Holly was discharged yesterday. That's a massive bummer. We're all going to miss her. At least she got otu before she hit the ten week mark. Had she been discharged today, her admission would have been ten weeks. So I suppose it's good for her.
I've been let out for a parade today (marching band). It's for the international Lions convention. It should be fun, although getting a sousa onto a double decker bus (the way we're getting from the end of the parade back to the beginning for a second pass) will be a challenge. Hell, getting the sousa onto a regular bus so that I can get to Hyde Park (the startinng point) will be an interesting experience. And that's with it collapsed and in a flat(ish) case. This should be an experience.
Tomorrow is Inspired. For those of you who are uninitiated, that's the school Textiles and Design showcase. I'm MCing it. Dressed as the Queen of Hearts. Hells mother-expletiving yeah.
My performance pants are statically attracted to my legs. It shits me.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Winter Solstice
Today (Monday) is the winter solstice.
Various events have transpired:
I’ve been moved back into the adolescent ward (gods be praised).
Hannah was discharged. Kelsey and I will miss her. We’ll compensate by going to Nowra in the holidays to stalk her.
I found out that I’m going to the US for a week in august on frequent flier points when mum goes to San Jose CA for a conference. Hells to the motherloving yeah.
And we decided we’d try to stay up all night. This will be the moment-to-moment account of what happens.
8.15 – Holly has a copy of Shrek 3. We shall watch it. It’s probably going to be underwhelming, but such is existence.
9.15 – I’ve been typesetting guitar chords in preparation for the BJE campfire sing-along. This year is going to pwn in the extreme.
9.20 – Holly has put the disc in the playstation console. It’s a pirated DVD and thus didn’t work. What a quandary. No matter – we’ll watch Sherlock Holmes. I personally am not a fan of Robert Downey Jr. – he creeps me out.
Oh well.
11.20 – Sherlock Holmes is finished. It was markedly good. I’m actually developing an affinity for RDJ. The plan of staying up all night has been abandoned due to lack of interest coupled with existing fatigue.
And so now I am sitting in the communal room typing, as the rest of the girls bitch about the fact that they’re not allowed to close the curtains around their beds (new mandate, enforced beginning today).
Oh well. Tata all.
Various events have transpired:
I’ve been moved back into the adolescent ward (gods be praised).
Hannah was discharged. Kelsey and I will miss her. We’ll compensate by going to Nowra in the holidays to stalk her.
I found out that I’m going to the US for a week in august on frequent flier points when mum goes to San Jose CA for a conference. Hells to the motherloving yeah.
And we decided we’d try to stay up all night. This will be the moment-to-moment account of what happens.
8.15 – Holly has a copy of Shrek 3. We shall watch it. It’s probably going to be underwhelming, but such is existence.
9.15 – I’ve been typesetting guitar chords in preparation for the BJE campfire sing-along. This year is going to pwn in the extreme.
9.20 – Holly has put the disc in the playstation console. It’s a pirated DVD and thus didn’t work. What a quandary. No matter – we’ll watch Sherlock Holmes. I personally am not a fan of Robert Downey Jr. – he creeps me out.
Oh well.
11.20 – Sherlock Holmes is finished. It was markedly good. I’m actually developing an affinity for RDJ. The plan of staying up all night has been abandoned due to lack of interest coupled with existing fatigue.
And so now I am sitting in the communal room typing, as the rest of the girls bitch about the fact that they’re not allowed to close the curtains around their beds (new mandate, enforced beginning today).
Oh well. Tata all.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Hardening the expletive up.
One of the girls with whom I am currently sharing a ward pisses me off to no end. In the interest of protecting identities (like hell, one can never know who's on the internet, lurking), I shall henceforth refer to her as Q.
No, she is not a theoretical biblical document (just a joke for all my HEX buddies). But I digress.
If there's one thing that shits me to no end, it's whining. That irritating, high pitched, nasally childish voice people resort to when they're not getting their way.
Q whines all the time. I'm talking incessantly. But that's only the beginning of my figurative beef with her. Q is horrible to the other girls, constantly making snide comments and then saying 'Oh, no offence.'
Saying 'no offence' is probably worse than just being a bitch, because it shows that she doesn't own the fact that she's a bitch. I'm able to make this point because I actually do own my bitchiness. I just save it up for special occasions... But again I digress.
Q also seems to be labouring under the incredibly misguided impression that everyone cares. No-one cares about her stupid issues. Hmmm. Looks like today is a special occasion. Oh well.
Furthermore, Q believes that she should have everything her way. She flouts the rules set up by the powers that are, and then whines when she gets in trouble. She makes ridiculous requests at inappropriate times (I would give examples, but then it would be painfully obvious to anyone on the ward at the moment who I'm ranting about; and as much as I own my bitching, if I'm going to be living with them for some unforseeable amount of time, It helps if we get along...), and then practically has panic attacks when her requests are denied.
And then whenever she doesn't get what she wants, she starts crying.
And her French is pathetic. I know I've just made it obvious who I'm talking about, but I don't care. If there's something that pisses me off, it's bad french pronunciation.
And, Finally, she complains incessantly. I may have already said this, but I'll say it again. NOBODY CARES! SERIOUSLY! WE DON'T GIVE AN EXPLETIVE ABOUT WHY YOU DON'T LIKE IT IN HOSPITAL OR WHAT PERCEIVED WRONG YOU THINK YOU'RE SUBJECT TO. WE'RE ALL STUCK IN THERE TOO. WE'RE IN THE SAME MOTHER-EXPLETIVEING BOAT. NO-ONE LIKES PERSECUTION COMPLEXES.
Q, Harden the fuck up.
And I know I've been complaining for this entire post, but frankly, I don't care. It was justified.
On a nice little sidebar, thanks for the mention, Kelsey :)
No, she is not a theoretical biblical document (just a joke for all my HEX buddies). But I digress.
If there's one thing that shits me to no end, it's whining. That irritating, high pitched, nasally childish voice people resort to when they're not getting their way.
Q whines all the time. I'm talking incessantly. But that's only the beginning of my figurative beef with her. Q is horrible to the other girls, constantly making snide comments and then saying 'Oh, no offence.'
Saying 'no offence' is probably worse than just being a bitch, because it shows that she doesn't own the fact that she's a bitch. I'm able to make this point because I actually do own my bitchiness. I just save it up for special occasions... But again I digress.
Q also seems to be labouring under the incredibly misguided impression that everyone cares. No-one cares about her stupid issues. Hmmm. Looks like today is a special occasion. Oh well.
Furthermore, Q believes that she should have everything her way. She flouts the rules set up by the powers that are, and then whines when she gets in trouble. She makes ridiculous requests at inappropriate times (I would give examples, but then it would be painfully obvious to anyone on the ward at the moment who I'm ranting about; and as much as I own my bitching, if I'm going to be living with them for some unforseeable amount of time, It helps if we get along...), and then practically has panic attacks when her requests are denied.
And then whenever she doesn't get what she wants, she starts crying.
And her French is pathetic. I know I've just made it obvious who I'm talking about, but I don't care. If there's something that pisses me off, it's bad french pronunciation.
