lot like Johnny Depp. The harmonies were marvellous. The words were incoherent. They were all really hairy. This lead singer had good falsetto. And he could work a wind machine and still seem slightly manly. 7.75/10
And now for Armenia. Again, her chest resides where her sphenoid bone ought to be. Apparently she’s the tallest performer tonight. She’s a good singer, the backup dancer is good, the backup instrumentalists were also good. The lyrics are however completely ridiculous. I do like the tune though. It’s nicely catchy. Set design was impressive, especially the tree emerging from the stone in the background. The best executed key change so far in my opinion, although as soon as the modulation had finished, the quality of the song rapidly decreased. 8/10
And then Satellites, from Lena. She sounds a hell of a lot like Missy Higgins, but it works for her. She looked a bit emo in the costume she happened to be wearing, but again, it worked for her. The song made me dance on the bed, it’s nicely catchy. I really like this song. A lot. I actually liked this equally to Turkey’s entry, but she was more Eurovisual. 9.3/10
Portugal’s entry was in Portugese. And it was a power ballad. And although their singer was in a lovely gown, she wasn’t great at singing. She’s also failed to remember that apart from Serbia in (I think it was) 2007, no-one has ever won with a song that isn’t in English. And even if I didn’t know who the winner is, I wouldn’t think they’d be the second nation to win with a non-anglophonic song. 5/10
Another power ballad from Israel. I didn’t like this song when it was on on Saturday, and I didn’t like it tonight. >5/10
Now for Denmark, which not only sounded like The Police, but had a lead male who looked like he was part of The Police. Frankly, I’d rather be playing ‘Little Lion Man’ on the Ukulele. And thus I am. 6/10
Spain performed again. I didn’t like it any more or less than the first time. Thus my opinion is unchanged.
Norwegian Josh Thomas pulled off his jacket to reveal something lime green and velvet with giant sequins on it. What the expletive?
So: my rankings for the night.
1. France
2. Germany
3. Turkey
4. Greece
5. Cyprus
6. Moldova
7. Armenia; Ireland
8. Russia
9. Belarus; Norway
10. Azerbaijan; Romania
11. Iceland; Ukraine
12. Belgium; Georgia; Serbia
13. Albania
14. Denmark
15. Portugal
16. Bosnia and Herzegovina; Great Britain; Israel; Spain
Whilst votes were being tallied, audiences across Europe danced. As the rappers made their way through the audience, we got to see a security guy manhandle screaming fans out of the way in Oslo. I lolled.
We got to watch footage of audiences around Europe dancing. It was actually quite cool. Streets full of people dancing in unison. Notable nations were Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Ireland, Lithuania. Kudos to them.
And then us peeps at home were taught the dance. I danced along. It was fun.
A few moments later we saw the hosts again…but they were wearing different clothing. That was quick. And now Norwegian Josh Thomas is wearing a pair of butterfly wings. He is my hero.
And on to the revelation of the results. And lo, Svante appeared on high to the soundtrack of something reminiscent of Vangelis. Svante is the supreme lord god king supervisor of Eurovision.
The results: the three big points sets.
Romania: 8-Turkey; 10-Moldavia; 12-Denmark.
Ireland: 8-Germany; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Germany: 8-Greece; 10-Turkey; 12-Belgium.
Serbia: 8-Germany; 10-Greece; 12-Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Albania: 8-Turkey; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
Turkey: 8-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 10-Germany; 12-Azerbaijan.
Croatia: 8-Serbia; 10-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 12-Turkey.
At the moment, Belarus is the only nation to still be on no points.
Poland: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Serbia.
Belarus is still sitting on a duck.
Finland:8-France; 10-Israel; 12-Germany.
Germany leads with a nice buffer. France isn’t doing as well as I would have thought.
Slovenia: 8-Serbia; 10-Germany; 12-Denmark.
Belarus still has nothing, and Denmark is really doing well. Clearly Europe liked The Police.
Estonia: 8-Georgia; 10-Russia; 12-Germany.
Russia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Georgia; 12-Armenia.
Belarus is finally off zero, on two points. But I know they won’t lose, so it’s all good.
Portugal: 8-Greece; 10-Romania; 12-Spain.
Germany has a buffer of almost 40 points. Still piddly compared to how well Alexander went last year.
Azerbaijan: 8-Georgia; 10-Ukraine; 12-Turkey.
The UK is currently on 7 points. They’ll only get to 10.
Greece: 8-France; 10-Albania; 12-Cyprus.
