Advice from the Magical Land of Television

Rachel Maddow on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
Don't shoot people, and don't encourage the shooting of people

Stephen Colbert:
Praise the lord and pass the guacamole.

Stephen Colbert devoted a chunk of his segment a few days ago to the South.

He began by saying "I am a proud son of South Carolina."

The byline then added 'Probably a brother of South Carolina, too.'

Apparently he cured himself of his southern accent, and attempted to prove that it continued to exist by eventually saying "Ich bin ein Southerner."

This was no doubt paying tribute to Bill Clinton's famous Berlin Wall cockup: he was giving a speech in Berlin, and instead of beginning with 'Ich bin Berliner' (meaning I am a Berliner, thus creating a feeling of solidarity), Bill began with "Ich bin ein Berliner", which to a non German speaker would seem to be the more syntactically correct statement. Unfortunately, the terminology 'ein Berliner' means 'a jam doughnut'. Oops.

It also reminded me of a story one of my friends told me about when her class learnt German for a few weeks of year 7. When they learned the 'ich bin' construction, they all immediately put their jumpers on their heads and ran around the school yelling "Ich bin Laden!!!".

But I digress.

There was then the Colbert Report's unique spin on the civil war.

In my opinion, the civil war wasn't caused directly by slavery. It was Lincoln's non-core promises combined with a hell of a lot of interstate rivalry. I have several essays on the subject, but I won't subject you to them.

He then made what was possibly one of the best calls... ever.

When discussing the Double Down, all he could say was "Surely this is the warped creation of a Syphallitic brain"

Someone purported to be the German ambassador to the UN then came on and was presented with a cupcake, because apparently McDonalds is attempting to market them to Germans.

Apparently the cupcake looked weak.

Hans Beinholdt then made some marvellously poignant remarks about children's birthday parties. Unfortunately, it won't work if I merely transcribe it. You'll have to watch the show to grasp the full hilarity. Although if you follow the links you'll see him.

I then settled in to enjoy some ABC2.

Grumpy old women is underwhelming to the nth degree.

There was then some good Austrian Inspektor Rex, as opposed to the weird Italian franchise with the cop whose jeans are too tight. Unlike his Italian counterpart, the Austrian guy manages to look stylish even when he's been shot. Pants (not jeans) a shirt and vest. That's how cops should dress. None of this tight jeans crap.

Again, archaism wins.

And as you've no doubt noticed, I've finally worked out how to put in links and images. Hurrah.