I spent a good hour and a half illegally appropriating photos of Deborah at nationals for Gymnastics.
Then I made a facebook photo album.
Because I am officially THE BEST SISTER IN EXISTENCE.
That and the fact that Deb is a bit of a ninja. Who planks like a boss. A boss whose pre-eminence floats all across the land of Mordor.
You can find that album here.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Dogs (or) Why I Have Stabby-Stabby-Murder-Face, but No-One Available to Stab
In general, I have nothing against dogs. They can be pleasantly entertaining in some circumstances, and I'm sure they serve some discernible purpose. Well kind of, anyway.
I only bring this up because I'm currently looking after a dog while some family friends are on holiday. I hate this dog.
It's big and smelly and it jumps on me (something which I don't tolerate from animals which weigh more than about 7 kg and will thus leave a bruise) and it is possibly the least intelligent animal I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
It's four years old and STILL chases its tail. It barks ALL THE TIME. And worst of all, it slobbers. I tolerate drool from babies because I know they aren't harbouring any pathogens from masticating on raw meat and that mysterious clod of something it ate at the park on its walk, but I don't tolerate it from dogs for the reasons set out above.
"So why did you agree to do it in the first place?" I hear you ask.
The answer is that I didn't. The day before she left to take Deb to Perth for gymnastics, we had one of our (incredibly frequent) 'oh and by the way, I've said you're going to [insert verb] for [insert name] for [insert length of time]' conversations.
So now, I'm stuck looking after an idiot animal until saturday. I am unimpressed.
Also, did I mention that it scratches?
I only bring this up because I'm currently looking after a dog while some family friends are on holiday. I hate this dog.
It's big and smelly and it jumps on me (something which I don't tolerate from animals which weigh more than about 7 kg and will thus leave a bruise) and it is possibly the least intelligent animal I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
It's four years old and STILL chases its tail. It barks ALL THE TIME. And worst of all, it slobbers. I tolerate drool from babies because I know they aren't harbouring any pathogens from masticating on raw meat and that mysterious clod of something it ate at the park on its walk, but I don't tolerate it from dogs for the reasons set out above.
"So why did you agree to do it in the first place?" I hear you ask.
The answer is that I didn't. The day before she left to take Deb to Perth for gymnastics, we had one of our (incredibly frequent) 'oh and by the way, I've said you're going to [insert verb] for [insert name] for [insert length of time]' conversations.
So now, I'm stuck looking after an idiot animal until saturday. I am unimpressed.
Also, did I mention that it scratches?
Pretensions
Today I had a horrifying thought. Am I pretentious when it comes to music?
Admittedly, when it comes to classical music I'm more a fan of the darker stuff - deaf or nearly so Beethoven, Mozart at the end of his life when he was all dark, Jenkins for reasons I can't really understand - and when it comes to popular music, I'm the same. Metallica, Apocalyptica, Rammstein, Within Temptation, Iron Maiden, Kamelot, even the odd bit of Murderdolls.
Recently however, I've found that I'm liking more and more non metal. I quite like three of Adele's latest songs, I can listen to Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts on an endless loop, and there's one Florence + The Machine song which I love, I just don't know what it's called. Either way, this made me wonder. Am I truly a metalhead, or am I just fooling myself?
Am I just pandering to my pretensions that I'm more hardcore than that? Ought I give up and stop visiting Utopia (which is probably my favourite store after Dymocks Stationery - the cheapest place to get Calligraphy supplies)?
To test this theory, I went into JBHifi and purchased a CD. Lungs by Florence was $10. If I didn't like it, I could always just give it to my sister.
I stuck it in my computer and listened with trepidation.
As it turns out, I didn't like it. Cosmic Love was alright, but not really to my taste. All of the tracks sounded the same, with the same airy voice and electronic instrumentation. I'm not a pretentious ass. I genuinely dislike the majority of popular music. I don't know whether I should be pleased or disappointed. Who cares?