Iceland: 8-Greece; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Denmark: 8-Romania; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Belgium has overtaken Turkey. GB is doing surprisingly well (relatively). They’ll slip.
France: 8-Portugal; 10-Serbia; 12-Turkey.
Spain: 8-Armenia; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Belarus is stuck on 2. They’ll get there.
Slovakia: 8-Israel; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Bulgaria: 8-Armenia; 10-Turkey; 12-Azerbaijan.
Belarus is on 3 now. They’re movin’ on up.
Ukraine: 8-Turkey; 10-Russia; 12-Azerbaijan.
Latvia: 8-Russia; 10-Denmark; 12-Germany.
Ireland is on six points. It’s behind the UK at the moment. Belarus still languishing on three.
Malta: 8-Denmark; 10-Belgium; 12-Azerbaijan.
Norway: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Cyprus: 8-Romania; 10-Azerbaijan; 12-Greece.
UK, Ireland and Belarus are the only nations stuck on single figures. It’s moments like this that I miss the British commentator SBS used to use. He always had pithy comments to make about Britain’s pathetic performance.
Lithuania: 8-Spain; 10-Germany; 12-Georgia.
Belarus: 8-Israel; 10-Ukraine; 12-Russia.
Switzerland: 8-Albania; 10-Serbia; 12-Germany.
Ireland got six points and is finally into the realms of double digits. Come on Belarus. You can do it.
Belgium: 8-Iceland; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
UK: 8-Romania; 10-Turkey; 12-Greece.
“And thankyou to those of you who did vote for us.” That says it all.
The Netherlands: 8-Turkey; 10-Israel; 12-Armenia.
Israel: 8-Romania; 10-Russia; 12-Armenia.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Albania.
COME ON BELARUS. SURELY WIKI DIDN’T LIE TO ME!!!
Moldova: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Romania.
Belarus is up to six points. Time is running out. Come on Wiki, don’t fail me now.
Georgia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Armenia; 12-Belarus.
YESSS! GB GOT THEMSELVES TO 10, AND BELARUS GOT THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!
Sweden: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Armenia: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Georgia.
From about halfway, it became mathematically certain that Germany would win. Good for Lena. I liked her song. Not as much as France’s or Turkey’s; but such is life. Eurovision 2011 will be in Berlin. Or Hamburg, if you look at the mass outdoor screenings across Germany.
My, my. Lena mildly pashed Alexander. As Lena talked to the hosts, she had a small army of roadies attaching mikes to her for her winner’s performance.
And there it was. Eurovision 2010.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Eurovision. Semifinal 2
The Eurovision song contest is on at the moment.
I watched the first semi-final on Friday. I was underwhelmed. Nowhere was there something ridiculously tacky and thus brilliant. There were far too many power ballads.
No, I lie. Greece, with their almost shirtless male acrobatics was so tacky I loved it. And whichever country did the song ‘Butterfly’ was marvellously sequinned.
But seriously, people, this is Eurovision, not Australian bloody Idol. Ballads = bad. Wind machines, sequins and shirtless men = good.
I watched semi-final two last night.
The first song, Lithuania, summed up what Eurovision should be: a catchy song, coupled with male stripping and sequins. Watch it on youtube. It was brilliant.
Armenia was ridiculous, if you were to listen to the lyrics themselves. But that having been said, it was an alright song, and by god they costumed in the spirit of Eurovision. The chest of the lead singer was residing somewhere in the vicinity of her sinus cavity or Sphenoid bone.
Israel’s guy had nice hair, but wasn’t the world’s greatest singer.
Song number four, Denmark, was unremarkable but for the fact that it not only sounded markedly similar to the kind of music put out by The Police, the costuming looked like something off a Police music video.
Switzerland, with song number five, made good use of the prerequisite wind machine. Their song was also rather pop-like, but there wasn’t enough male stripping.
After an ad break, there was another one of those bits where the Aussie commentators talk to the competitors. As it turns out, the guys from Lithuania are all straight. Go figure. Also, as it turns out, Julia Zemiro owns a pair of those shorts. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you clearly haven’t watched Lithuania’s song.
Sweden did well when it came to distributing glowsticks. Unfortunately, that’s where the good work ended. Eurovision it was not. It was another power ballad. The glowsticks were (I’m sorry to say) unwarranted. Cold Chisel it wasn’t. Their singer couldn’t even work the wind machine. Her hair barely moved throughout the song. This is Eurovision! I want to see hair blowing as if there are gale force winds blowing. I don’t care about how well your dress billows in the wind. I want hair in a wind tunnel.
