Real Highland Men

Yesterday, I felt disgustingly motivated, so I decided to write the letter I'm sending off to Daniel Cohn-Bendit asking for his input for my History Extension work.

So as to ensure that I'd get everything into the letter when I did it in French, I wrote it en English. It was shorter than I had expected. I'll devote my next post to the nuances of translation.

I then sat at the kitchen table (my desk being too small) with some Metallica playing in the background, with Cassel's French/English dictionary (which isn't as good as their Latin/English dictionary, but it's geed enough) and a Bescherelle.

I got as far as the first clause before I needed to crack a dictionary.

I was partially through the translation when one of the mothers from the ballet school my sisters attend came to look at the second hand ballet shoes (the school runs a business of second hand ballet, tap, character and jazz shoes), because as it turns out, her daughter has an eisteddfod on Monday morning, and she only just realised that her daughter didn't have shoes.

Who doesn't realise that until it's Easter Saturday and you won't be able to buy a pair?

I then procrastinated by reorganising all of the shoes. As it turns out there were six ballet shoes in there lacking pairs. That was unexpected.

I then went back to translating, only for the same mother to come back looking to buy a pair of ballet tights (we run an import business getting them from the USA) because as it turns out her daughter didn't have a pair of them either. Good god, woman!

Eventually I finished the translation. My grammar's fantastic - I didn't need the Bescherelle at all. I just need to revamp my vocab.

And then, since it was a Saturday evening, I decided to watch one of my favourite shows: Hamish Macbeth.

It's brilliant, because it's Scottish cop quasi-comedy.

The episode starts with Shinty training.

Shinty is a traditional Scots game which takes the premise of hockey, combines it with the violence of Lacrosse, and is played using a baseball.

It looks like fun.

Anyway, one of the players gets mildly injured, and the coach tells him to toughen up, because "In my day, we'd pray through the pain barrier."

About a minute or so later, the coach is talking to a woman of a certain age (although the coach is also of a certain age, so it's all good), and the coach's son, who is on the Lochdubn Shinty team asks one of his team mates if he reckons his father's cracking on to her.

The team mate then says "I doubt it. She wears knitted ties."

There's a slight pause before Lachlan Jr (referred to as Wee Lachie) realises the implication of this.

We then see spies from the rival team, dressed in a mildly hopeless approximation of a Marine scout sniper suit made for the wilds of Scotland.

We then see Hamish's wee West Highland Terrier, who is the most ridiculously adorable dog, and who goes by the name of Jock.

My cat then sat on my shoulder, only to fall off when I cracked up at the sight of the Lochdubn cheerleading squad, the median age of which was 40.

It's now the day of the game, and practically the entire town get onto the town bus, including jock, who is wearing the town tartan. Because in Lochdubn they have a town tartan.

Robert Carlyle is smoking in every second scene. Including on the bus. Because that's the kind of thing which goes on in the mid 90s.

Wee Lachie then asks Hamish about the significance of knitted ties. Hamish responds with the somewhat philosophical statement of "There might be snow on the roof, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a fire in the grate, Lachie boy."

Lachie and Hamish then have a debate on the metaphysical implications of knitted ties.

We enter a clubhouse replete with kilted highland men. This is why I like the show.

Cut to the Lochdubn dressing room, which is full of good looking shirtless highland men.

We then get the vibe that the woman who's been distracting the coach (not the knitted tie lady) is an enemy agent...

Hamish then finds the referee tied up in a closet in his underwear. Hamish gives him a sippee cup full of brandy, and leaves him there.

Cut to the game. There's no ref, and so instead of Dunbacken (the other team) sending one of their men as the ref, Hamish the sheriff, who just so happens to have a set of kit, agrees to ref.

Hamish as it turns out, has impressive cardiovascular health for someone who smokes as much as he does. Meanwhile, Lochdubn is being soundly beaten.

The Lochdubn goalie gets knocked out, and thankfully it's half time.

Hamish tells Lachlan Sr about his enemy agent girlfriend. Odds for Lochdubn hit 20:1, and suddenly the townsfolk of Lochdubn start betting.

Lachie Jr, who had previously quit the team, comes back to play. And then, a military helicopter fries over the ridge and lands on the field.

That was somewhat unexpected.

A greatly mulleted man the jumps out to play for Lochdubn. He seems to be a big deal.

'Simply The Best' starts playing as mullet man starts taking off his fluorescent orange jumpsuit in slow motion to reveal his team uniform and him in all his hairy glory.

highland drums and bagpipes start playing in the background.

The mulleted man, wearing a headband which reads 'Wild Thing', scores a goal almost instantaneously.

Lochdubn now gets to 4-2.

Full time is called at 4 all. My cat is sitting on me.

We then get a close up of the kilt clad backside of a baddie, who is for some inexplicable reason, happy.

Slomo psychodramatic penalty shootout. Dunbacken don't score.
Lochdubn...

Play is stopped because mullet man apparently wasn't born in Lochdubn. But since his mother, the knitted tie lady, is, he's still eligible to play.

By now I'm getting the feeling that there's a rather intense backstory that I'm missing, but whatever.

Lochdubn scores.

Lochdubn have won a Shinty match against Dunbacken for the first time in 20 years.

A photo of the Lochdubnians is taken with Jock at the front. Because he's fluffy and adorable.

We finish with a scenic shot of the town bus heading home as the helicopter flies off into the distance. All is well again in Lochdubn.

And according to the credits, it's actually filmed in Lochdubn. That's cool.