Either way, I'm off to cleanse my mind of all that ranga music by listening to some music which never fails to perk me up: Amour by Rammstein, Parliament of Fools by Skyclad, Sacra by Apocalyptica and what is probably my favourite piece of classical music: The Allegretto (mvt. 2) of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony.
Because as it turns out, I really am hardcore like that.
Admittedly, when it comes to classical music I'm more a fan of the darker stuff - deaf or nearly so Beethoven, Mozart at the end of his life when he was all dark, Jenkins for reasons I can't really understand - and when it comes to popular music, I'm the same. Metallica, Apocalyptica, Rammstein, Within Temptation, Iron Maiden, Kamelot, even the odd bit of Murderdolls.
Recently however, I've found that I'm liking more and more non metal. I quite like three of Adele's latest songs, I can listen to Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts on an endless loop, and there's one Florence + The Machine song which I love, I just don't know what it's called. Either way, this made me wonder. Am I truly a metalhead, or am I just fooling myself?
Am I just pandering to my pretensions that I'm more hardcore than that? Ought I give up and stop visiting Utopia (which is probably my favourite store after Dymocks Stationery - the cheapest place to get Calligraphy supplies)?
To test this theory, I went into JBHifi and purchased a CD. Lungs by Florence was $10. If I didn't like it, I could always just give it to my sister.
I stuck it in my computer and listened with trepidation.
As it turns out, I didn't like it. Cosmic Love was alright, but not really to my taste. All of the tracks sounded the same, with the same airy voice and electronic instrumentation. I'm not a pretentious ass. I genuinely dislike the majority of popular music. I don't know whether I should be pleased or disappointed. Who cares?
Either way, I'm off to cleanse my mind of all that ranga music by listening to some music which never fails to perk me up: Amour by Rammstein, Parliament of Fools by Skyclad, Sacra by Apocalyptica and what is probably my favourite piece of classical music: The Allegretto (mvt. 2) of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony.
Because as it turns out, I really am hardcore like that.
Harry Potter
Today (it was midnight and all) I honoured the end of an era. I went to see Harry Potter 7 part 2. Not only that, I saw it in 3D.
This post will consist of three parts: The end of an era; Why are two dimensions insufficient; Six hours is a long time. I'm refraining from commenting on the plot and all that, because I don't entirely want to be that bitch who is constantly mind-raping you with spoilers. Regardless, I'm pretty darn sure that even if you haven't read the book (which you really ought to), you still know the rudiments of it.
Part the First - The End of an Era.
When HP1 came out, so very long ago, I was but a wee lass of seven [for the record, I use the word 'lass' in the Scots sense of small lady; not in the Adidas clad, going on Mainies and staunching sense]. Now, as the series ends, I am eighteen, having spent a goodly portion of my leisure time either reading the books (over and over), watching the movies or, most enjoyably, cracking up at the atrocious Fanfiction. Because there are some absolute shockers out there.
There were two movie series which defined my age group: the Toy Story trilogy (which I hear is about to do a Douglas Adams and release a fourth) and of course Harry Potter. In the same way I grew up alongside Andy, I grew up alongside Harry and his magical friends. I swooned over Robert Pattinson's pre-Edwardian hotness; I drooled over the 'bad boys' (Tom Felton, Young Tom Riddle and Young Snape); I generally questioned why Ginny, coming from such a lovely family, ended up being such a ho-bag.
But I digress. The point I'm trying to elucidate is the fact that we are at a turning point. The acoutrements of our childhood (like Harry Potter) are finished, to be replaced by whatever is going to define our age bracket now (I'm hoping True Blood). We're getting old.
Part the Second - Why Are Two Dimensions No Longer Sufficient?