Azerbaijan. What can I say? She was dressed appropriately (i.e. like a drag queen). Her backup singers weren’t. They just looked like high class hookers. The male dancer was wearing too much clothing, and wasn’t very good anyway. And it was another power ballad. That having been said, I was a fan of the LED lights in the dress.
Last year’s entry by the Ukraine involved a woman from a band called Viagra and a bunch of men wearing skimpy skirts and little else. This year’s entry was tasteful. And thus boring as all hell. Where’s the woman dancing suggestively with scantily clad Spartacus look-alikes? You may ask. I’ll tell you. They’re gone. Although I congratulate her on her brilliant use of a wind machine. She knows how to work that breeze, and she works it hard.
The Netherlands’ entry. Costuming was in the spirit of Eurovision. The fact that the song was written by the guy who was the voice of Papa Smurf was in the spirit of Eurovision. The set design was very much in the spirit of Eurovision. The song, in my opinion, was far too reminiscent of ABBA. It’s actually creepy. You could superimpose any ABBA lyrics on top of that song, and it would work. Thus, something which could have been brilliant in my opinion lost its brilliance because the premise has been done before.
Romania had a pair of conjoined electric pianos. It had lead singers who exemplified everything wrong with capitalist music. The woman really looked like Michael Jackson once he was white. The guy had a vein pulsating in his forehead as he sang. It was a crap song, but by Jove did they get into the spirit of it all. And as it turns out, the woman has a wonderful opera voice. She can’t sing pop for shit, but her opera voice is fantastic.
Popular folk rock. It’s a fusion between folk music and rock. It involves traditional costumes, ham acting and a piano accordion. I like. I like a lot. And the girl from Slovenia really looked like Rachel Bilson. The fusioning didn’t really work. The rock was alright, and the folk was alright, but they didn’t gel well. It was weird. The rock guys looked like a washed up Brit-punk band from the nineties would if it had been abducted by the Al-Qasam brigades.
Then came the Irish. Their singer won Eurovision in 1993. She didn’t age well. She can sing (she was a touch flat at times, but apparently she was a bit sick on the day, so I’ll forgive her), but it was a power ballad. The flute player was good. Fun fact: the television channel which broadcasts Eurovision isn’t allowed to charge for the broadcast. Ireland won three years in a row, and it almost bankrupted their national television channel.
Bulgaria. Scantily clad men and women, all covered in body glitter. The song was good – not amazing but good, but let’s focus on what’s important: they were wearing silver and were covered in glitter. the male backup dancers were also very good. At dancing. And being covered in glitter. The women…well they couldn’t dance for shit, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what they were chosen for. Sarah phoned me and expressed her love of Bulgaria’s song. She thinks they should win with that.
Cyprus’ song is sung by a Welshman, the musicians are from Scotland, Norway and Cyprus, but who’s judging. Me. That’s who. I’m judging. Not to be a bitch, but apart from the lead singer, who isn’t even a Cypriot, they lack the sheer cuteness necessary to win the song contest. And I’m so sick and tired of the bloody power ballads.
Another spate of talkies with the hosts. The Welsh lead singer was a babe. And he had the most adorable accent. A 22 year old Welsh babe with an adorable accent.
Sam Pak consistently refers to the male host as ‘Norwegian Josh Thomas’.
Croatia’s song is performed by a band called Feminem. There is however an acute lack of rap. It’s another mother expletiving power ballad. The women aren’t even using the wind machine. They’re all reasonably adept dancers, especially when their ridiculous costuming is taken into account, but their hair and dresses are screaming out for a wing machine. Absolutely begging for it. BUT THEY’RE NOT MAKING USE OF IT.
Georgia’s entry is a touch postmodern for my liking. But they at least subscribe to the Eurovision mores of men in white pants and open jackets without a shirt, dancing barefoot. But the song ended with massive pillars of fire, so I approve.
Now that I’ve mentioned lack of footwear, a hell of a lot of the performers have been barefoot for their performances. I don’t really see why. Maybe they’re trying to make a point.
From the first moment of Turkey’s performance, I loved it. There’s metal undertones, combined with exemplary wind machine usage. Strobe lights. Someone dressed up as a Samurai soldier. Quasi-rap in a manner akin to Linkin Park. Someone else, dressed as the love child which would be produced if a female PowerRanger and The Stig were to breed. Quite possibly my favourite song of the night. Definitely top three.
And as it turns out, Norwegian Josh Thomas also has a pair of those sequinned hot pants. Seriously. Watch the video. It’s brilliant to the max.