And, Finally, she complains incessantly. I may have already said this, but I'll say it again. NOBODY CARES! SERIOUSLY! WE DON'T GIVE AN EXPLETIVE ABOUT WHY YOU DON'T LIKE IT IN HOSPITAL OR WHAT PERCEIVED WRONG YOU THINK YOU'RE SUBJECT TO. WE'RE ALL STUCK IN THERE TOO. WE'RE IN THE SAME MOTHER-EXPLETIVEING BOAT. NO-ONE LIKES PERSECUTION COMPLEXES.
Q, Harden the fuck up.
And I know I've been complaining for this entire post, but frankly, I don't care. It was justified.
On a nice little sidebar, thanks for the mention, Kelsey :)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Eurovision Final!!!
Today whilst at UNSW, I happened to see a Google news heading telling me who won. But I’ll save that for the end of the post. I would have found out from channel ten otherwise, anyway.
Eurovision kicked off with Alexander Rybak sawing through yet another violin bow. Good on him. I usually don’t really like violin music, but he plays with so much vim that I forgive him his instrument choice.
Azerbaijan kicked off the show. Their singer was marvellous at walking down flights of stairs. Her backup dancer was barefoot, which made the fact that he was wearing a shirt forgivable. 7/10
Spain, the first of the bankrolling nations. Generally Spain’s entry is weird. Really incredibly strange. This year was no change to that. The singer looked like Bob Dylan on speed, the backup dancers were abstract to the point of postmodernism, not to mention creepy like sad clowns. Although they did have the Eurovision equivalent of a streaker – someone who jumped onto the stage and had to be dragged off by security. The fact that they just went with it really speaks in Spain’s favour. Otherwise, it was still really weird and I didn’t like it. But that’s just me. >5/10
Norway – last year’s winner. The song started off slowly, which demonstrated that the singer is clearly an opera boy – can’t sign at anything below 100%. He is aesthetically pleasing though. The backup singers were clumped too closely together. Also, in my opinion, the song was chordally reminiscent of a Paul Jarman song. But that could just be because I’m a choir nerd. The guy from Norway improved after the key change. The pyrotechnics were tasteful, but I think they could have been bigger. 7.5/10
Moldova had an electric violin as part of their act. The violinist was on a spinning turnstile, which must have been a bit nauseating for him. There was some hardcore thrusting from the sax and two backup dancers. The singer looked like a cross between Gwen Stefani, P!nk, Madonna and Lady Gaga. I liked it though, because it was eurotrashy to the nth degree. I am a fan. 8.5/10
Cyprus again. Jon Lilygreen is going on the Hottie Wall in the year 12 study at st. G. This is because he is a welsh babe who can sing. I must however ask why the drummer bothered to sing if he wasn’t miked. I like the fact that instead of getting a guitar with built-in pickups, he just duct taped a mike to the inside of his guitar. He made it a design feature. Kudos to him.8.75/10
Bosnia and Herzegovina had a fog machine, but that’s where the good stuff ended. The singer looked like that guy from Coldplay spliced with that guy from Savage Garden. Not a fan of the stance used by all whilst they were singing. Costuming wasn’t marvellously eurotrash, no-one worked the wind machine. It was (for lack of better adjectives) very American. >5/10
Backstage: the man from Spain is less creepy when not in costume, and is playing Sky in Spain’s production of Mamma Mia. Armenia’s backup singers are rather good. Alexander Rybak has shaken Barak Obama’s hand. He is also a fan of Lena from Germany’s song ‘Satellites’. Alexander Rybak is such a babe.
Belgium. ‘Me and My Guitar’. He’s alright looking, and it’s a sweet enough song, but it’s a power ballad. It just doesn’t get me doing a little happy dance on my hospital bed with a laptop propped on one knee. And his falsetto sucks numerous male appendages. Including his own. He was however the first act to work the audience. It wasn’t much, but he was the first to do it. I would rate it higher, but his falsetto killed it for me. 6.5/10
Serbia’s lead singer is totally androgynous. He looks markedly like something Lady Gaga would dress up as, perhaps crossed with (I shudder to type it) Justin Beiber. The male backup dancers were a bit underwhelming. So was the song. And his singing. Maybe it’s the kind of thing the Balkans go for, but it didn’t float my boat. The costuming for the female backup singers was ridiculously strange. 6.5/10
FYI: due to Spain’s interruption, they will get to perform again at the end.
Also, the Aussie viewers got a hello from the hosts. I love it when we get recognised.
‘Butterflies’ from Belarus involved my second favourite costume reveal. My favourite was, of course, Lithuania, but this one wasn’t far off. The song was a power ballad, which didn’t dispose me toward them, but they’re all adept singers as long as they’re not having solos, in which they tended to suck. I was a fan of the fact that the women were wearing fully sequinned gowns. And then full sized butterfly wings popped out of the women’s gowns just in time for a key change. Marvy costumes, shitty solos. 7.5/10
Niamh Kavanaugh won Eurovision in 1993. The whistle player is her cousin, and also named Niamh Kavanaugh. She’s definitely improved from her semifinal performance. She must be feeling better. There’s something about her that just reminds me of Bette Midler. He audience went wild for the whistle player. Niamh’s [the singer’s] dress made her look like some kind of ocean spirit, although she made that look work for her. And although her use of the wind machine was understated, it was well placed.8/10
And now for my favourite song from semifinal 1: OPA! From the Greeks. Back were the open white shirts, tight white pants, manly dancing, manly tattooing, manly grunting at key points in the song: it was as manly and tasteful as ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’ is going to be. Namely incredibly and minimally respectively. I was also a massive fan of the guy with the stringed instrument, and the drums which shot fireworks from within them. The only problem was that the lead singer was about as attractive as the guys from ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’. 9.2/10
Then came Britain – a bankroller, so they were guaranteed a spot in the finals. An absolute babe – faintly reminiscent of Gaspard Ulleil in Hannibal Rising (apart from the singing. From what little we hear of Gaspard singing ‘Das Mantelein’, he was infinitely better), but…well… I shouldn’t be foreshadowing, but there’s a reason GB came last. Fun fact – the girl who represented Britain last year (and who also sucked) is now a Sugababe. But Josh was even flat on the last note. <5/10
Backstage: the Greeks have great arm muscles. Josh doesn’t look as good in profile as he does front on. Still a babe. He should go on the Hottie Wall.