It's no longer enough to merely watch a film or TV show. Now we have to have stuff flying at us and gettin' all up in our bidness as it were. I'm probably sounding like the grumpy old conservative that I am (I mean I certainly look the part - I'm wearing a blazer and pearls) but why can't we return to the good old days when the dividing line between entertainment and life was just that. A line. Because entertainment, in 2D was just a linear construct whereas real life was a spatial construct involving specific densities and volumetric displacements and all sorts of other fun geo-physical funsies.
Wow. That was a pretty darn nerdy rant.
Part the Third - Why One Really Ought to Avail Oneself of Internet Banking Facilities When Said Facilities Present Themselves.
I didn't. As a result, in order to be assured of tickets for the midnight showing, I arrived at Westfield Miranda at around 1800 and by 1830 I had four tickets to the midnight showing of HP7pt2, along with special edition Harry Potter glasses shaped 3D glasses.
By 1910 I was joined by Monica and Koby, and eventually (2040) we were joined by Meg - Monica's cousin, and a new addition to my internet exploits. There was nothing to do (and I really do mean nothing), and so we hung out like cool kids, judging the profusion of lads which seemed to be everywhere. We then got incredibly bored so we went on some mainies and staunched some bitchez.
I lie. We didn't.
We went for churros. Because we're hardcore like that.
By about 2130 we were hanging out outside the cinema. Which gradually filled with Shire dwellers, including lots of hipster boys who gave Mon and Koby 'lady boners' (their terminology, not mine), but just weren't my type. Because we all know what my type is...
Anyway. As the Shiries appeared in their varying levels of costuming (there was one girl who looked uncannily like HBC as Bellatrix. Snaps to her), we played Would You Rather. Because we had nothing better to do. Most of it was reasonably middle of the road, with the exception of two which were absolutely inspired. Were I still writing The Week (which I'm not because my life is too boring), they would most definitely be in there.
1) Monica to myself:
Would you rather One Time At Band Camp a Tuba, or verb of choice a goat.
2) Monica and myself to Koby:
Would you rather a dead Nick Jonas with a goat watching (N.B.: this goat has Riley's face), or that same goat with Nick Jonas watching.
As you can see, goats were for some reason quite a prevalent theme. Go figure.
My point in all this is to pre-order your tickets. Because that was six hours I'm never getting back.
This post will consist of three parts: The end of an era; Why are two dimensions insufficient; Six hours is a long time. I'm refraining from commenting on the plot and all that, because I don't entirely want to be that bitch who is constantly mind-raping you with spoilers. Regardless, I'm pretty darn sure that even if you haven't read the book (which you really ought to), you still know the rudiments of it.
Part the First - The End of an Era.
When HP1 came out, so very long ago, I was but a wee lass of seven [for the record, I use the word 'lass' in the Scots sense of small lady; not in the Adidas clad, going on Mainies and staunching sense]. Now, as the series ends, I am eighteen, having spent a goodly portion of my leisure time either reading the books (over and over), watching the movies or, most enjoyably, cracking up at the atrocious Fanfiction. Because there are some absolute shockers out there.
There were two movie series which defined my age group: the Toy Story trilogy (which I hear is about to do a Douglas Adams and release a fourth) and of course Harry Potter. In the same way I grew up alongside Andy, I grew up alongside Harry and his magical friends. I swooned over Robert Pattinson's pre-Edwardian hotness; I drooled over the 'bad boys' (Tom Felton, Young Tom Riddle and Young Snape); I generally questioned why Ginny, coming from such a lovely family, ended up being such a ho-bag.
But I digress. The point I'm trying to elucidate is the fact that we are at a turning point. The acoutrements of our childhood (like Harry Potter) are finished, to be replaced by whatever is going to define our age bracket now (I'm hoping True Blood). We're getting old.
Part the Second - Why Are Two Dimensions No Longer Sufficient?
It's no longer enough to merely watch a film or TV show. Now we have to have stuff flying at us and gettin' all up in our bidness as it were. I'm probably sounding like the grumpy old conservative that I am (I mean I certainly look the part - I'm wearing a blazer and pearls) but why can't we return to the good old days when the dividing line between entertainment and life was just that. A line. Because entertainment, in 2D was just a linear construct whereas real life was a spatial construct involving specific densities and volumetric displacements and all sorts of other fun geo-physical funsies.
