Hydrogen

I'm entering the Rostrum Voice of Youth public speakign competition, and as they provide set topics for us to choose from, I've chosen 'A modern curse'.

This is my speech. I've tried to make it as funny as possible.

Frank Zappa wrote in his autobiography that

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and THAT is the basic building block of the universe.

This is not a case of pessimism vs. optimism – it’s a matter of accurate assessment.

Not only is there more stupidity than anything else in terms of universal quantity, but there is a wonderful quality to this stupidity. It is so intensely perfect that it completely overwhelms whatever it is that nature has piled up on the other pan of the scale.”

I would have to agree. We are slowly becoming a stupid species because, in flagrant disregard for Darwin’s theory of evolution, we are allowing the stupid to survive, nay, flourish in a gene pool which is gradually being polluted by their lack of common sense.

When I say stupid people, which I will numerous times over the course of the next few minutes, I refer only to those people who for some inexplicable reason lack that innate sense of ‘If I do this, there will in all likelihood be some horrible violent consequence, so the most intelligent thing for me to do would be to abstain from my planned course of action’ which the rest of us were born with. That’s why the Darwin awards exist.

The Darwin awards are awarded posthumously upon those people who kill themselves in such ridiculously idiotic ways that they did the species a favour by removing themselves from it. Their catchphrase is: Chlorinating the gene pool – evolution in action. Recipients include three men who were playing Russian Roulettte.

Using a semiautomatic weapon.

We are in the grips of a modern curse. And that curse is niceness. You see, our problem is that society is too nice. Instead of dumping teenagers in the frozen steppes of Siberia, and waiting to see which ones make it out alive so as to ensure peak genetics get into the gene pool; we protect humans when they are at their most reckless and irrational point – young adulthood.

There’s a reason most car accidents involve people from the 17-25 years age bracket. It’s because at that stage, the brain undergoes a series of changes which temporarily (for lack of a better term) block the frontal lobe – the part of the brain which governs manners and sensibility – from interfering with our plans, thus making us more likely to engage in reckless behaviour.

There is however one important point: not everyone engages in stupid behaviour. Some people remain sensible. If natural selection were to be allowed to run rampant, those lacking the capacity for logic in their formative years would weed themselves out of the genetic mix eventually, leaving only the able-minded to go about furthering the species.

Instead we go about protecting these hoodlums. The ‘yoof’ of our generation. We force them to wear seatbelts, tell them not to binge drink, smoke, do illicit drugs, engage in unprotected sex. In other words, we tell them what they ought to have worked out on their own. We help them to survive so that they can propagate. And so they do. Society enables the survival of the genetically unworthy, and it’s slowly turning Australia into a nanny state.

Think about it. The big banks engaged in the mild stupidity of lending people money that they didn’t actually have to loan in the first place, and the government stepped in to save them from their own misdeeds. The government introduces mandates to ensure that instead of letting evolution do its thing, people lacking common sense aren’t presented with the opportunity to bungee jump off of buildings onto pavement, or to drive their cars off of cliffs while they watch solar eclipses instead of the road, or to go for a skinny dip with a killer whale whilst enjoying the combined effects of marijuana and alcohol.

The government mandates every aspect of our lives in which stupid people would be allowed to stupid themselves to death. The stringency of driving tests ensures that they actually need to be competent with a car before they are unleashed onto the roads to evolve. Occupational Health and Safety regulations ensure that regardless of whether they have the propensity to do so, no-one is allowed into areas where they could be injured and such as a result of falling tools or rampaging forklifts.

Even sports equipment carries warnings which seem obvious to the average person, but which allow stupid people to survive. For example, I play Lacrosse. On the back of the Goalie helmet is an inscription. It reads:

Lacrosse is a dangerous sport. Death or serious injury could occur while playing. Wearing this helmet will not prevent serious head, neck and/or spinal cord trauma. Do not use this helmet to ramm, stab or headbutt other players whilst wearing this helmet.

If people lack the common sense not to assume that since they’re wearing a helmet, they’re invincible, so they can feel free to attempt to impale others on it, they don’t deserve to live. I know it seems harsh, but it’s the truth. If they think a piece of moulded plastic with some padding on the inside and a mesh faceguard will mean that nothing can harm them so that they can now engage in behaviour generally restricted to mountain goats in the mating season, then if they maim or paralyse themselves whilst engaging in the aforementioned pursuit, they deserved it.

Another piece of evidence pointing to the fact that we are becoming a nanny state is the fact that Ponzi schemes have been declared illegal. In my opinion, if someone at the email address: fluffybunnyfuntime@hotmail.com sends an email claiming to be a Nigerian prince who will give one million dollars to everyone who emails him their credit card number, and the person receiving the email believes it and sends off their credit card details, it’s their fault. It shouldn’t be up to the government to protect them from their own lack of deductive powers.

A final example of stupidity is the advertisements for funeral insurance plans which are broadcast during every ad break on SBS. An ad I saw a few weeks ago began with the statement “A recent study has shown that there is a 100% chance that you will die.” If that sends people scurrying off to buy a funeral insurance plan which isn’t going to benefit them in the slightest, it’s faintly pathos inducing, but mainly funny.

As Paul Twitchell wrote in ‘The Far Country’:

As you grow older in your observation of the peoples of this Earth world, it becomes obvious that stupidity is the reigning virtue. The masses are always willing that somebody take the responsibility of caring for them.

Our curse is that through niceness we enable stupidity, and unless we take decisive action to give stupid people the freedom they need to remove themselves from the genepool, society will not progress.