Georgia is back from a year boycotting due to political shit-kicking with Russia. I’m still not a fan of the choreography, although the costuming is very Eurovision. She didn’t wind machine her hair enough, and she was sharp on the high notes. And it was a power ballad. And regardless of my dislike of the choreography, the backup dancers were fantastic. The only thing that saved it was the great pillars of fire at the end. 6.5/10
Turkey – the only country of my top three from Semi 2 to get into the finals. The drummer reminds me of the drummer from Rammstein. The drum part reminds me of Rammstein. The singer is the only man so far to work the wind machine. I remain a massive fan. This is like a musical cross between Linkin Park and Rammstein, with a touch of Marilyn Manson in the costuming. Brilliant flag dancing at the end. Still a massive fan. 9.25/10
Albania also began with an electric violin, but the violinist wasn’t as much of a babe as the one from Moldova. The signer looked a hell of a lot like Gwen Stefani crossed with Drew Barrymore. And the violinist was creepy to the max. The costuming of the lead singer was very Madonna. The song lyrics reminded me of ‘I Will Be Watching You’ by The Police. Namely, they were weird and stalkerish. 6.25/10
Iceland had a Björk, but not the one who wears dresses shaped like dead swans. This Björk has a good strong voice, and a dress which looks like it’s made for spinning around in circles like a lunatic. It’s a pity she isn’t, because for whatever reason I just don’t love the song. 6.75/10
And then came the Ukraine. Those of you who read my rundown of the last semifinal will know that I didn’t think this was eurotrashy enough, especially when compared with last year’s entry. She can sing, and she can use a wind machine as if she was born in the windstream of one, but she wrote the song herself, and it’s not the most marvellous song I’ve ever experienced. I did however like the electric guitar part. Probably because it really reminds me of Metallica. 6.75/10
And then came France. This song reminds me of Art vs. Science’s ‘Parlez-vous Français?’. It’s France’s theme music for the world cup. I love the dancing, the costuming, and the song itself. It’s making me dance along as I sit and type on my hospital bed like the blog nerd that I am. The French know what the audience want: catchy scat lyrics, and plenty of booty shakin’. There were minor pyrotechnic explosions in the background throughout the song. I only give this more points than Turkey because it’s more catchy, and after all that’s what Eurovision’s about: catchiness, not good metal. 9.5/10
Romania again had the conjoined electric pianos, but they were counteracted by the fact that the female lead singer looked like white Michael Jackson. The music was good, the song was shit. The costuming was tacky in a bad way, not in the good Eurovisual way. The lead female still had a fantastic opera voice, but it didn’t fit with the rest of the song. But the pyrotechnics at the end were good. 7/10
Russia’s band became famous on YouTube. Unfortunately, they look as if the fall of communism was somehow cruel to them: they just look a bit pathetic (both in the pathos inducing sense and the more commonly used sense). The acoustic guitarist looked a hell of a lot like Johnny Depp. The harmonies were marvellous. The words were incoherent. They were all really hairy. This lead singer had good falsetto. And he could work a wind machine and still seem slightly manly. 7.75/10
And now for Armenia. Again, her chest resides where her sphenoid bone ought to be. Apparently she’s the tallest performer tonight. She’s a good singer, the backup dancer is good, the backup instrumentalists were also good. The lyrics are however completely ridiculous. I do like the tune though. It’s nicely catchy. Set design was impressive, especially the tree emerging from the stone in the background. The best executed key change so far in my opinion, although as soon as the modulation had finished, the quality of the song rapidly decreased. 8/10
And then Satellites, from Lena. She sounds a hell of a lot like Missy Higgins, but it works for her. She looked a bit emo in the costume she happened to be wearing, but again, it worked for her. The song made me dance on the bed, it’s nicely catchy. I really like this song. A lot. I actually liked this equally to Turkey’s entry, but she was more Eurovisual. 9.3/10
Portugal’s entry was in Portugese. And it was a power ballad. And although their singer was in a lovely gown, she wasn’t great at singing. She’s also failed to remember that apart from Serbia in (I think it was) 2007, no-one has ever won with a song that isn’t in English. And even if I didn’t know who the winner is, I wouldn’t think they’d be the second nation to win with a non-anglophonic song. 5/10
Another power ballad from Israel. I didn’t like this song when it was on on Saturday, and I didn’t like it tonight. >5/10
Now for Denmark, which not only sounded like The Police, but had a lead male who looked like he was part of The Police. Frankly, I’d rather be playing ‘Little Lion Man’ on the Ukulele. And thus I am. 6/10
Spain performed again. I didn’t like it any more or less than the first time. Thus my opinion is unchanged.
Norwegian Josh Thomas pulled off his jacket to reveal something lime green and velvet with giant sequins on it. What the expletive?
So: my rankings for the night.
1. France
2. Germany
3. Turkey
4. Greece
5. Cyprus
6. Moldova
7. Armenia; Ireland
8. Russia
9. Belarus; Norway
10. Azerbaijan; Romania
11. Iceland; Ukraine
12. Belgium; Georgia; Serbia
13. Albania
14. Denmark
15. Portugal
16. Bosnia and Herzegovina; Great Britain; Israel; Spain
Whilst votes were being tallied, audiences across Europe danced. As the rappers made their way through the audience, we got to see a security guy manhandle screaming fans out of the way in Oslo. I lolled.
We got to watch footage of audiences around Europe dancing. It was actually quite cool. Streets full of people dancing in unison. Notable nations were Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Ireland, Lithuania. Kudos to them.
And then us peeps at home were taught the dance. I danced along. It was fun.
A few moments later we saw the hosts again…but they were wearing different clothing. That was quick. And now Norwegian Josh Thomas is wearing a pair of butterfly wings. He is my hero.
And on to the revelation of the results. And lo, Svante appeared on high to the soundtrack of something reminiscent of Vangelis. Svante is the supreme lord god king supervisor of Eurovision.
The results: the three big points sets.
Romania: 8-Turkey; 10-Moldavia; 12-Denmark.
Ireland: 8-Germany; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Germany: 8-Greece; 10-Turkey; 12-Belgium.
Serbia: 8-Germany; 10-Greece; 12-Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Albania: 8-Turkey; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
Turkey: 8-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 10-Germany; 12-Azerbaijan.
Croatia: 8-Serbia; 10-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 12-Turkey.
At the moment, Belarus is the only nation to still be on no points.
Poland: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Serbia.
Belarus is still sitting on a duck.
Finland:8-France; 10-Israel; 12-Germany.
Germany leads with a nice buffer. France isn’t doing as well as I would have thought.
Slovenia: 8-Serbia; 10-Germany; 12-Denmark.
Belarus still has nothing, and Denmark is really doing well. Clearly Europe liked The Police.
Estonia: 8-Georgia; 10-Russia; 12-Germany.
Russia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Georgia; 12-Armenia.
Belarus is finally off zero, on two points. But I know they won’t lose, so it’s all good.
Portugal: 8-Greece; 10-Romania; 12-Spain.
Germany has a buffer of almost 40 points. Still piddly compared to how well Alexander went last year.
Azerbaijan: 8-Georgia; 10-Ukraine; 12-Turkey.
The UK is currently on 7 points. They’ll only get to 10.
Greece: 8-France; 10-Albania; 12-Cyprus.
Iceland: 8-Greece; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Denmark: 8-Romania; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Belgium has overtaken Turkey. GB is doing surprisingly well (relatively). They’ll slip.
France: 8-Portugal; 10-Serbia; 12-Turkey.
Spain: 8-Armenia; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Belarus is stuck on 2. They’ll get there.
Slovakia: 8-Israel; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Bulgaria: 8-Armenia; 10-Turkey; 12-Azerbaijan.
Belarus is on 3 now. They’re movin’ on up.
Ukraine: 8-Turkey; 10-Russia; 12-Azerbaijan.
Latvia: 8-Russia; 10-Denmark; 12-Germany.
Ireland is on six points. It’s behind the UK at the moment. Belarus still languishing on three.