Wow. That was a pretty darn nerdy rant.
Part the Third - Why One Really Ought to Avail Oneself of Internet Banking Facilities When Said Facilities Present Themselves.
I didn't. As a result, in order to be assured of tickets for the midnight showing, I arrived at Westfield Miranda at around 1800 and by 1830 I had four tickets to the midnight showing of HP7pt2, along with special edition Harry Potter glasses shaped 3D glasses.
By 1910 I was joined by Monica and Koby, and eventually (2040) we were joined by Meg - Monica's cousin, and a new addition to my internet exploits. There was nothing to do (and I really do mean nothing), and so we hung out like cool kids, judging the profusion of lads which seemed to be everywhere. We then got incredibly bored so we went on some mainies and staunched some bitchez.
I lie. We didn't.
We went for churros. Because we're hardcore like that.
By about 2130 we were hanging out outside the cinema. Which gradually filled with Shire dwellers, including lots of hipster boys who gave Mon and Koby 'lady boners' (their terminology, not mine), but just weren't my type. Because we all know what my type is...
Anyway. As the Shiries appeared in their varying levels of costuming (there was one girl who looked uncannily like HBC as Bellatrix. Snaps to her), we played Would You Rather. Because we had nothing better to do. Most of it was reasonably middle of the road, with the exception of two which were absolutely inspired. Were I still writing The Week (which I'm not because my life is too boring), they would most definitely be in there.
1) Monica to myself:
Would you rather One Time At Band Camp a Tuba, or verb of choice a goat.
2) Monica and myself to Koby:
Would you rather a dead Nick Jonas with a goat watching (N.B.: this goat has Riley's face), or that same goat with Nick Jonas watching.
As you can see, goats were for some reason quite a prevalent theme. Go figure.
My point in all this is to pre-order your tickets. Because that was six hours I'm never getting back.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
EVERYBODY!
SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
What is it with me neglecting to tell you how smashed I'd be if I were playing a drinking game as opposed to blogging?
32 shots. Well under the other two posts, but still remarkably wasted. Go figure.
SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
What is it with me neglecting to tell you how smashed I'd be if I were playing a drinking game as opposed to blogging?
32 shots. Well under the other two posts, but still remarkably wasted. Go figure.
Hier Kommt Die Semifinal
I’m sitting in a computer room at school, ready to get my Eurocamp on. Here’s hoping I’m not disappointed.
Following on from my recurring theme of the last two posts, I will continue along with Blackie's Eurovision drinking game (for full details, look at the Semifinal 2 post). How euro-trashed will I be??
I’m not sure I’m a fan of Anke’s dress. It’s not enough to warrant a shot, but still. Judith’s is quite nice, but I can’t fathom why Stefan isn’t wearing a tie.
And now Anke has punched Stefan. She does it again in the final... generally when he’s just a bit too much of a tool.
Stefan: voting is so easy even a woman could explain in.
Audience: did he just go there??
Poland
The land of Po. Cute postcard. Painfully so.
Shot for the Gaga/ABBA inspired costumes. The singer looks rather like Santana from Glee. Sings just about as well as her too. Nice use of strobing, but underwhelming use of wind machining. The plumes of smoke help somewhat. A nice Europop song.
8/10
One shot – costumes.
Norway
I didn’t know they had Kenyans in Norway. I’m not being racist, I’m just saying. Apparently the song is partially in Swahili. As you would, when performing at Eurovision. But as those of you who read my comments regarding France’s entry last year will know, I’m quite a fan of afropop. This is no exception. There is however a shot for the gold onesie with butt ruffles.
8.9/10
One shot.
Sam: finally some mid-tempo afro-fusion-pop. Did notice that one of the backup dancers was wearing a tie, I hope it was a full Windsor knot.