Also, all Julia can say in Hebrew is Habonim. Failq on her part.
And the host talked to the two Australian people in the audience. Who’d have thunk there would be Aussies, and who’d have thunk the hosts would have sought them out.
They also once again pulled out the tiny lookalikes of the hosts, dressed in the same clothing, to be adorable while explaining the minimum age clause.
We also got a peek of the songs which auto-qualified for the finals (the bankroller nations and the host nation). I quite like the look of France and Germany’s entries. But more of that once I’ve watched the finals.
My favourite ten of the night were (in order of performance):
Lithuania
Armenia
Denmark
Switzerland
Romania
Slovenia
Bulgaria
Cyprus (but only because of their hot singer)
Georgia
Turkey
The ten who qualified were (in the order in which they were revealed):
Georgia
Ukraine
Turkey
Israel
Ireland
Cyprus
Azerbaijan
Romania
Armenia
Denmark
The percentage of my top ten who were in Europe’s top ten:
40%
DEAR GOD, EUROPE. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FUCKED UP SO GREATLY????????? WHERE WERE THE LITHUANIAN STRIPPERS? THE SPARKLY BULGARIANS?
I am unimpressed. Of my three favourite acts, two didn’t make it. I am unimpressed, Europe. I am unimpressed.
I will however get the videos of the songs I liked, so that I can preserve the brilliance for posterity, even if the rest of Europe disagrees.
I watched the first semi-final on Friday. I was underwhelmed. Nowhere was there something ridiculously tacky and thus brilliant. There were far too many power ballads.
No, I lie. Greece, with their almost shirtless male acrobatics was so tacky I loved it. And whichever country did the song ‘Butterfly’ was marvellously sequinned.
But seriously, people, this is Eurovision, not Australian bloody Idol. Ballads = bad. Wind machines, sequins and shirtless men = good.
I watched semi-final two last night.
The first song, Lithuania, summed up what Eurovision should be: a catchy song, coupled with male stripping and sequins. Watch it on youtube. It was brilliant.
Armenia was ridiculous, if you were to listen to the lyrics themselves. But that having been said, it was an alright song, and by god they costumed in the spirit of Eurovision. The chest of the lead singer was residing somewhere in the vicinity of her sinus cavity or Sphenoid bone.
Israel’s guy had nice hair, but wasn’t the world’s greatest singer.
Song number four, Denmark, was unremarkable but for the fact that it not only sounded markedly similar to the kind of music put out by The Police, the costuming looked like something off a Police music video.
Switzerland, with song number five, made good use of the prerequisite wind machine. Their song was also rather pop-like, but there wasn’t enough male stripping.
After an ad break, there was another one of those bits where the Aussie commentators talk to the competitors. As it turns out, the guys from Lithuania are all straight. Go figure. Also, as it turns out, Julia Zemiro owns a pair of those shorts. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you clearly haven’t watched Lithuania’s song.
Sweden did well when it came to distributing glowsticks. Unfortunately, that’s where the good work ended. Eurovision it was not. It was another power ballad. The glowsticks were (I’m sorry to say) unwarranted. Cold Chisel it wasn’t. Their singer couldn’t even work the wind machine. Her hair barely moved throughout the song. This is Eurovision! I want to see hair blowing as if there are gale force winds blowing. I don’t care about how well your dress billows in the wind. I want hair in a wind tunnel.
Azerbaijan. What can I say? She was dressed appropriately (i.e. like a drag queen). Her backup singers weren’t. They just looked like high class hookers. The male dancer was wearing too much clothing, and wasn’t very good anyway. And it was another power ballad. That having been said, I was a fan of the LED lights in the dress.
Last year’s entry by the Ukraine involved a woman from a band called Viagra and a bunch of men wearing skimpy skirts and little else. This year’s entry was tasteful. And thus boring as all hell. Where’s the woman dancing suggestively with scantily clad Spartacus look-alikes? You may ask. I’ll tell you. They’re gone. Although I congratulate her on her brilliant use of a wind machine. She knows how to work that breeze, and she works it hard.
The Netherlands’ entry. Costuming was in the spirit of Eurovision. The fact that the song was written by the guy who was the voice of Papa Smurf was in the spirit of Eurovision. The set design was very much in the spirit of Eurovision. The song, in my opinion, was far too reminiscent of ABBA. It’s actually creepy. You could superimpose any ABBA lyrics on top of that song, and it would work. Thus, something which could have been brilliant in my opinion lost its brilliance because the premise has been done before.