Malta: 8-Denmark; 10-Belgium; 12-Azerbaijan.
Norway: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Cyprus: 8-Romania; 10-Azerbaijan; 12-Greece.
UK, Ireland and Belarus are the only nations stuck on single figures. It’s moments like this that I miss the British commentator SBS used to use. He always had pithy comments to make about Britain’s pathetic performance.
Lithuania: 8-Spain; 10-Germany; 12-Georgia.
Belarus: 8-Israel; 10-Ukraine; 12-Russia.
Switzerland: 8-Albania; 10-Serbia; 12-Germany.
Ireland got six points and is finally into the realms of double digits. Come on Belarus. You can do it.
Belgium: 8-Iceland; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
UK: 8-Romania; 10-Turkey; 12-Greece.
“And thankyou to those of you who did vote for us.” That says it all.
The Netherlands: 8-Turkey; 10-Israel; 12-Armenia.
Israel: 8-Romania; 10-Russia; 12-Armenia.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Albania.
COME ON BELARUS. SURELY WIKI DIDN’T LIE TO ME!!!
Moldova: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Romania.
Belarus is up to six points. Time is running out. Come on Wiki, don’t fail me now.
Georgia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Armenia; 12-Belarus.
YESSS! GB GOT THEMSELVES TO 10, AND BELARUS GOT THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!
Sweden: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Armenia: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Georgia.
From about halfway, it became mathematically certain that Germany would win. Good for Lena. I liked her song. Not as much as France’s or Turkey’s; but such is life. Eurovision 2011 will be in Berlin. Or Hamburg, if you look at the mass outdoor screenings across Germany.
My, my. Lena mildly pashed Alexander. As Lena talked to the hosts, she had a small army of roadies attaching mikes to her for her winner’s performance.
And there it was. Eurovision 2010.
Eurovision kicked off with Alexander Rybak sawing through yet another violin bow. Good on him. I usually don’t really like violin music, but he plays with so much vim that I forgive him his instrument choice.
Azerbaijan kicked off the show. Their singer was marvellous at walking down flights of stairs. Her backup dancer was barefoot, which made the fact that he was wearing a shirt forgivable. 7/10
Spain, the first of the bankrolling nations. Generally Spain’s entry is weird. Really incredibly strange. This year was no change to that. The singer looked like Bob Dylan on speed, the backup dancers were abstract to the point of postmodernism, not to mention creepy like sad clowns. Although they did have the Eurovision equivalent of a streaker – someone who jumped onto the stage and had to be dragged off by security. The fact that they just went with it really speaks in Spain’s favour. Otherwise, it was still really weird and I didn’t like it. But that’s just me. >5/10
Norway – last year’s winner. The song started off slowly, which demonstrated that the singer is clearly an opera boy – can’t sign at anything below 100%. He is aesthetically pleasing though. The backup singers were clumped too closely together. Also, in my opinion, the song was chordally reminiscent of a Paul Jarman song. But that could just be because I’m a choir nerd. The guy from Norway improved after the key change. The pyrotechnics were tasteful, but I think they could have been bigger. 7.5/10
Moldova had an electric violin as part of their act. The violinist was on a spinning turnstile, which must have been a bit nauseating for him. There was some hardcore thrusting from the sax and two backup dancers. The singer looked like a cross between Gwen Stefani, P!nk, Madonna and Lady Gaga. I liked it though, because it was eurotrashy to the nth degree. I am a fan. 8.5/10
Cyprus again. Jon Lilygreen is going on the Hottie Wall in the year 12 study at st. G. This is because he is a welsh babe who can sing. I must however ask why the drummer bothered to sing if he wasn’t miked. I like the fact that instead of getting a guitar with built-in pickups, he just duct taped a mike to the inside of his guitar. He made it a design feature. Kudos to him.8.75/10
Bosnia and Herzegovina had a fog machine, but that’s where the good stuff ended. The singer looked like that guy from Coldplay spliced with that guy from Savage Garden. Not a fan of the stance used by all whilst they were singing. Costuming wasn’t marvellously eurotrash, no-one worked the wind machine. It was (for lack of better adjectives) very American. >5/10
Backstage: the man from Spain is less creepy when not in costume, and is playing Sky in Spain’s production of Mamma Mia. Armenia’s backup singers are rather good. Alexander Rybak has shaken Barak Obama’s hand. He is also a fan of Lena from Germany’s song ‘Satellites’. Alexander Rybak is such a babe.
Belgium. ‘Me and My Guitar’. He’s alright looking, and it’s a sweet enough song, but it’s a power ballad. It just doesn’t get me doing a little happy dance on my hospital bed with a laptop propped on one knee. And his falsetto sucks numerous male appendages. Including his own. He was however the first act to work the audience. It wasn’t much, but he was the first to do it. I would rate it higher, but his falsetto killed it for me. 6.5/10
Serbia’s lead singer is totally androgynous. He looks markedly like something Lady Gaga would dress up as, perhaps crossed with (I shudder to type it) Justin Beiber
FYI: due to Spain’s interruption, they will get to perform again at the end.
Also, the Aussie viewers got a hello from the hosts. I love it when we get recognised.
‘Butterflies’ from Belarus involved my second favourite costume reveal. My favourite was, of course, Lithuania, but this one wasn’t far off. The song was a power ballad, which didn’t dispose me toward them, but they’re all adept singers as long as they’re not having solos, in which they tended to suck. I was a fan of the fact that the women were wearing fully sequinned gowns. And then full sized butterfly wings popped out of the women’s gowns just in time for a key change. Marvy costumes, shitty solos. 7.5/10
Niamh Kavanaugh won Eurovision in 1993. The whistle player is her cousin, and also named Niamh Kavanaugh. She’s definitely improved from her semifinal performance. She must be feeling better. There’s something about her that just reminds me of Bette Midler. He audience went wild for the whistle player. Niamh’s [the singer’s] dress made her look like some kind of ocean spirit, although she made that look work for her. And although her use of the wind machine was understated, it was well placed.8/10
And now for my favourite song from semifinal 1: OPA! From the Greeks. Back were the open white shirts, tight white pants, manly dancing, manly tattooing, manly grunting at key points in the song: it was as manly and tasteful as ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’ is going to be. Namely incredibly and minimally respectively. I was also a massive fan of the guy with the stringed instrument, and the drums which shot fireworks from within them. The only problem was that the lead singer was about as attractive as the guys from ‘Wog Boys II – Kings of Mykonos’. 9.2/10
Then came Britain – a bankroller, so they were guaranteed a spot in the finals. An absolute babe – faintly reminiscent of Gaspard Ulleil in Hannibal Rising (apart from the singing. From what little we hear of Gaspard singing ‘Das Mantelein’, he was infinitely better), but…well… I shouldn’t be foreshadowing, but there’s a reason GB came last. Fun fact – the girl who represented Britain last year (and who also sucked) is now a Sugababe. But Josh was even flat on the last note. <5/10
Backstage: the Greeks have great arm muscles. Josh doesn’t look as good in profile as he does front on. Still a babe. He should go on the Hottie Wall.