Albania
Apparently the singer has crazy fake nails. I'll allocate a pre-emptive shot. Good fog to start with. Another shot for the rest of the outfit. I only wonder if there'll be any wind machining later to capitalise on the floofy bits. Albania traditionally is strong when it comes to the use of wind, but this year is apparently an exception. This lack is compensated for with abundant fire. I'm also a fan of the studded hair. I'm horrified to realise that this is the third song and I'm yet to hear a keychange.
8.5/10
Two shots.
Armenia
This song's called 'Boom Boom'. TITLE SHOT. Interesting set design, shot for the giant boxing glove chair. Shot for the backup dancers in their dressing gowns. I am cracking up at this song, but not in a good way. I'll be giving shots just for the sheer trashiness. The male dancers are also showing a decently Eurovisual amount of chest.
7.25/10
Three shots.
Still no keychange.
Turkey
Shot for the '70s rocker inspired costumes. This should be good. Nice use of fire and fog. Shot for the contortionist chick in the spherical cage. That shit's weird. Not enough strobing if you ask me. Points for the contortionist chick turning into a bird at the end.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Interview Interlude: Portugal are apparently wearing original costumes from '74. And the Albanian lead singer is tiny. I find that without a raging rock band behind her, Georgia's lead singer is even worse. It's a pity, because she brings down the entire performance.
Serbia
I didn't like this one in the final, let's see if I like it more this time... I don't. I do however quite like Nina's dress tonight.
5.5/10
One shot - finally a keychange.
Russia
I'm struck by how much Alexej looks like Ben McKenzie, but in a hotter, European way. I'm also a fan of the fact that he's working the crowd. The backup dancers are also quite cute, despite the fact that their costumes warrant 30 mLs of spirits. The lyrics are a bit odd too: "Put my mind in a dirty zone". Really? Clearly that made more sense in Russian. And call me an elitist, but I liked the rehearsed and regimented bow at the end. 9.5/10
Two shots - keychange, and what a great one it was.
Switzerland
I liked this postcard on the final, but not the song. Will I change my mind? I like the Ukelele, but not her singing. It's all so painfully twee.
5/10
A shot to ease the pain.
Georgia
Shot for the costumes. Her hair is bigger tonight than in the final. And already, she's working the wind machine in true Georgian style. I still don't understand the purpose of the rap though. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT IT IN THERE? The strobing is also a touch underwhelming. Pity.
7.5/10 - I'd give more if she could sing better.
One shot.
A couple of Lordi jokes later, here's Finland.
Sam: If you liked Lordi... turn off your TV now.
Finland
Again, I love the postcard. Yay for classical music.
The song's called 'Da Da Dam'. TITLE SHOT!! This singer is painfully adorable. He's just so cutely huggable. This is a ballad that I actually like. The only issue is that it's not poppy enough for Eurovision. That having been said, I'm still tempted to pull out a lighter and do a Cold Chisel. So adorable.
8.75/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Malta
I like the postcard. Probs because I <3 opera.
Well. The backup dancers are very Eurovision with their sleeveless shirts. The lead singer is similarly tanned into oblivion in a very Eurovisual manner. The whole song is however a bit too... irritatingly camp. Decently rousing keychange, but otherwise...
6/10
One shot.
San Marino
Another ballad. From the first chord, I know that despite all the fog flowing over the stag, I'm going to hate this song because it's crap. She's not a very good singer, it's an atrocious song.
<5/10
Shot to erase the memory.
Croatia
According to the hosts [as in Sam and Julia, not Anke, Judith and Stefan], this is one for the drinking games. It's definitely bad enough. I'm not understanding the purpose of the creepy DJ. He's kind of overkill. I'm rather impressed by the quickchange artistry. Pity it's a crap song. A good, rousing keychange, but still. So many points for the changing.
7/10
Two shots - the quickchanging totally distracted from the song.