Romania had a pair of conjoined electric pianos. It had lead singers who exemplified everything wrong with capitalist music. The woman really looked like Michael Jackson once he was white. The guy had a vein pulsating in his forehead as he sang. It was a crap song, but by Jove did they get into the spirit of it all. And as it turns out, the woman has a wonderful opera voice. She can’t sing pop for shit, but her opera voice is fantastic.
Popular folk rock. It’s a fusion between folk music and rock. It involves traditional costumes, ham acting and a piano accordion. I like. I like a lot. And the girl from Slovenia really looked like Rachel Bilson. The fusioning didn’t really work. The rock was alright, and the folk was alright, but they didn’t gel well. It was weird. The rock guys looked like a washed up Brit-punk band from the nineties would if it had been abducted by the Al-Qasam brigades.
Then came the Irish. Their singer won Eurovision in 1993. She didn’t age well. She can sing (she was a touch flat at times, but apparently she was a bit sick on the day, so I’ll forgive her), but it was a power ballad. The flute player was good. Fun fact: the television channel which broadcasts Eurovision isn’t allowed to charge for the broadcast. Ireland won three years in a row, and it almost bankrupted their national television channel.
Bulgaria. Scantily clad men and women, all covered in body glitter. The song was good – not amazing but good, but let’s focus on what’s important: they were wearing silver and were covered in glitter.
Cyprus’ song is sung by a Welshman, the musicians are from Scotland, Norway and Cyprus, but who’s judging. Me. That’s who. I’m judging. Not to be a bitch, but apart from the lead singer, who isn’t even a Cypriot, they lack the sheer cuteness necessary to win the song contest. And I’m so sick and tired of the bloody power ballads.
Another spate of talkies with the hosts. The Welsh lead singer was a babe. And he had the most adorable accent. A 22 year old Welsh babe with an adorable accent.
Sam Pak consistently refers to the male host as ‘Norwegian Josh Thomas’.
Croatia’s song is performed by a band called Feminem. There is however an acute lack of rap. It’s another mother expletiving power ballad. The women aren’t even using the wind machine. They’re all reasonably adept dancers, especially when their ridiculous costuming is taken into account, but their hair and dresses are screaming out for a wing machine. Absolutely begging for it. BUT THEY’RE NOT MAKING USE OF IT.
Georgia’s entry is a touch postmodern for my liking. But they at least subscribe to the Eurovision mores of men in white pants and open jackets without a shirt, dancing barefoot. But the song ended with massive pillars of fire, so I approve.
Now that I’ve mentioned lack of footwear, a hell of a lot of the performers have been barefoot for their performances. I don’t really see why. Maybe they’re trying to make a point.
From the first moment of Turkey’s performance, I loved it. There’s metal undertones, combined with exemplary wind machine usage. Strobe lights. Someone dressed up as a Samurai soldier. Quasi-rap in a manner akin to Linkin Park. Someone else, dressed as the love child which would be produced if a female PowerRanger and The Stig were to breed. Quite possibly my favourite song of the night. Definitely top three.
And as it turns out, Norwegian Josh Thomas also has a pair of those sequinned hot pants. Seriously. Watch the video. It’s brilliant to the max.
Also, all Julia can say in Hebrew is Habonim. Failq on her part.
And the host talked to the two Australian people in the audience. Who’d have thunk there would be Aussies, and who’d have thunk the hosts would have sought them out.
They also once again pulled out the tiny lookalikes of the hosts, dressed in the same clothing, to be adorable while explaining the minimum age clause.
We also got a peek of the songs which auto-qualified for the finals (the bankroller nations and the host nation). I quite like the look of France and Germany’s entries. But more of that once I’ve watched the finals.
My favourite ten of the night were (in order of performance):
Lithuania
Armenia
Denmark
Switzerland
Romania
Slovenia
Bulgaria
Cyprus (but only because of their hot singer)
Georgia
Turkey
The ten who qualified were (in the order in which they were revealed):
Georgia
Ukraine
Turkey
Israel
Ireland
Cyprus
Azerbaijan
Romania
Armenia
Denmark
The percentage of my top ten who were in Europe’s top ten:
40%
DEAR GOD, EUROPE. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FUCKED UP SO GREATLY????????? WHERE WERE THE LITHUANIAN STRIPPERS? THE SPARKLY BULGARIANS?
I am unimpressed. Of my three favourite acts, two didn’t make it. I am unimpressed, Europe. I am unimpressed.
I will however get the videos of the songs I liked, so that I can preserve the brilliance for posterity, even if the rest of Europe disagrees.
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