Georgia is back from a year boycotting due to political shit-kicking with Russia. I’m still not a fan of the choreography, although the costuming is very Eurovision. She didn’t wind machine her hair enough, and she was sharp on the high notes. And it was a power ballad. And regardless of my dislike of the choreography, the backup dancers were fantastic. The only thing that saved it was the great pillars of fire at the end. 6.5/10
Turkey – the only country of my top three from Semi 2 to get into the finals. The drummer reminds me of the drummer from Rammstein. The drum part reminds me of Rammstein. The singer is the only man so far to work the wind machine. I remain a massive fan. This is like a musical cross between Linkin Park and Rammstein, with a touch of Marilyn Manson in the costuming. Brilliant flag dancing at the end. Still a massive fan. 9.25/10
Albania also began with an electric violin, but the violinist wasn’t as much of a babe as the one from Moldova. The signer looked a hell of a lot like Gwen Stefani crossed with Drew Barrymore. And the violinist was creepy to the max. The costuming of the lead singer was very Madonna. The song lyrics reminded me of ‘I Will Be Watching You’ by The Police. Namely, they were weird and stalkerish. 6.25/10
Iceland had a Björk, but not the one who wears dresses shaped like dead swans. This Björk has a good strong voice, and a dress which looks like it’s made for spinning around in circles like a lunatic. It’s a pity she isn’t, because for whatever reason I just don’t love the song. 6.75/10
And then came the Ukraine. Those of you who read my rundown of the last semifinal will know that I didn’t think this was eurotrashy enough, especially when compared with last year’s entry. She can sing, and she can use a wind machine as if she was born in the windstream of one, but she wrote the song herself, and it’s not the most marvellous song I’ve ever experienced. I did however like the electric guitar part. Probably because it really reminds me of Metallica. 6.75/10
And then came France. This song reminds me of Art vs. Science’s ‘Parlez-vous Français?’. It’s France’s theme music for the world cup. I love the dancing, the costuming, and the song itself. It’s making me dance along as I sit and type on my hospital bed like the blog nerd that I am. The French know what the audience want: catchy scat lyrics, and plenty of booty shakin’. There were minor pyrotechnic explosions in the background throughout the song. I only give this more points than Turkey because it’s more catchy, and after all that’s what Eurovision’s about: catchiness, not good metal. 9.5/10
Romania again had the conjoined electric pianos, but they were counteracted by the fact that the female lead singer looked like white Michael Jackson. The music was good, the song was shit. The costuming was tacky in a bad way, not in the good Eurovisual way. The lead female still had a fantastic opera voice, but it didn’t fit with the rest of the song. But the pyrotechnics at the end were good. 7/10
Russia’s band became famous on YouTube. Unfortunately, they look as if the fall of communism was somehow cruel to them: they just look a bit pathetic (both in the pathos inducing sense and the more commonly used sense). The acoustic guitarist looked a hell of a lot like Johnny Depp. The harmonies were marvellous. The words were incoherent. They were all really hairy. This lead singer had good falsetto. And he could work a wind machine and still seem slightly manly. 7.75/10
And now for Armenia. Again, her chest resides where her sphenoid bone ought to be. Apparently she’s the tallest performer tonight. She’s a good singer, the backup dancer is good, the backup instrumentalists were also good. The lyrics are however completely ridiculous. I do like the tune though. It’s nicely catchy. Set design was impressive, especially the tree emerging from the stone in the background. The best executed key change so far in my opinion, although as soon as the modulation had finished, the quality of the song rapidly decreased. 8/10
And then Satellites, from Lena. She sounds a hell of a lot like Missy Higgins, but it works for her. She looked a bit emo in the costume she happened to be wearing, but again, it worked for her. The song made me dance on the bed, it’s nicely catchy. I really like this song. A lot. I actually liked this equally to Turkey’s entry, but she was more Eurovisual. 9.3/10
Portugal’s entry was in Portugese. And it was a power ballad. And although their singer was in a lovely gown, she wasn’t great at singing. She’s also failed to remember that apart from Serbia in (I think it was) 2007, no-one has ever won with a song that isn’t in English. And even if I didn’t know who the winner is, I wouldn’t think they’d be the second nation to win with a non-anglophonic song. 5/10
Another power ballad from Israel. I didn’t like this song when it was on on Saturday, and I didn’t like it tonight. >5/10
Now for Denmark, which not only sounded like The Police, but had a lead male who looked like he was part of The Police. Frankly, I’d rather be playing ‘Little Lion Man’ on the Ukulele. And thus I am. 6/10
Spain performed again. I didn’t like it any more or less than the first time. Thus my opinion is unchanged.
Norwegian Josh Thomas pulled off his jacket to reveal something lime green and velvet with giant sequins on it. What the expletive?
So: my rankings for the night.
1. France
2. Germany
3. Turkey
4. Greece
5. Cyprus
6. Moldova
7. Armenia; Ireland
8. Russia
9. Belarus; Norway
10. Azerbaijan; Romania
11. Iceland; Ukraine
12. Belgium; Georgia; Serbia
13. Albania
14. Denmark
15. Portugal
16. Bosnia and Herzegovina; Great Britain; Israel; Spain
Whilst votes were being tallied, audiences across Europe danced. As the rappers made their way through the audience, we got to see a security guy manhandle screaming fans out of the way in Oslo. I lolled.
We got to watch footage of audiences around Europe dancing. It was actually quite cool. Streets full of people dancing in unison. Notable nations were Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Ireland, Lithuania. Kudos to them.
And then us peeps at home were taught the dance. I danced along. It was fun.
A few moments later we saw the hosts again…but they were wearing different clothing. That was quick. And now Norwegian Josh Thomas is wearing a pair of butterfly wings. He is my hero.
And on to the revelation of the results. And lo, Svante appeared on high to the soundtrack of something reminiscent of Vangelis. Svante is the supreme lord god king supervisor of Eurovision.
The results: the three big points sets.
Romania: 8-Turkey; 10-Moldavia; 12-Denmark.
Ireland: 8-Germany; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Germany: 8-Greece; 10-Turkey; 12-Belgium.
Serbia: 8-Germany; 10-Greece; 12-Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Albania: 8-Turkey; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
Turkey: 8-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 10-Germany; 12-Azerbaijan.
Croatia: 8-Serbia; 10-Bosnia and Herzegovina; 12-Turkey.
At the moment, Belarus is the only nation to still be on no points.
Poland: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Serbia.
Belarus is still sitting on a duck.
Finland:8-France; 10-Israel; 12-Germany.
Germany leads with a nice buffer. France isn’t doing as well as I would have thought.
Slovenia: 8-Serbia; 10-Germany; 12-Denmark.
Belarus still has nothing, and Denmark is really doing well. Clearly Europe liked The Police.
Estonia: 8-Georgia; 10-Russia; 12-Germany.
Russia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Georgia; 12-Armenia.
Belarus is finally off zero, on two points. But I know they won’t lose, so it’s all good.
Portugal: 8-Greece; 10-Romania; 12-Spain.
Germany has a buffer of almost 40 points. Still piddly compared to how well Alexander went last year.
Azerbaijan: 8-Georgia; 10-Ukraine; 12-Turkey.
The UK is currently on 7 points. They’ll only get to 10.