Iceland
I'm loving the Barbershop aesthetics. And again, I appreciate the fact that they're not wanking it up on a grand piano. They're just honky-tonking along on an upright. I also liked the harmonies at the end.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Hungary
Sam: No, that's not Michael Bolton.
This is a delightfully boppy song, she's actually quite good. I still feel that the costumes are almost libatively ABBA. And a touch scanty. But I still very much like the LED lit backup dancers. That's Eurovision. I feel that this song could have really benefited from some wind machining, but it just wasn't there. Pity.
8.5/10
Two shots - costume and keychange.
Portugal
The costumes are visibly '74, although why they have a guy dressed up as Fidel Castro is well beyond me. I almost feel as if this song is from some Playschool-esque programme. It feels a touch... infantile. The only thing keeping them above 5/10 is the Castro lookalike. He jives me much jollies.
6/10
Two shots - costume and national dress (vintage clothing from the '70s qualifies in my mind).
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. Not ever a good fusion idea. Here goes nothing... I don't like her voice. Maybe it's just me, but she's a bit pitchy. Shot for the ridiculous dress train. There's good fog, but no wind. Her hair (and dress) could really capitalise on it, but it just isn't there. And I still don't understand the sign language in a SONG CONTEST. So bland.
6/10
One shot.
Azerbaijan
I'm going to allocate five shots for how nauseating this was, and then fast forward through it. <5/10
Five shots.
That was painful.
Sam: it's all a bit to Graduate for me.
And now for Greece.
Julia: The Greeks combine classical music, folk music and rap.
Sam: Finally.
Greece
Now this will be Eurovisual. I'm ready for partially shirtless men. What's this? They're wearing shirts. At least they're breakdancing as compensation. The rap guy soinds like he should be singing backup in Cannibal Corpse, but the classical guy is a cutie. There's a shot for the LUDICROUSLY Greek background image. The Greek dancing interlude is also cracking me up no end. And now the backup dancers are divested of their jackets and dancing among pillars of fire. Cool.
9/10
One shot.
Interview Interlude: in which the singers talk rapidly at the SBS cameras in their native languages. I swoon.
So according to me, the qualifying nations are as follows, in order of performance:
Poland
Norway
Albania
Turkey
Russia
Georgia
Finland
Iceland
Hungary
Greece
I'm not going to comment on the Drumline entertainment. They didn't even march in step. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.
I must say that Jon Ola Sand has a far less entertaining name than last year's lord god king of Eurovision, Svante.
So... the nations which Europe has chosen for qualification are as follows:
Serbia - 0 for 1
Lithuania - 0 for 2
Greece - 1 for 2
Azerbaijan - 1 for 3
Georgia - 2 for 3
Switzerland - 2 for 4
Hungary - 3 for 4
Finland - 4 for 4
Russia - 5 for 4
Iceland - 6 for 4
Same accuracy as the other semi.
I'd just like to have a quick final private rant regarding this year's Eurovision.
WHERE WERE THE WIND MACHINES? THIS IS EUROVISION. I EXPECT GALE FORCE WINDS IN EVERY NUMBER. I AM SO UNIMPRESSED WITH THE CALIBRE OF THIS YEAR'S WIND MACHINING.
So unimpressed.
Following on from my recurring theme of the last two posts, I will continue along with Blackie's Eurovision drinking game (for full details, look at the Semifinal 2 post). How euro-trashed will I be??
I’m not sure I’m a fan of Anke’s dress. It’s not enough to warrant a shot, but still. Judith’s is quite nice, but I can’t fathom why Stefan isn’t wearing a tie.
And now Anke has punched Stefan. She does it again in the final... generally when he’s just a bit too much of a tool.
Stefan: voting is so easy even a woman could explain in.
Audience: did he just go there??
Poland
The land of Po. Cute postcard. Painfully so.
Shot for the Gaga/ABBA inspired costumes. The singer looks rather like Santana from Glee. Sings just about as well as her too. Nice use of strobing, but underwhelming use of wind machining. The plumes of smoke help somewhat. A nice Europop song.
8/10
One shot – costumes.
Norway
I didn’t know they had Kenyans in Norway. I’m not being racist, I’m just saying. Apparently the song is partially in Swahili. As you would, when performing at Eurovision. But as those of you who read my comments regarding France’s entry last year will know, I’m quite a fan of afropop. This is no exception. There is however a shot for the gold onesie with butt ruffles.
8.9/10
One shot.
Sam: finally some mid-tempo afro-fusion-pop. Did notice that one of the backup dancers was wearing a tie, I hope it was a full Windsor knot.
Albania
Apparently the singer has crazy fake nails. I'll allocate a pre-emptive shot. Good fog to start with. Another shot for the rest of the outfit. I only wonder if there'll be any wind machining later to capitalise on the floofy bits. Albania traditionally is strong when it comes to the use of wind, but this year is apparently an exception. This lack is compensated for with abundant fire. I'm also a fan of the studded hair. I'm horrified to realise that this is the third song and I'm yet to hear a keychange.
8.5/10
Two shots.
Armenia
This song's called 'Boom Boom'. TITLE SHOT. Interesting set design, shot for the giant boxing glove chair. Shot for the backup dancers in their dressing gowns. I am cracking up at this song, but not in a good way. I'll be giving shots just for the sheer trashiness. The male dancers are also showing a decently Eurovisual amount of chest.
7.25/10
Three shots.
Still no keychange.
Turkey
Shot for the '70s rocker inspired costumes. This should be good. Nice use of fire and fog. Shot for the contortionist chick in the spherical cage. That shit's weird. Not enough strobing if you ask me. Points for the contortionist chick turning into a bird at the end.
8.25/10
Two shots.
Interview Interlude: Portugal are apparently wearing original costumes from '74. And the Albanian lead singer is tiny. I find that without a raging rock band behind her, Georgia's lead singer is even worse. It's a pity, because she brings down the entire performance.
Serbia
I didn't like this one in the final, let's see if I like it more this time... I don't. I do however quite like Nina's dress tonight.
5.5/10
One shot - finally a keychange.
Russia
I'm struck by how much Alexej looks like Ben McKenzie, but in a hotter, European way. I'm also a fan of the fact that he's working the crowd. The backup dancers are also quite cute, despite the fact that their costumes warrant 30 mLs of spirits. The lyrics are a bit odd too: "Put my mind in a dirty zone". Really? Clearly that made more sense in Russian. And call me an elitist, but I liked the rehearsed and regimented bow at the end. 9.5/10
Two shots - keychange, and what a great one it was.
Switzerland
I liked this postcard on the final, but not the song. Will I change my mind? I like the Ukelele, but not her singing. It's all so painfully twee.
5/10
A shot to ease the pain.
Georgia
Shot for the costumes. Her hair is bigger tonight than in the final. And already, she's working the wind machine in true Georgian style. I still don't understand the purpose of the rap though. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT IT IN THERE? The strobing is also a touch underwhelming. Pity.
7.5/10 - I'd give more if she could sing better.
One shot.
A couple of Lordi jokes later, here's Finland.
Sam: If you liked Lordi... turn off your TV now.
Finland
Again, I love the postcard. Yay for classical music.
The song's called 'Da Da Dam'. TITLE SHOT!! This singer is painfully adorable. He's just so cutely huggable. This is a ballad that I actually like. The only issue is that it's not poppy enough for Eurovision. That having been said, I'm still tempted to pull out a lighter and do a Cold Chisel. So adorable.
8.75/10
Two shots - downbeat entry.
Malta
I like the postcard. Probs because I <3 opera.
Well. The backup dancers are very Eurovision with their sleeveless shirts. The lead singer is similarly tanned into oblivion in a very Eurovisual manner. The whole song is however a bit too... irritatingly camp. Decently rousing keychange, but otherwise...