Greece: 8-France; 10-Albania; 12-Cyprus.
Iceland: 8-Greece; 10-Belgium; 12-Denmark.
Denmark: 8-Romania; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Belgium has overtaken Turkey. GB is doing surprisingly well (relatively). They’ll slip.
France: 8-Portugal; 10-Serbia; 12-Turkey.
Spain: 8-Armenia; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Belarus is stuck on 2. They’ll get there.
Slovakia: 8-Israel; 10-Belgium; 12-Germany.
Bulgaria: 8-Armenia; 10-Turkey; 12-Azerbaijan.
Belarus is on 3 now. They’re movin’ on up.
Ukraine: 8-Turkey; 10-Russia; 12-Azerbaijan.
Latvia: 8-Russia; 10-Denmark; 12-Germany.
Ireland is on six points. It’s behind the UK at the moment. Belarus still languishing on three.
Malta: 8-Denmark; 10-Belgium; 12-Azerbaijan.
Norway: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Cyprus: 8-Romania; 10-Azerbaijan; 12-Greece.
UK, Ireland and Belarus are the only nations stuck on single figures. It’s moments like this that I miss the British commentator SBS used to use. He always had pithy comments to make about Britain’s pathetic performance.
Lithuania: 8-Spain; 10-Germany; 12-Georgia.
Belarus: 8-Israel; 10-Ukraine; 12-Russia.
Switzerland: 8-Albania; 10-Serbia; 12-Germany.
Ireland got six points and is finally into the realms of double digits. Come on Belarus. You can do it.
Belgium: 8-Iceland; 10-Germany; 12-Greece.
UK: 8-Romania; 10-Turkey; 12-Greece.
“And thankyou to those of you who did vote for us.” That says it all.
The Netherlands: 8-Turkey; 10-Israel; 12-Armenia.
Israel: 8-Romania; 10-Russia; 12-Armenia.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: 8-Germany; 10-Turkey; 12-Albania.
COME ON BELARUS. SURELY WIKI DIDN’T LIE TO ME!!!
Moldova: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Romania.
Belarus is up to six points. Time is running out. Come on Wiki, don’t fail me now.
Georgia: 8-Azerbaijan; 10-Armenia; 12-Belarus.
YESSS! GB GOT THEMSELVES TO 10, AND BELARUS GOT THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!
Sweden: 8-Denmark; 10-Romania; 12-Germany.
Armenia: 8-Ukraine; 10-Russia; 12-Georgia.
From about halfway, it became mathematically certain that Germany would win. Good for Lena. I liked her song. Not as much as France’s or Turkey’s; but such is life. Eurovision 2011 will be in Berlin. Or Hamburg, if you look at the mass outdoor screenings across Germany.
My, my. Lena mildly pashed Alexander. As Lena talked to the hosts, she had a small army of roadies attaching mikes to her for her winner’s performance.
And there it was. Eurovision 2010.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Eurovision. Semifinal 2
The Eurovision song contest is on at the moment.
I watched the first semi-final on Friday. I was underwhelmed. Nowhere was there something ridiculously tacky and thus brilliant. There were far too many power ballads.
No, I lie. Greece, with their almost shirtless male acrobatics was so tacky I loved it. And whichever country did the song ‘Butterfly’ was marvellously sequinned.
But seriously, people, this is Eurovision, not Australian bloody Idol. Ballads = bad. Wind machines, sequins and shirtless men = good.
I watched semi-final two last night.
The first song, Lithuania, summed up what Eurovision should be: a catchy song, coupled with male stripping and sequins. Watch it on youtube. It was brilliant.
Armenia was ridiculous, if you were to listen to the lyrics themselves. But that having been said, it was an alright song, and by god they costumed in the spirit of Eurovision. The chest of the lead singer was residing somewhere in the vicinity of her sinus cavity or Sphenoid bone.
Israel’s guy had nice hair, but wasn’t the world’s greatest singer.
Song number four, Denmark, was unremarkable but for the fact that it not only sounded markedly similar to the kind of music put out by The Police, the costuming looked like something off a Police music video.
Switzerland, with song number five, made good use of the prerequisite wind machine. Their song was also rather pop-like, but there wasn’t enough male stripping.
After an ad break, there was another one of those bits where the Aussie commentators talk to the competitors. As it turns out, the guys from Lithuania are all straight. Go figure. Also, as it turns out, Julia Zemiro owns a pair of those shorts. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you clearly haven’t watched Lithuania’s song.
Sweden did well when it came to distributing glowsticks. Unfortunately, that’s where the good work ended. Eurovision it was not. It was another power ballad. The glowsticks were (I’m sorry to say) unwarranted. Cold Chisel it wasn’t. Their singer couldn’t even work the wind machine. Her hair barely moved throughout the song. This is Eurovision! I want to see hair blowing as if there are gale force winds blowing. I don’t care about how well your dress billows in the wind. I want hair in a wind tunnel.
Azerbaijan. What can I say? She was dressed appropriately (i.e. like a drag queen). Her backup singers weren’t. They just looked like high class hookers. The male dancer was wearing too much clothing, and wasn’t very good anyway. And it was another power ballad. That having been said, I was a fan of the LED lights in the dress.
Last year’s entry by the Ukraine involved a woman from a band called Viagra and a bunch of men wearing skimpy skirts and little else. This year’s entry was tasteful. And thus boring as all hell. Where’s the woman dancing suggestively with scantily clad Spartacus look-alikes? You may ask. I’ll tell you. They’re gone. Although I congratulate her on her brilliant use of a wind machine. She knows how to work that breeze, and she works it hard.
The Netherlands’ entry. Costuming was in the spirit of Eurovision. The fact that the song was written by the guy who was the voice of Papa Smurf was in the spirit of Eurovision. The set design was very much in the spirit of Eurovision. The song, in my opinion, was far too reminiscent of ABBA. It’s actually creepy. You could superimpose any ABBA lyrics on top of that song, and it would work. Thus, something which could have been brilliant in my opinion lost its brilliance because the premise has been done before.
Romania had a pair of conjoined electric pianos. It had lead singers who exemplified everything wrong with capitalist music. The woman really looked like Michael Jackson once he was white. The guy had a vein pulsating in his forehead as he sang. It was a crap song, but by Jove did they get into the spirit of it all. And as it turns out, the woman has a wonderful opera voice. She can’t sing pop for shit, but her opera voice is fantastic.
Popular folk rock. It’s a fusion between folk music and rock. It involves traditional costumes, ham acting and a piano accordion. I like. I like a lot. And the girl from Slovenia really looked like Rachel Bilson. The fusioning didn’t really work. The rock was alright, and the folk was alright, but they didn’t gel well. It was weird. The rock guys looked like a washed up Brit-punk band from the nineties would if it had been abducted by the Al-Qasam brigades.
Then came the Irish. Their singer won Eurovision in 1993. She didn’t age well. She can sing (she was a touch flat at times, but apparently she was a bit sick on the day, so I’ll forgive her), but it was a power ballad. The flute player was good. Fun fact: the television channel which broadcasts Eurovision isn’t allowed to charge for the broadcast. Ireland won three years in a row, and it almost bankrupted their national television channel.
Bulgaria. Scantily clad men and women, all covered in body glitter. The song was good – not amazing but good, but let’s focus on what’s important: they were wearing silver and were covered in glitter. the male backup dancers were also very good. At dancing. And being covered in glitter. The women…well they couldn’t dance for shit, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what they were chosen for. Sarah phoned me and expressed her love of Bulgaria’s song. She thinks they should win with that.
Cyprus’ song is sung by a Welshman, the musicians are from Scotland, Norway and Cyprus, but who’s judging. Me. That’s who. I’m judging. Not to be a bitch, but apart from the lead singer, who isn’t even a Cypriot, they lack the sheer cuteness necessary to win the song contest. And I’m so sick and tired of the bloody power ballads.
Another spate of talkies with the hosts. The Welsh lead singer was a babe. And he had the most adorable accent. A 22 year old Welsh babe with an adorable accent.
Sam Pak consistently refers to the male host as ‘Norwegian Josh Thomas’.
Croatia’s song is performed by a band called Feminem. There is however an acute lack of rap. It’s another mother expletiving power ballad. The women aren’t even using the wind machine. They’re all reasonably adept dancers, especially when their ridiculous costuming is taken into account, but their hair and dresses are screaming out for a wing machine. Absolutely begging for it. BUT THEY’RE NOT MAKING USE OF IT.
Georgia’s entry is a touch postmodern for my liking. But they at least subscribe to the Eurovision mores of men in white pants and open jackets without a shirt, dancing barefoot. But the song ended with massive pillars of fire, so I approve.
Now that I’ve mentioned lack of footwear, a hell of a lot of the performers have been barefoot for their performances. I don’t really see why. Maybe they’re trying to make a point.
From the first moment of Turkey’s performance, I loved it. There’s metal undertones, combined with exemplary wind machine usage. Strobe lights. Someone dressed up as a Samurai soldier. Quasi-rap in a manner akin to Linkin Park. Someone else, dressed as the love child which would be produced if a female PowerRanger and The Stig were to breed. Quite possibly my favourite song of the night. Definitely top three.
And as it turns out, Norwegian Josh Thomas also has a pair of those sequinned hot pants. Seriously. Watch the video. It’s brilliant to the max.
Also, all Julia can say in Hebrew is Habonim. Failq on her part.
And the host talked to the two Australian people in the audience. Who’d have thunk there would be Aussies, and who’d have thunk the hosts would have sought them out.
They also once again pulled out the tiny lookalikes of the hosts, dressed in the same clothing, to be adorable while explaining the minimum age clause.
We also got a peek of the songs which auto-qualified for the finals (the bankroller nations and the host nation). I quite like the look of France and Germany’s entries. But more of that once I’ve watched the finals.
My favourite ten of the night were (in order of performance):
Lithuania
Armenia
Denmark
Switzerland
Romania
Slovenia
Bulgaria
Cyprus (but only because of their hot singer)
Georgia
Turkey
The ten who qualified were (in the order in which they were revealed):
Georgia
Ukraine
Turkey
Israel
Ireland
Cyprus
Azerbaijan
Romania
Armenia
Denmark
The percentage of my top ten who were in Europe’s top ten:
40%
DEAR GOD, EUROPE. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FUCKED UP SO GREATLY????????? WHERE WERE THE LITHUANIAN STRIPPERS? THE SPARKLY BULGARIANS?
I am unimpressed. Of my three favourite acts, two didn’t make it. I am unimpressed, Europe. I am unimpressed.
I will however get the videos of the songs I liked, so that I can preserve the brilliance for posterity, even if the rest of Europe disagrees.
I watched the first semi-final on Friday. I was underwhelmed. Nowhere was there something ridiculously tacky and thus brilliant. There were far too many power ballads.
No, I lie. Greece, with their almost shirtless male acrobatics was so tacky I loved it. And whichever country did the song ‘Butterfly’ was marvellously sequinned.
But seriously, people, this is Eurovision, not Australian bloody Idol. Ballads = bad. Wind machines, sequins and shirtless men = good.
I watched semi-final two last night.
The first song, Lithuania, summed up what Eurovision should be: a catchy song, coupled with male stripping and sequins. Watch it on youtube. It was brilliant.
Armenia was ridiculous, if you were to listen to the lyrics themselves. But that having been said, it was an alright song, and by god they costumed in the spirit of Eurovision. The chest of the lead singer was residing somewhere in the vicinity of her sinus cavity or Sphenoid bone.
Israel’s guy had nice hair, but wasn’t the world’s greatest singer.
Song number four, Denmark, was unremarkable but for the fact that it not only sounded markedly similar to the kind of music put out by The Police, the costuming looked like something off a Police music video.
Switzerland, with song number five, made good use of the prerequisite wind machine. Their song was also rather pop-like, but there wasn’t enough male stripping.
After an ad break, there was another one of those bits where the Aussie commentators talk to the competitors. As it turns out, the guys from Lithuania are all straight. Go figure. Also, as it turns out, Julia Zemiro owns a pair of those shorts. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you clearly haven’t watched Lithuania’s song.
Sweden did well when it came to distributing glowsticks. Unfortunately, that’s where the good work ended. Eurovision it was not. It was another power ballad. The glowsticks were (I’m sorry to say) unwarranted. Cold Chisel it wasn’t. Their singer couldn’t even work the wind machine. Her hair barely moved throughout the song. This is Eurovision! I want to see hair blowing as if there are gale force winds blowing. I don’t care about how well your dress billows in the wind. I want hair in a wind tunnel.
Azerbaijan. What can I say? She was dressed appropriately (i.e. like a drag queen). Her backup singers weren’t. They just looked like high class hookers. The male dancer was wearing too much clothing, and wasn’t very good anyway. And it was another power ballad. That having been said, I was a fan of the LED lights in the dress.
Last year’s entry by the Ukraine involved a woman from a band called Viagra and a bunch of men wearing skimpy skirts and little else. This year’s entry was tasteful. And thus boring as all hell. Where’s the woman dancing suggestively with scantily clad Spartacus look-alikes? You may ask. I’ll tell you. They’re gone. Although I congratulate her on her brilliant use of a wind machine. She knows how to work that breeze, and she works it hard.
The Netherlands’ entry. Costuming was in the spirit of Eurovision. The fact that the song was written by the guy who was the voice of Papa Smurf was in the spirit of Eurovision. The set design was very much in the spirit of Eurovision. The song, in my opinion, was far too reminiscent of ABBA. It’s actually creepy. You could superimpose any ABBA lyrics on top of that song, and it would work. Thus, something which could have been brilliant in my opinion lost its brilliance because the premise has been done before.
Romania had a pair of conjoined electric pianos. It had lead singers who exemplified everything wrong with capitalist music. The woman really looked like Michael Jackson once he was white. The guy had a vein pulsating in his forehead as he sang. It was a crap song, but by Jove did they get into the spirit of it all. And as it turns out, the woman has a wonderful opera voice. She can’t sing pop for shit, but her opera voice is fantastic.