6/10
One shot.
San Marino
Another ballad. From the first chord, I know that despite all the fog flowing over the stag, I'm going to hate this song because it's crap. She's not a very good singer, it's an atrocious song.
<5/10
Shot to erase the memory.
Croatia
According to the hosts [as in Sam and Julia, not Anke, Judith and Stefan], this is one for the drinking games. It's definitely bad enough. I'm not understanding the purpose of the creepy DJ. He's kind of overkill. I'm rather impressed by the quickchange artistry. Pity it's a crap song. A good, rousing keychange, but still. So many points for the changing.
7/10
Two shots - the quickchanging totally distracted from the song.
Iceland
I'm loving the Barbershop aesthetics. And again, I appreciate the fact that they're not wanking it up on a grand piano. They're just honky-tonking along on an upright. I also liked the harmonies at the end.
8/10
One shot - keychange.
Hungary
Sam: No, that's not Michael Bolton.
This is a delightfully boppy song, she's actually quite good. I still feel that the costumes are almost libatively ABBA. And a touch scanty. But I still very much like the LED lit backup dancers. That's Eurovision. I feel that this song could have really benefited from some wind machining, but it just wasn't there. Pity.
8.5/10
Two shots - costume and keychange.
Portugal
The costumes are visibly '74, although why they have a guy dressed up as Fidel Castro is well beyond me. I almost feel as if this song is from some Playschool-esque programme. It feels a touch... infantile. The only thing keeping them above 5/10 is the Castro lookalike. He jives me much jollies.
6/10
Two shots - costume and national dress (vintage clothing from the '70s qualifies in my mind).
Lithuania
An operatic ballad. Not ever a good fusion idea. Here goes nothing... I don't like her voice. Maybe it's just me, but she's a bit pitchy. Shot for the ridiculous dress train. There's good fog, but no wind. Her hair (and dress) could really capitalise on it, but it just isn't there. And I still don't understand the sign language in a SONG CONTEST. So bland.
6/10
One shot.
Azerbaijan
I'm going to allocate five shots for how nauseating this was, and then fast forward through it. <5/10
Five shots.
That was painful.
Sam: it's all a bit to Graduate for me.
And now for Greece.
Julia: The Greeks combine classical music, folk music and rap.
Sam: Finally.
Greece
Now this will be Eurovisual. I'm ready for partially shirtless men. What's this? They're wearing shirts. At least they're breakdancing as compensation. The rap guy soinds like he should be singing backup in Cannibal Corpse, but the classical guy is a cutie. There's a shot for the LUDICROUSLY Greek background image. The Greek dancing interlude is also cracking me up no end. And now the backup dancers are divested of their jackets and dancing among pillars of fire. Cool.
9/10
One shot.
Interview Interlude: in which the singers talk rapidly at the SBS cameras in their native languages. I swoon.
So according to me, the qualifying nations are as follows, in order of performance:
Poland
Norway
Albania
Turkey
Russia
Georgia
Finland
Iceland
Hungary
Greece
I'm not going to comment on the Drumline entertainment. They didn't even march in step. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.
I must say that Jon Ola Sand has a far less entertaining name than last year's lord god king of Eurovision, Svante.
So... the nations which Europe has chosen for qualification are as follows:
Serbia - 0 for 1
Lithuania - 0 for 2
Greece - 1 for 2
Azerbaijan - 1 for 3
Georgia - 2 for 3
Switzerland - 2 for 4
Hungary - 3 for 4
Finland - 4 for 4
Russia - 5 for 4
Iceland - 6 for 4
Same accuracy as the other semi.
I'd just like to have a quick final private rant regarding this year's Eurovision.
WHERE WERE THE WIND MACHINES? THIS IS EUROVISION. I EXPECT GALE FORCE WINDS IN EVERY NUMBER. I AM SO UNIMPRESSED WITH THE CALIBRE OF THIS YEAR'S WIND MACHINING.
So unimpressed.
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