Popular folk rock. It’s a fusion between folk music and rock. It involves traditional costumes, ham acting and a piano accordion. I like. I like a lot. And the girl from Slovenia really looked like Rachel Bilson. The fusioning didn’t really work. The rock was alright, and the folk was alright, but they didn’t gel well. It was weird. The rock guys looked like a washed up Brit-punk band from the nineties would if it had been abducted by the Al-Qasam brigades.
Then came the Irish. Their singer won Eurovision in 1993. She didn’t age well. She can sing (she was a touch flat at times, but apparently she was a bit sick on the day, so I’ll forgive her), but it was a power ballad. The flute player was good. Fun fact: the television channel which broadcasts Eurovision isn’t allowed to charge for the broadcast. Ireland won three years in a row, and it almost bankrupted their national television channel.
Bulgaria. Scantily clad men and women, all covered in body glitter. The song was good – not amazing but good, but let’s focus on what’s important: they were wearing silver and were covered in glitter.
Cyprus’ song is sung by a Welshman, the musicians are from Scotland, Norway and Cyprus, but who’s judging. Me. That’s who. I’m judging. Not to be a bitch, but apart from the lead singer, who isn’t even a Cypriot, they lack the sheer cuteness necessary to win the song contest. And I’m so sick and tired of the bloody power ballads.
Another spate of talkies with the hosts. The Welsh lead singer was a babe. And he had the most adorable accent. A 22 year old Welsh babe with an adorable accent.
Sam Pak consistently refers to the male host as ‘Norwegian Josh Thomas’.
Croatia’s song is performed by a band called Feminem. There is however an acute lack of rap. It’s another mother expletiving power ballad. The women aren’t even using the wind machine. They’re all reasonably adept dancers, especially when their ridiculous costuming is taken into account, but their hair and dresses are screaming out for a wing machine. Absolutely begging for it. BUT THEY’RE NOT MAKING USE OF IT.
Georgia’s entry is a touch postmodern for my liking. But they at least subscribe to the Eurovision mores of men in white pants and open jackets without a shirt, dancing barefoot. But the song ended with massive pillars of fire, so I approve.
Now that I’ve mentioned lack of footwear, a hell of a lot of the performers have been barefoot for their performances. I don’t really see why. Maybe they’re trying to make a point.
From the first moment of Turkey’s performance, I loved it. There’s metal undertones, combined with exemplary wind machine usage. Strobe lights. Someone dressed up as a Samurai soldier. Quasi-rap in a manner akin to Linkin Park. Someone else, dressed as the love child which would be produced if a female PowerRanger and The Stig were to breed. Quite possibly my favourite song of the night. Definitely top three.
And as it turns out, Norwegian Josh Thomas also has a pair of those sequinned hot pants. Seriously. Watch the video. It’s brilliant to the max.
Also, all Julia can say in Hebrew is Habonim. Failq on her part.
And the host talked to the two Australian people in the audience. Who’d have thunk there would be Aussies, and who’d have thunk the hosts would have sought them out.
They also once again pulled out the tiny lookalikes of the hosts, dressed in the same clothing, to be adorable while explaining the minimum age clause.
We also got a peek of the songs which auto-qualified for the finals (the bankroller nations and the host nation). I quite like the look of France and Germany’s entries. But more of that once I’ve watched the finals.
My favourite ten of the night were (in order of performance):
Lithuania
Armenia
Denmark
Switzerland
Romania
Slovenia
Bulgaria
Cyprus (but only because of their hot singer)
Georgia
Turkey
The ten who qualified were (in the order in which they were revealed):
Georgia
Ukraine
Turkey
Israel
Ireland
Cyprus
Azerbaijan
Romania
Armenia
Denmark
The percentage of my top ten who were in Europe’s top ten:
40%
DEAR GOD, EUROPE. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FUCKED UP SO GREATLY????????? WHERE WERE THE LITHUANIAN STRIPPERS? THE SPARKLY BULGARIANS?
I am unimpressed. Of my three favourite acts, two didn’t make it. I am unimpressed, Europe. I am unimpressed.
I will however get the videos of the songs I liked, so that I can preserve the brilliance for posterity, even if the rest of Europe disagrees.
TopGear.
On Tuesday night, Boris was on TopGear. I was rather impressed.
Boris is quote easily my favourite British politician. He had an argument with Clarkson about the merits of bike riding (Boris cycles, Clarkson thinks that bike riding is for sissies), during which he lost he lorry vote by saying that truck drivers never look in their mirrors.
Later, whilst doing his lap in a reasonably priced car, it became evident that when driving, he makes zooming noises.
On a slightly unrelated note, I was disappointed to discover that the obscenities of the hosts are now censored. Clarkson no longer says ‘shit’. He says*bleep* . May no longer says ‘cock’. I am horrified by this turn of events.
But fun facts I learned from watching TopGear: if you’re in a Ford Fiesta being chased around the inside of a shopping centre by bad guys in a Corvette, you will get away.
Also, if you’re asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines whilst the end of the 1812 overture plays in the background, you will be marvellously successful.
I rather like TopGear. Especially the challenges. Vietnam in particular.
There’s some marvellous British humour. For example: To make things more interesting, the presenters were banned from getting professional repairs on their motorbikes, and they were shown the support bike: a motorbike completely covered with American flag decals, with a stereo permanently blasting Bruce Springstein’s ‘Born in the USA’.
Clarkson, after beholding the monstrosity, turned to the camera and said, completely deadpan “Kids, if you’re watching at home and don’t understand just how inappropriate this is, ask your parents.”
Nothing like bringing up memories of capitalist imperialism.
On a slightly unrelated note, I’m aware that my recent posts have been a touch off my regular standard. This is because I blog about whatever happens to have interested me during the day. Of course when I’m stuck in a hospital, very little interests me.
But bear with me.
Boris is quote easily my favourite British politician. He had an argument with Clarkson about the merits of bike riding (Boris cycles, Clarkson thinks that bike riding is for sissies), during which he lost he lorry vote by saying that truck drivers never look in their mirrors.
Later, whilst doing his lap in a reasonably priced car, it became evident that when driving, he makes zooming noises.
On a slightly unrelated note, I was disappointed to discover that the obscenities of the hosts are now censored. Clarkson no longer says ‘shit’. He says
But fun facts I learned from watching TopGear: if you’re in a Ford Fiesta being chased around the inside of a shopping centre by bad guys in a Corvette, you will get away.
Also, if you’re asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines whilst the end of the 1812 overture plays in the background, you will be marvellously successful.
I rather like TopGear. Especially the challenges. Vietnam in particular.
There’s some marvellous British humour. For example: To make things more interesting, the presenters were banned from getting professional repairs on their motorbikes, and they were shown the support bike: a motorbike completely covered with American flag decals, with a stereo permanently blasting Bruce Springstein’s ‘Born in the USA’.
Clarkson, after beholding the monstrosity, turned to the camera and said, completely deadpan “Kids, if you’re watching at home and don’t understand just how inappropriate this is, ask your parents.”
Nothing like bringing up memories of capitalist imperialism.
On a slightly unrelated note, I’m aware that my recent posts have been a touch off my regular standard. This is because I blog about whatever happens to have interested me during the day. Of course when I’m stuck in a hospital, very little interests me.
But bear with me.
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